Hey fans, I just finished re-watching Game of Thrones – all the seasons back to back. Typically I watched one or two episodes per night to get all of the storylines straight in my head and see if I could remember all of the characters names and flesh out my knowledge of the universe before the next season comes to our television screens next April.
But good God is this a long wait or what? Counting on my fingers I can see that there are six months to go before we have new Game of Thrones to watch. And that has me pining for details about the new season – some new footage, new music, new plot details, new anything really to assuage my hunger for more Game of Thrones goodness. Not enough to go on Wikipedia to peek and see whether John Snow really died (save your spoilers for the comments), and not enough to actually pick up the books and start reading them, but just enough to constantly fret about what will happen next season.
I have tried to neutralize my anxiety over not having any new GoT by watching episodes of Rome, an older HBO series, but that doesn’t do anything for me at all. It doesn’t have dragons, dammit. So with “Game of Thrones Methadone” I am going to alleviate my suffering in the run up to the new season by talking about angles of the show that maybe people haven’t talked about before and throwing out ideas about what may happen in future episodes. Is this column just an excuse to jump into the comments section and let fly some crazy opinions about GoT that will ruffle feathers? Yes. Yes it is. Oh well.
Season 6: Thoughts, Hopes and Fears
Ramsay Bolton and Ellaria Sand must die.
I was really grossed out by the scene where Ramsay Snow raped Sansa and made Reek watch. That was awful and I immediately headed out for beer once the scene was over thinking “I’m never watching this show again. It’s absolutely disgusting.” I had the same reaction after The Red Wedding, after Arya slit the pedophile’s throat, and when Reek became Reek. So violent and horrific. Really a bit much even for me.
The thing about Game of Thrones though is that everybody dies sooner or later. Whether it’s Eddard Stark getting his head chopped off or Aunt Lysa flying through the Moon Door, it makes no difference. Whether good, bad, ugly, or beautiful, all men must die. But Ramsay Bolton? This guy, I literally think about killing him on a daily basis. I will be at the supermarket looking at some corn flakes thinking “If Ramsay Bolton comes around the corner just stay still and let him come to you . . . he moves weird in that fight in the kennels . . . respect your opponent . . . kill him with the corn flakes box.” He is such a bad person. I do think that his end will be something particularly creative, but if you think about it nothing really will be good enough for him. We all have our own ideas about how he will meet his fate. I imagine he will be swallowed by a predatory whale with oscillating revolving jaws which go all the way down the animal’s throat getting incrementally sharper the farther your ragged, mangled frame gets down its gullet. No one can hear you scream as you are deposited with shredded skin into a series of stomach chambers each more terrible and acidic than the last. So, like a whale/sarlacc pit. That’s my idea. I’m very keen to see what George R. R. Martin comes up with.
Ellaria Sand, on the other hand, is just a mean, crazy lady. I feel bad for her that Prince Oberyn Martell got snuffed out by The Mountain in single combat, but she took things a step too far by killing pretty and innocent Myrcella with poison. Ellaria is on my supermarket list too. I will wait for her by the cheese sample guy, then follow her and push her into the lobster tank.
Cersei’s revenge, should I cover my eyes now?
There is nothing normal about Cersei Lannister. Nothing average. She sleeps with weird guys; she drinks more than Huckleyberry Finn’s dad; she kills babies, and she sneers at those beneath her, which is everyone. I would totally hit it, by the way. But maybe I wouldn’t after the Brotherhood made her do that walk of shame through the town square. They pelted her with dirt and rocks, and she lost her mystique. The mob took it from her. At least that’s how I see things. So I think she will probably have a debt to settle with some people now that she is back safely in the Red Keep and Qyburn has built her a ghoul super soldier out of The Mountain’s cadaver. I am very eager to see how Cersei will deploy this monstrosity against her enemies.
How I think it will all end?
I have no idea what is going to happen in future seasons of Game of Thrones, and given that there are books yet to be released I suppose no one does, save the author. But it does blow my mind when I moot the following theory and people look at me dumbfounded. I think it’s because the series is so engrossing that it’s difficult to see the forest from the trees sometimes. But if you just think of a map of Westeros and consider the events over the past five seasons you see that we have an army of the dead invading from the North and a dragon army invading from the East. So it seems obvious that these two giant forces are destined to meet on the field. Right?
You would be surprised how many people look at me annoyed when I tell them that the end game for the show will most likely be white walkers vs. dragons. I could be wrong, and again I don’t know any plot details having not read the book nor gone on Wikipedia to check any of these things out. Maybe it will go another way. But the White Walkers seem absolutely unstoppable, do they not? Dragon glass notwithstanding of course . . .
*80’s rock music plays as new dragonglass steel is forged*
Tyrion needs a new love interest.
Here’s what I don’t get: Shae on the stand testifying against Tyrion. Now, she seemed completely under duress there and my interpretation was that Tywin had her tortured into giving the confession, or at least somehow she had been coerced into lying at the trial. It really wasn’t clear what was going on. Tyrion acted all hurt about it even while she was unspooling her lies, but how could he have known what was motivating her? That seemed like a huge plot hole to me. Then when she showed up in Tywin’s bed calling him lion? I was like “Timeout, what the hell is this?”
Because that didn’t seem in character for Shae at all to testify against Tyrion as a woman scorned – yes she was stubborn about staying under wraps but she still seemed mostly rational. She was a prostitute but seemed, at times, even more pragmatic than Tyrion himself. So then to have Tyrion go in there and kill her too? It didn’t flow to me logically at all.
I think probably it makes more sense in the book and maybe they cut out a key scene or something to explain why she, of her own volition, testified against Tyrion then slept with Tywin just because – if we are to follow the story they are trying to tell – she was jealous of Sansa? So Tyrion would have felt betrayed why? It’s just a mess really, isn’t it? But maybe that’s why I love it. Because I want Tyrion to hook up with another absolute psychopath if possible next season. There was a strange moment of chemistry between him and this lusty Asian babe. That won’t be the end of things between them. *twirls fingers* move this story along please. I’m digging it.
That’s it for this first installment of “Game of Thrones Methadone.” Let me know if you like the column in the comments and I will continue to put them out. Or if you hate it let me know that too. Whatever, it’s all good.
Have a great day.