Newsflash: Teens are Stupid Newsflash: Teens are Stupid
Yesterday, the 2015 Teen Choice Awards were held in Los Angeles and the only news to come out of it was further confirmation that... Newsflash: Teens are Stupid

Yesterday, the 2015 Teen Choice Awards were held in Los Angeles and the only news to come out of it was further confirmation that teens are stupid. Yes, stupid. Bloody God damn stupid.

To be fair, I’m a well-known contrarian when it comes to all award shows, especially the Grammys (I’ve got something to share on that subject when we get closer to the next one), so the Teen Choice Awards aren’t alone in being complete horseshit that only a fool would look at for vindication of their “art” in any way, shape, or form. However, the Teen Choice Awards are, by far, the worst when it comes to who wins in the movie and television categories (music is equally horrendous with every award show). That’s reason enough for a “get off my lawn” asshole like myself to write an article about this garbage.

Let’s start with movies. First off, it’s kind of cool that they have separate awards for best action, drama, sci-fi/fantasy, and comedy movie. That’s where the “cool” ends. I actually don’t have much of a problem with the winners here, considering what they were up against, but man, there are some fucking ridiculous nominees. In Choice Movie: Action we have Tracers, a critically panned “film” starring the world renowned Taylor Lautner of Twilight fame. I’m fairly certain it didn’t even open theatrically considering it literally doesn’t have any box office numbers on three of the sites I checked. Were action movies so bad this year that that’s all they could find for a sixth nominee. Maybe, but then you’ll notice Lautner was nominated himself for Choice Movie Actor: Action, so no, that’s probably not it.

Tracers

Taylor Lautner does parkour. You can’t make this shit up.

Moving on to Choice Movie: Drama, here you’ll find the annual appearance of a cliche Nicholas Sparks adaptation. The Longest Ride thankfully didn’t win, but its lead actor took home the award for Choice Movie Actor: Drama. Seriously, you fucking teens think Scott Eastwood was the best actor. Even among the nominees this was laughable considering Eddie fucking Redmayne was there for The Theory of Everything, which he won the Academy Award for (not that the Academy is always right either, but I’d like to think they’re smarter than these dumb fuck teenagers). Look, I know the guy’s hot (my wife never shuts up about him) and that’s why he won, but come on, have some self-respect.

Hot as balls.

Regarding what belongs to each genre, they don’t even get that right, though maybe it’s on purpose. The Hunger Games series is sci-fi/fantasy, but the Divergent and Maze Runner series are action? Ummmm…OK. Oh, wait, obviously Mockingjay – Part 1 was gonna sweep its category, so how about we throw Insurgent into action so that both Jennifer Lawrence and Shailene Woodley can win acting awards? Mission accomplished.

Insurgent

Responsible for some of the worst acting in history on The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

As for comedy, I’m just gonna skip that one as Pitch Perfect 2 swept the awards and, even though I hated the first one, it’s probably better than most of the other nominees, such as Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 and Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb. Jesus Christ. Also, let’s not forget all the dumb awards for insignificant shit like best kiss and best hissy fit. I’m surprised there isn’t an award for guy/girl I’d most like to fuck. Oh, right, the acting awards…

Then for some reason they have a category for Choice Summer Movie so that teens can probably vote for films they haven’t even seen yet, such as Paper Towns, which wasn’t even in theaters until three weeks after voting began and it still won.

OMG I know this will be the best movie ever!!!!

Ugh, time for television. I don’t even know where to begin with how bad the nominees are for Choice TV: Drama Show, so fuck it, I’ll just condemn the winner, Pretty Little Liars aka the worst fucking show I have ever seen. This poor excuse for entertainment is the bane of my existence. The writing is terrible, the acting is worse than what you’d find on daytime soap operas, and even the show’s fans have come to hate it. Defenders of this show are worse than defenders of The Big Bang Theory and Two and a Half Men combined.

PLL

Not even the show’s stars can make any sense of it.

Pretty Little Liars also managed to win both acting categories for Choice TV: Drama and both acting categories for Choice Summer TV Star. Why was it even nominated in both? Again, looks like it was done to spread the wealth, so to speak, as four different actors/actresses won.

The other television categories didn’t fair much better, where insipid trash such as The Big Bang TheoryThe Vampire Diaries, and Teen Wolf took home awards. Family Guy somehow won Choice TV: Animated Show, though maybe that’s to be expected when it didn’t have to face off against any of the competition usually nominated at the Emmys, except for The Simpsons of course.

Not content with pimping society’s worst in music, movies, and television, the Teen Choice Awards also like to present us with crap found on the internet. They give out Choice Web Star awards to attractive morons that show off recent fashion purchases, make prank Vine videos, or “stealthily” promote products to gullible dipshits. They also have a bunch of social media awards that I would hope go to the star’s personal assistant or publicist. Fuck, there’s even an award for Choice Selfie Taker. The end is nigh.

Are teens solely to blame for this idiocy? Probably not. As far as I can tell they don’t even get to pick the nominees, so they’re off the hook there. They’re also not even guaranteed to pick the winner. Yup, that’s right, the organizers actually have the right to pick whoever they want to win out of the top four vote getters.

What a fucking gong show. Nonetheless, teens are still fucking stupid because ratings show that they’re watching and listening to all this crap, especially the awful fucking award show itself. Thankfully they’re all bound to grow up at some point and then they’ll have to come to grips with the fact that they’re the sole reason we’re still stuck with Justin Bieber.

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Puck Propaganda Director of Written Content

Puck is a renowned Grammar Nazi who suffers from OCD and occasional bouts of indiscriminate rage. His love/hate relationship with film, television, music, video games, comics, and sports often leads to uncompromisingly honest opinions and analysis. Puck's goal is to ensure the site provides high quality, diverse material that encourages discourse among current readers while also enticing new visitors.

  • Woodley has a shitty haircut.

  • You have lots of anger this week, Puck.
    XD

  • Scott Eastwood needs to remake “Paint your Wagon”

  • Teens being stupid is like old news… in the 5th century BC. Literally. One teacher of mine back in college once read a text where an elderly author was lamenting the youth of his day, how simpleminded and destructive and disrespectful they were the traditions and the older people. Then the teacher revealed the text was written in Athens in the 5th century BC. As then as today. Lesson to be learned: Teens are and always were stupid. And this included us when we were their age.

  • 2/3rd of her beauty were shed off with that stupid haircut.

  • And in other news, water is wet.

  • KilliK

    “Gee, a teenager with a big mouth. Not much has changed in 6,000 years.”

    Ivan Ooze

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    “Gee, a teenager with a big mouth. Not much has changed in 6,000 years.”

    Apocalypse

  • Abe

    And Scott’s in a good mood…oh no wait.

  • Abe

    “If he dies, he dies.”

    Ivan Drago

  • I was an exception.

  • Gotta get the juices flowing for more writing.

  • CoolHandJuke

    he better use an oil based paint, cause the wood is pine…

  • CoolHandJuke

    i haven’t trolled/told the truth on Shailene Woodley’s IMDB page for a while, might have to head back over there…

  • Zed

    Taylor Lautner is an actor? I thought he was an eerie CGI effect, like Gollum and Sam Worthington.

  • You’re doing the Lord’s work.

  • franks_television

    Good stuff.

  • I quit smoking 4 days ago. Regardless, I didn’t mean that snarkily, should have put an 😛 there.

  • franks_television

    Teens are stupid.

  • LV426

    I thought he was a genetic chimera experiment attempting to mix a llama with a Mexican. Then he escaped from Nightmare Hall in Dulce Base and got cast in Twilight, a film franchise that is likely a covert psi-op meant to brainwash horny teenage girls. I would guess Twilight was engineered by the same team that created the Teen Choice Awards.

  • LV426

    She looks like a young lesbian Ashley Judd (hoo-hah GREAT ASS), but got an awful haircut and then proceeded to get drunk as all hell everyday for the past year. Maybe she was jealous that Jai Courtney wasn’t interested in her.

  • LV426

    I’m going to write a YA novel where creepy old people find a way to transfer their minds into teen bodies, then go on violent killing sprees at events such as the Teen Choice Awards.

  • Phantomcreeps

    These are all the New things, from last year?

    Dear Lord.

  • Phantomcreeps

    Off to play my Dreamcast.

  • Phantomcreeps

    I would expound on that comment, but I don’t want to.

  • Sagamanus

    Puck don’t you be sayin nuthin bad about Taylor Lautner…oh, that’s Taylor Lautner. Carry on.

  • Sagamanus

    Doesn’t Shaileen Woodley cry in one film? That’s more than enough to win an award. The oscars have been doing that for a while I’m told.

  • Sagamanus

    Best Hissy Fit? Wow. I don’t think I’ve seen these awards before. I stopped watching most award shows a while back.

  • Sagamanus

    Yes Puck has been watching all these award shows so we don’t have to. So you better show him some respect for taking one for the team.

  • Homely weasel face was never that special.

  • Snark is good.

  • But she had good hair, which helps a lot.

  • We all like to think we were. We weren’t.

  • Stalkeye

    LOL@”Hot as Balls”

    Scott Eastwood would make for a suitable replacement for Chris Evans should he retire from the Captain America Franchise. Or just cast him as Snake Plissken for the EFNY reboot.

    Shailene Woodley’s Movies are boring as Fuck. (The Missus liked The Fault within our Stars.)

    That being said, she’s Fuggable.

    Teenagers are Stupid Assholes, indeed.

  • I’d buy that for a dollar

  • 1000+ upvotes

  • Tarmac492.1

    Great job on the smoking thing. I am all about letting people live their own lives, but smoking is brutal. My old man is 68, looks 78, on a good day and after triple bypass, multiple heart attacks, an internal defibrillator, lungs at 30%, a new heart valve needed he is still smoking. Hope you can keep it up man.

  • Well I’m now on high blood pressure medication, and my physical last week wasn’t the greatest, so something had to give. So far so good.

  • Full Frontal Throttle

    I would still do it, but that’s not saying much…..

  • Full Frontal Throttle

    Teens are fools

  • Stalkeye

    Better Man than I am…Hey, did you manage to snag the Live Action Attack on Titan yet? I would’ve done a Review but had other things going on over the Weekend. Can’t wait to get around to it!!

  • Stalkeye

    Did you manage to check out the games I recommended?

  • Stalkeye

    And yet, still doable! 😛

  • Stalkeye

    ???? And I thought John Carpenter was bad with the Cigs!!
    Dayum!

  • Stalkeye
  • todd

    Does the Coal-Miner respect the canary? Ummm…yeah, absolutely. ????

  • Sagamanus

    No haven’t seen it yet, but I’m thinking that live-action Suburu commercial with the Titans is going to be better. I saw bits and pieces and the Titans are not cgi while in that car commercial they are.

  • Stalkeye

    Ouch! I have to see it for myself and pray that it’s not another screw up like Gatchaman last year.

  • todd

    I don’t know if it’s quite fair to label ALL teens as “stupid,” although I do sympathize with this article’s main analysis. As a kid in the 80’s, I was surrounded by some of the most shallow, ill-prepared, cheesy and BORING pop-culture in The History of Modern America; yet it was up to us social misfits of the epoch to create our own media, reach out our hirsute hands and dig a little deeper past the Duran Durans’ and Skin-a-max’s in order to find our own scene beneath the superficial underpinnings of the moment…
    I can’t say for sure, but I would imagine that there are plenty of kids out there today who see past (or through) the savagely predictable and lazy “creative efforts” placed before them today. Or at least, I hope so….????

  • Mr Nick Nightly

    Fuck teenagers and their poor taste and obsession with standing in front of public places. When I was a teen I was obsessed with A Clockwork Orange, Freeway, Pulp Fiction, and Strange Days.

    Nickelodeon’s Kids Choice Awards is a good show. The nominees and winners are usually garbage, but its an entertaining affair with lots of slime.

  • Bop

    No human being deserves that amount of suffering. Puck will forever be a hero.

  • Bop

    So was I.

  • Agreed, always exceptions, but the majority deserves to be called out. =)

  • Toruk_Makto

    Ugh. Better you than me. I refuse to believe my choice in film or TV was ever that bad. Sad fact is kiddies…growing up our stuff was just better.

  • Zed

    I guess it’s supposed to make her look like a tough girl, but a tough girl would still have a good haircut. Instead, it makes her look like a wimpy guy.