Yesterday, the 2015 Teen Choice Awards were held in Los Angeles and the only news to come out of it was further confirmation that teens are stupid. Yes, stupid. Bloody God damn stupid.
To be fair, I’m a well-known contrarian when it comes to all award shows, especially the Grammys (I’ve got something to share on that subject when we get closer to the next one), so the Teen Choice Awards aren’t alone in being complete horseshit that only a fool would look at for vindication of their “art” in any way, shape, or form. However, the Teen Choice Awards are, by far, the worst when it comes to who wins in the movie and television categories (music is equally horrendous with every award show). That’s reason enough for a “get off my lawn” asshole like myself to write an article about this garbage.
Let’s start with movies. First off, it’s kind of cool that they have separate awards for best action, drama, sci-fi/fantasy, and comedy movie. That’s where the “cool” ends. I actually don’t have much of a problem with the winners here, considering what they were up against, but man, there are some fucking ridiculous nominees. In Choice Movie: Action we have Tracers, a critically panned “film” starring the world renowned Taylor Lautner of Twilight fame. I’m fairly certain it didn’t even open theatrically considering it literally doesn’t have any box office numbers on three of the sites I checked. Were action movies so bad this year that that’s all they could find for a sixth nominee. Maybe, but then you’ll notice Lautner was nominated himself for Choice Movie Actor: Action, so no, that’s probably not it.
Moving on to Choice Movie: Drama, here you’ll find the annual appearance of a cliche Nicholas Sparks adaptation. The Longest Ride thankfully didn’t win, but its lead actor took home the award for Choice Movie Actor: Drama. Seriously, you fucking teens think Scott Eastwood was the best actor. Even among the nominees this was laughable considering Eddie fucking Redmayne was there for The Theory of Everything, which he won the Academy Award for (not that the Academy is always right either, but I’d like to think they’re smarter than these dumb fuck teenagers). Look, I know the guy’s hot (my wife never shuts up about him) and that’s why he won, but come on, have some self-respect.
Regarding what belongs to each genre, they don’t even get that right, though maybe it’s on purpose. The Hunger Games series is sci-fi/fantasy, but the Divergent and Maze Runner series are action? Ummmm…OK. Oh, wait, obviously Mockingjay – Part 1 was gonna sweep its category, so how about we throw Insurgent into action so that both Jennifer Lawrence and Shailene Woodley can win acting awards? Mission accomplished.
As for comedy, I’m just gonna skip that one as Pitch Perfect 2 swept the awards and, even though I hated the first one, it’s probably better than most of the other nominees, such as Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 and Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb. Jesus Christ. Also, let’s not forget all the dumb awards for insignificant shit like best kiss and best hissy fit. I’m surprised there isn’t an award for guy/girl I’d most like to fuck. Oh, right, the acting awards…
Then for some reason they have a category for Choice Summer Movie so that teens can probably vote for films they haven’t even seen yet, such as Paper Towns, which wasn’t even in theaters until three weeks after voting began and it still won.
Ugh, time for television. I don’t even know where to begin with how bad the nominees are for Choice TV: Drama Show, so fuck it, I’ll just condemn the winner, Pretty Little Liars aka the worst fucking show I have ever seen. This poor excuse for entertainment is the bane of my existence. The writing is terrible, the acting is worse than what you’d find on daytime soap operas, and even the show’s fans have come to hate it. Defenders of this show are worse than defenders of The Big Bang Theory and Two and a Half Men combined.
Pretty Little Liars also managed to win both acting categories for Choice TV: Drama and both acting categories for Choice Summer TV Star. Why was it even nominated in both? Again, looks like it was done to spread the wealth, so to speak, as four different actors/actresses won.
The other television categories didn’t fair much better, where insipid trash such as The Big Bang Theory, The Vampire Diaries, and Teen Wolf took home awards. Family Guy somehow won Choice TV: Animated Show, though maybe that’s to be expected when it didn’t have to face off against any of the competition usually nominated at the Emmys, except for The Simpsons of course.
Not content with pimping society’s worst in music, movies, and television, the Teen Choice Awards also like to present us with crap found on the internet. They give out Choice Web Star awards to attractive morons that show off recent fashion purchases, make prank Vine videos, or “stealthily” promote products to gullible dipshits. They also have a bunch of social media awards that I would hope go to the star’s personal assistant or publicist. Fuck, there’s even an award for Choice Selfie Taker. The end is nigh.
Are teens solely to blame for this idiocy? Probably not. As far as I can tell they don’t even get to pick the nominees, so they’re off the hook there. They’re also not even guaranteed to pick the winner. Yup, that’s right, the organizers actually have the right to pick whoever they want to win out of the top four vote getters.
What a fucking gong show. Nonetheless, teens are still fucking stupid because ratings show that they’re watching and listening to all this crap, especially the awful fucking award show itself. Thankfully they’re all bound to grow up at some point and then they’ll have to come to grips with the fact that they’re the sole reason we’re still stuck with Justin Bieber.