Sky: Ah, God bless Paul McCarthney. Here’s a chap who really knows how to put out good romantic songs.
Hullo again you sorry sods. It’s your mates Sky and Ollie back for another round of skullduggery and instead of doing movie reviews like every bloody one else, we are going to focus on music and since its Valentine’s Day, what would be more appropriate than to discuss love songs…?
Bad, sappy, sentimental, sorry and silly love songs..!!
Ollie: Hence the name of this topic; Silly Love Songs. Yes, it’s the Holiday where Restaurants raise the Menu prices, Wine, Chocolate, Greeting cards and Condom sales shoot through the roof and meanwhile, all of the Mistresses are left alone. Kinda like the Holiday season dontcha think?
Sky: We’re such cynical little shits are we not? *snicca*
So to start things off, here’s “Close To You” courtesy of The Carpenters.
Ollie: “Why do Birds suddenly appear”? This Cat will suddenly appear to scratch this Vinyl piece of Shite! As Karen Carpenter might say; “blaaaaarrrggh!”
Sky: Eh, still too soon Ollie!! There’s only one “Carpenter” that’s cool
Ok here’s one from way back but had to make the list for its gooey cheesiness but then again, it’s from the decade that brought us bell bottom jeans, polyester, Disco and…
Ollie: Porn music! (“Waka, waka,waka”!)
Sky: Um, I suppose so but these trends were way before our time and thank heavens seeing as how the 70’s was seen as the Ugly Decade. Here’s a primary example…
Ollie: Well to be honest, as silly as it was, it worked great for that Rom Com Finding a friend for the end of the World. Especially when the World went “Ka-Blooey”! Spoiler alert!!
Shit, the 80’s had their share of bad love songs too. “Roll ’em”!!
Ollie: C’mon who took this skinny lil pretty boy seriously as an artist?
He looks like someone’s prison bitch. “Debarge”? More like Debarf!
Sky: And while we’re on the subject of the Eighties, here’s our next pick.
Ollie: ‘Scuse me for a minute while I hack up another hairball.
“I wanna know what love is, I want you to show me”? He sounds like some goddamned virgin, as in some of the guys from these nerd sites. *Audience Boos* *Ollie Hisses*
Sky: Ollie, that’s not very nice! Perhaps true, but not nice.
Ollie: Weren’t these guys responsible for “Dirty White Boy”? That song was fun and funny!
Speaking of “foreigner”, we have one selection Straight outta Canada!
Ollie: “Heaven” my ass! Sky, have you ever been through Hell and back?
Ollie: Exactly!! Oh wells, there’s always Nickleback! *wink*
Sky: They are absolutely the worst product from Canada since Justin Bieber. Speaking of which, I wonder what our Canucky friends would say about these embarrassments, since they themselves are from the “Maple Leaf State”.
Well, at least the 80’s had some very good movies, if anything.
Ollie: Let’s avoid mentioning the 80’s before you-know-who goes on one of his anti-80’s rants.
Sky: Yes, but that decade was also before our time, anyway here’s another sappy pick.
Ollie: *Vomits Guinness stout*
Ugh, what the fuck was that? Does anyone still refer to that song as being good?
Sky: Those with feelings of nostalgia perhaps?
Ollie: Nostalgia? You’re beginning to sound like our Portuguese friend.
Sky: ANYWAY….!!! That song has more syrupy content than the Black woman with the handkerchief on her head. What’s her name? “Ain’t your Mama“?
Ollie: That’s Aunt Jemima and for the record that image on the Syrup bottle has been long since removed. Racist! You’re begging to sound like Benedick Cumbersnatch with such insensitive remarks.
Sky: “My Bad” as the Brothas would say. Buahuhuhuh.
Dishonorable mention goes to: Def Leppard’s Love Bites!
Ollie: Oh, lawd! What is this Shite?!? This song is so fucking lame, I could rip the arms off one of their band members! “Too soon”? Fuck you!
Sky: Def Leppard serves as yet another disgrace to England. Like Daniel Craig as James Bond disgrace. “Love bites”? Oh, bite me! Get it? “Bite” me? …..
*Ahem* shall I fast forward to the 2000’s since both the 70’s and 80’s were easy targets?
Sky: Here’s something recent, “All of Me” courtesy of John Legend…
Ollie: “I’ll give you alllllllllllllllllllllllllll of me”! Buahahahah hashtag: Pussywhipped!
Sky: “What would I do without her smart mouth”? *sigh*
Ollie: More like what I would do with her smart mouth!
Sky: Get your mind outta the gutter, “Brotha”!
Ollie: Fuck you! His wife is hot and I’ll serenade her with that silly love song (see what I just did?) to get the “skins”. Ok, let’s wrap this up, I still have a film studio to run. Oh, and someone is scheduled for a job interview. I think her name rhymes with “Asscow”.
*In a previous cliffhanger of S&O vs The Movies,(Circa 2014) Ollie had purchased his own Film studio however, the continuation of this storyline was not completed due to Talkbacker turning into something not so “Epic”.*
Sky: “Oy Vey!, and you have the nerve to call me a “racist” that’s not “Kosher”!
Soooo, everyone knows full well how much we despise film reboots and music is no exception. Here’s a remake of Prince’s 2004 song “Call My Name” courtesy of Morgan James.
Ollie: More like “Call me an Ambulance”! I’m deaf thanks to her screaming! What is she, some runner up American Idol contestant who got her big break by blowing that Sod Simon Cowell?This shit gave me nausea like Teena Marie’s songs from the 80’s nausea. And I’m sure the lil’ Purple guy was gracious and perhaps flattered. At least on the surface.
Sky: Hmm, I sense a “pattern” here Ollie. Ok, here’s his version.
Ollie: Damn, Prince is a talented lil fucker!!!! Wait a sec, that doesn’t sound like the Purple Dwarf…. It’s a Goddamn karaoke piece you Dickhead!! Still sounds good however.
Sky: That’s exactly my point, Ols. Anyone can do a better rendition than Morgan James.
Ollie: Speaking of “Morgan”, I could use some Morgan-Captain Morgan!
Sky: And now for our final albeit predictable pick as it should come as of no surprise Ahem, the silliest love song of 2015 is “Hello” by Adele! We played this video for our good friend “Confused Vincent Vega” and here’s what he had to say about it.
Ollie: LOL Poor Vinne may he rest in peace never to hear that song again.. Hello?? More like….. According to this video, it seems that Adele has a thing for the Brothas…but that’s been said about a few White BBWs. In Adele’s case, it seems that “once she went Black, she didn’t come back”. What’s annoying about this song is her repeating that stupid chorus. How Lazy and uninspired just like that other
Limey Brit, Sam Smith. No offense, Sky.
Sky: None taken, my “Mcbrother”. *Audience laughter* Anyway, that’s a wrap as many would say. We hope you enjoy reading this article as much as we enjoyed trashing these songs. Cheers! And may many of you find love and romance…aside from using your left or right hand. Buahuhuhuh!
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