Turd’s Review of Star Whores: The Farce Awakens – How JJ Abrams conned the fanboys and made a mint Turd’s Review of Star Whores: The Farce Awakens – How JJ Abrams conned the fanboys and made a mint
The Force Awakens continues to divide the audience! (...)TFA is the apotheosis of Abrams’ career to date, in the most negative sense possible. In... Turd’s Review of Star Whores: The Farce Awakens – How JJ Abrams conned the fanboys and made a mint
WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS

“Give the people what they want and they’ll come.” – George Jessel

“I am not a crook.” – Richard Nixon

“Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?” – Johnny Rotten, on the dissolution of the Sex Pistols.

Oh, JJ Abrams, you miserable hack with the strange penile-shaped proboscis! How could you do this? How could you sell the dreams of a generation down the river for filthy lucre and the cheap vagaries of fame? Is your pre-existing fortune and duplicitously-earned reputation not enough to sate your titanic ego? The saddest thing of all is that so many are willingly complicit in your latest scam and don’t even realize they’ve been the victims of a con on a galactic scale. But I digress. Let’s start from the beginning…

Would you trust this man?

The prospect of a sequel to Return of the Jedi has percolated in the minds of Star Wars fans for over thirty years. Lucas’s epic saga was always supposed to contain nine parts (or twelve, depending on who you ask): three trilogies of three, each recounting the adventures of a different generation of heroes. Now, with the release of The Force Awakens, those dreams can finally take material shape. Unfortunately, JJ Abrams has turned those long-cherished fantasies into a living nightmare for any right-thinking fan of the series.

By now, the post-release dust has settled and The Force Awakens has shattered records for the biggest opening weekend of all time. Fanboys everywhere, high on that return to a galaxy far, far away, are raving about the film. Yet never in the history of cinema has there been a more meretricious case of blinkered fan worship than this, for The Force Awakens is an objectively awful movie and doesn’t hold up under the slightest analysis or scrutiny. There have already been reams of discussion about it and, tellingly, even the most gushing reviews acknowledge that the movie is a) an unambitious corporate recycling of the very first Star Wars movie, A New Hope, and b) not nearly as good as the originals. In fact, practically every reaction begins with a caveat somewhere down the line; the reviewers consequently choose to overlook them in forming their final judgments. It’s as if fans, like hopeless drug addicts, are frightened to acknowledge the movie’s woefully apparent negatives out of fear that it’ll spoil the high of their current fix.

What JJ Abrams has essentially done with The Force Awakens is retcon Return of the Jedi out of existence by way of tabula rasa. Yes, you heard that right. In no way does this movie feel like an organic extension of the original trilogy’s conclusion. Sad to say, many of the expanded universe novels, previously considered canonical, actually expanded on the classic characters, and the universe they inhabit, in a more believable and satisfying manner than this so-called “sequel” does. The OT favorites have been damned to miserable fates; their achievements undercut and their arcs stripped of all their hard-earned dignity. The transformations each underwent over the course of Lucas’ middle trilogy have been dialed back halfway, since Abrams clearly had no idea how to build upon the rock-solid foundation previously established. Moreover, the Rebels’ overall victory over the Empire now counts for naught. It’s the dictionary definition of one step forward, two steps back, if ever there was one. In fact, I’d go as far as comparing The Force Awakens to Alien 3 and the shattering death of Newt and Hicks pre-credits. That film, too, undercut its predecessor in reductive and depressing style. Still, we can blame that particular example on studio mismanagement; in the case of The Force Awakens, the dynamic duo of Abrams and Kasdan are complicit and guilty as charged.

“He he he…celebrations; short they will be!” “Keep it down, you little green toad; let them have their day in the sun. And you, Anakin – stop smirking!”

The movie begins, as anticipated, with the traditional opening crawl common to all Star Wars episodes, and there the problems begin. We’re informed that Luke’s the last surviving Jedi, the order on the verge of extinction once again (some “return”, eh?), and that the First Order has arisen from the ashes of the Empire. According to pre-release material, said entity now controls half the galaxy, a marked reduction from the Empire’s prior galactic domination. The trouble is, nowhere in the movie is a casual viewer afforded this context and, thusly, the First Order actually appears larger and more powerful than its predecessor. Indeed, they seem to possess resources sufficient to building a superweapon forty times the size of the original dreaded Death Star. Does Abrams understand how basic economics work? The way the chirruping greedhead has cannily marketed both himself and his lacklustre filmography on the way to box office riches would suggest so, but the evidence of his fictional storytelling perhaps says otherwise.

And that’s half the trouble with this movie. Its background context, encompassing a thirty year-plus span, is poorly established. The Republic seems to have reformed, leading one to wonder why a “Resistance” – a smaller, more ragtag version of the Rebellion – exists at all. Is its purpose to perform covert missions on behalf of radicals like the now “General” Leia Organa? The viewer will have to puzzle that one out for themselves, because Abrams and Kasdan sure didn’t bother to put any exposition, no matter how subtle, in their script. It makes one pine for Lucas’s clean, archetypal OT storytelling, where the dynamics were firmly established and the viewer always knew what was happening, why it was happening, and who to root for.

“Damn Hux’s long speeches! I need to take a leak! It’s so hot inside this suit and I won’t be able to get it off in time.” “Shhh…Just piss down your leg; that’s what I do.”

Following this confusing preamble, we track a line of First Order shuttles down to the planet Jakku, where a Resistance pilot, Poe, has made contact with a senior Resistance operative, played by Max von Sydow in an inconsequential role that is a waste of this esteemed actor’s mighty talents. The first line of the movie, occurring over a transaction between the two, is, believe it or not: “This will begin to make things right.” One is forced to gag at this horribly smug and egotistical self-referencing. It’s the kind of hipster, meta-fictional garbage that defines everything wrong with the current, self-satisfied and cannibalistic era of franchise filmmaking. JJ Abrams hasn’t earned the right to pre-emptively position himself as the savior of any IP, never mind one as major as this. It’s even worse than Tarantino having Brad Pitt mouth “What do you think? I believe this could be my masterpiece,” after carving a swastika into the forehead of a Nazi in the closing moments of Inglourious Basterds, but at least that line was sardonically amusing and well-earned after the clever film it followed. Abrams’ appropriation of the same is just arrogant and, given the disastrous film it precedes, a laughable exercise in hubris.

Audiences will certainly be (or damn well should be!) infuriated that The Force Awakens fails to fulfil the most basic tenet of its agreement as a sequel to Return of the Jedi: that of allowing us to spend time with the original gang of heroes one last time, and enjoying their interaction together. By now, you’ll know that that isn’t the case and that the movie effectively serves as a swansong for Han Solo, with Luke Skywalker shoehorned in as a living McGuffin, and Carrie Fisher, well…being Carrie Fisher. From his uncharacteristically enthusiastic appearances on talkshows before the movie’s release, I thought Ford would be one of the few, dependable highlights of the movie and indeed, he isn’t bad, but his performance can barely be said to be more than adequate. It’s clear that the only reason he wanted to return was to fulfill his original intention, denied by Lucas, to kill Solo off. As indeed he is, in typical, maudlin, soap opera fashion. I also have a sneaking suspicion that the reports that Ford’s involvement in Episode VII was a prerequisite for Disney to consider using him in the next Indiana Jones (instead of recasting the title character) were true.

Perhaps Abrams and Kasdan’s attempt to shunt the original cast into unfulfilling background or supporting roles jives with Abrams’s expressed desire to render the original cast “mythic” figures that few have encountered or believe in, akin, in Abrams’s words, to “the Knights of King Arthur”. This comparison, of course, makes no sense. King Arthur’s Roundtable was a myth, with dubious historical pedigree, and the purported events took place thousands of years before the present day. In the Star Wars galaxy, we know that Luke, Han and Leia – not to mention the Jedi – are real, without a doubt, and so do the other inhabitants of that galaxy, as their exploits took place not only a mere thirty years prior but were also likely recorded on holocron (the Star Wars equivalent of information storage/TV). With the Republic now in charge of half the galaxy, there would be no reason for this information to be repressed or propagandized, even from or toward those on remote desert backwaters like the new protagonist, Rey.

In any case, Solo’s much-vaunted return to the screen occurs in a protracted sequence emblematic of the lazy plotting inherent to this movie (and to all Abrams’s efforts). The new heroic duo of Rey and Finn steal the Falcon (conveniently sitting in the desert as it’s now the property of the scrap dealer who employs Rey) and, after a video game-like pursuit by some TIE- fighters, manage to escape the planet Jakku. But they cannot get the hyperdrive working and end up being captured by a giant salvage vessel commandeered by space pirates. And Han Solo just happens to be onboard the very same vessel. Maybe I missed something and the Falcon had an automatic pilot that guides it back to Solo (which wouldn’t make sense, since it has gone through many different owners since Solo lost it), but either way it’s extremely lazy plotting. Han’s introductory scenes are particularly bad, as he engages in a dispute with Scottish and Asian smugglers that appear to have stepped out of an episode of British Sci-Fi sitcom, Red Dwarf. It all feels distinctly un-Star Wars-ish, as does a following slapstick sequence, tedious in the extreme, involving a couple of tentacled monsters that get loose aboard The Millennium Falcon and chase everyone around its corridors before eating a couple of extras. The creatures are rendered with some of the worst CG I’ve seen in a supposedly big-budget blockbuster for some time, and appear to have escaped from the workstations of the special effects artists used on the Men in Black movies. It’s a foolish sequence, targeted at the very young, that wastes invaluable time that could have been better spent explaining the plot, establishing character or, indeed, anything else.

In any case it matters not, as Han is ultimately set back to zero as a character, and his character arc over the course of the OT completely erased. We learn that he’s returned to his former smuggling ways because it was “the only thing he ever knew.” The EU novels did a far better job in developing the concept of an older Solo. Just as in those books, it would have made more sense for the character to have risen to the rank of Admiral in the Republic fleet and, bored with his duties and responsibilities, decide to go on a reckless, last-ditch suicide mission with Rey and Finn to destroy the Starkiller base as a sort of end-life crisis attempt to recapture the glory of his long-gone, misspent youth. Such an arc would have been somewhat akin to the poignancy of Kirk’s in Star Trek: The Motion Picture and serve as a believable way to make the character relatable again without sacrificing his growth, investing his death with weight and meaning. Blithely returning him to smuggler duties for many years prior, “just because”, and concluding with a cheap melodramatic cap to a contrived conflict between father and son we were never privy to (more on that later), doesn’t produce the desired effect. It also goes without saying that Abrams, in his endless quest to model The Force Awakens after A New Hope, had to find a mirror to Obi-Wan’s death at the hands of Vader, and Han served as the sacrificial lamb in that artificial pursuit. Cock Nose is, as always, incapable of organic storytelling and always looks for the easy way out, endlessly looking to ape better films and filmmakers, whose ideas he can copy-and-paste with minimal effort.

“JJ, if Han doesn’t get killed off this time, I’ll do it myself…”

But all the disappointment of Han Solo’s return cannot possibly compete with the scotch-and-cocaine fuelled horror that is Carrie Fisher’s reprisal of Leia Organa. Now looking more amphibian-like than Admiral Ackbar himself and with a voice that Harvey Fierstein would envy, Fisher appears stoned throughout her few appearances. She must have been on valium during the shoot; there’s no other rational explanation. Indeed, it appears that she’s forgotten how to act in toto, and her performance contains none of Leia’s previous sass or warmth. It very much brings to mind Karen Allen’s reprisal of Marion in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crystal Skull. Allen too, seemed to have forgotten how to play her character, although she at least resembled an older version of her youthful self. Leia, by contrast, is damn near unrecognizable as herself and shows little emotion over Han’s death; obviously the awful facelift robbed Fisher of the ability to cry. For a character that was once deeply in love with another, it’s such an unconvincing reaction to display that it almost single-handedly ruins any gravitas or emotional depth the movie has vainly tried to scrape together up until that point.

“Suck yer cock for a dollar!”

As for Luke, he shows up only at the end to tease the next episode and entice suckers back into the theater two years hence (and we are all suckers for willingly participating in this charade, for shame!). Hamill certainly looks the part, resembling a more moth-eaten and stir-crazy version of Alec Guinness; it remains to be seen whether or not he’ll bring his best to Episode VIII, unlike his two paycheck whore co-stars in this installment. But using Luke as cheap bait and giving him no lines whatsoever is a terrible cheat appropriated from Cock Nose’s tenure producing episodic TV shows. In those shows, it’s all build up and no pay off, and Cock Nose has carried over those wretched principles to his entire filmography thus far. Never has it been more evident than it is here.

“Suck yer cock for half a dollar!”

The new characters are a very mixed bag indeed. Daisy Ridley and Oscar Isaac make the biggest impression, coasting by purely on screen presence. The character arc of the former has been ruined in the employ of the typical SJW agenda of the day. Rey is one of the most hyperbolic examples of the “Mary Sue” archetype to yet come down the pike. She’s great at everything: lightsaber combat, piloting, and using Jedi mind tricks on stormtroopers, often with little practice and sometimes none at all. She is possessed of absolutely no flaws, and shows no weaknesses.

“Live long and prosp…”

Wrong franchise, Daisy. And you’re not performing the gesture right, either. Don’t worry: even your director can’t tell the difference between the two ‘Star’ franchises…

To Ridley’s credit, she plays these limited aspects quite well. However, due to the aforementioned Mary Sue-isms, she is completely unbelievable as a character and hard to empathize with, and these flaws must be laid with Abrams and Kasdan’s (who should know better) short-sighted scriptwriting. None of her triumphs feel earned, the way Luke’s did. When Luke got his ass handed him to by Vader in Empire, we felt it. When Luke proved his worth in the Falcon gunport in A New Hope and started shooting down TIEs, much to his own delight, we delighted with him. Since Rey is practically an accomplished Jedi Padawan from the off, where can her character go over the course of this trilogy? How can she grow?

Isaac is the most charismatic new addition as a kind of younger and less sarcastic Han Solo archetype (with a dash of Wedge thrown in), but he doesn’t have that much screentime and his character is again much too capable to allow for any legitimate growth. Solo was worldly but also imperfect; he got through situations by the skin of his teeth. Isaac’s Poe, by contrast, isn’t just a skilled pilot in the Resistance/Rebellion, like his forerunner, Wedge; he’s a superhuman pilot who navigates his way flawlessly through aerial combat as if he were a kid playing the latest X-box game from the comfort of his own living room. Even torture at the hands of Kylo Ren early in the film isn’t enough to traumatize or shake Poe.

The third major new addition, John Boyega as Finn, is energetic and likeable enough, but his character arc makes little sense and his acting lacks nuance. This is a person, after all, who has been indoctrinated from earliest childhood toward becoming a trained and deadly stormtrooper. In his first experience of combat, a raid on a Jakku village, he experiences a pang of compassion and is immensely shaken. His switch of allegiance comes out of nowhere and is almost totally unbelievable. But far more unbelievable still is his lack of discipline and composure. This guy is running around the desert, sweating like a stuck pig, drinking greedily out of the water troughs of beasts like an alcoholic at last call. A trained stormtrooper should have been cool, calm and collected, even under pressure and stress, and very resourceful. Finn’s character arc should have been handled in a much more gradual and subtle fashion.

Finn couldn’t understand why everybody was staring at him…

What I find even more appalling is that Finn’s arc is basically a none-too-subtly “disguised” slave narrative. The character starts out not even possessed of a name, his only identity being a serial number. Finn goes on the run pursued by his former masters, and then, after hooking up with first Poe, then Rey and finally Solo himself, becomes a mugging comedy sidekick, blurting out naïve enthusiasm and eager to please his white saviors. His interaction with Poe, early in the movie, as they escape a star destroyer, resembles something out of a Bad Boys movie. I’m surprised they didn’t cast Martin Lawrence (another sweaty, mugging midget) as the character. Many wrongfully gave Lucas grief over his use of stereotyped alien voices in The Phantom Menace (when they were actually throwbacks to old Flash Gordon serials), but I’m sure the SJWs will have a field day with this one as it borders on the explicitly racist. Finn is basically a stupid wimp who, in the end, is saved by his Mary Sue white female companion.

Perhaps these numerous character failings are not such a problem in the opening episode of the new trilogy, but it’s difficult to see where things can be taken in the future sequels. As with Star Trek or any IP he gets his hands on and “reboots”, Cock Nose Abrams lays down all sorts of problems for followers by virtue of his ill-thought-out scripts. He takes the money and the initial credit and runs, leaving others to clean up his slop. Rian Johnson certainly has a task on his hands to forge something credible from Jar Jar’s rickety foundations, and plausible and gradual development of the three newcomers will form the core of his problems

As mediocre as the central trio of new heroes prove to be, however, the villains are far more of a failure: they are almost entirely awful, not a patch on Lucas’s iconic creations. The worst, of course, is the baboon going by the name of Kylo Ren. This emo punk is an ill-disciplined Dark Sider, who worships his grandpappy, Darth Vader, and explodes in tantrums of rage when things don’t go his way, trashing control consoles on the bridge of his star destroyer like a teenager trashing his room. That was surely the intention, but it comes off as laughable in execution: Driver is a thirty-something man, not a punk kid. Rick Moranis was more believable as “Dark Helmet” in Spaceballs, a comedic spoof of Vader that Ren unfortunately brings to mind. Anakin Skywalker was also accused of being a whiner at times, but that character actually was a teenager, a mere nineteen years of age in Attack of the Clones and with a deprived upbringing as a slave in his past. Ren is more like one of those insufferable hipsters with wealthy parents, who, by virtue of being coddled all their lives, never fully grow up. It’s a sorry choice for a villain’s characterization, even if it perhaps has some real-life precedent. Nobody wants to see hipster man-children in Star Wars; we have the internet for that!

Moreover, the scene where Ren removes his helmet to reveal a Halloween mask – sorry, face – has been met, according to online reports, with consistent titters and mumblings from the audience (it certainly was at my screening). Driver simply looks nothing like the offspring of Han and Leia he’s supposed to be (yes, really); the man is one of the goofiest looking motherfuckers I’ve ever seen and would be more at home in a Seth Rogan- stoner comedy than an epic space saga, and certainly not as the imposing villain of the piece. I give him credit, though: anyone brave enough to humiliate oneself by having screen sex with dyke du jour, Lena Dunham, deserves the Congressional Medal of Honor for bravery in the line in the line of duty. Driver’s tours of Iraq as a marine prior to becoming an actor obviously came in handy. Balls of steel, man; balls of steel.

Adam Driver as Kylo Ren in “The Force Awakens”

In a pathetic attempt to ape Vader’s earth-shattering revelations at the end of The Empire Strikes Back, we learn, as aforementioned, that Ren is actually Han Solo’s son, Ben, who turned on Uncle Luke and destroyed his burgeoning New Jedi Order. This twist provokes chuckles, rather than shock or awe, and the continuing, rather implausible emphasis on familial plot twists further reduces Star Wars to a tawdry soap opera where every character is revealed to be of dubious parentage. I’m sure Episode VIII will contain further revelations of this nature, with Rey revealed to be the estranged offspring of Luke. Hmmm…it appears the Star Wars galaxy’s nothing but one big, intergalactic fuckfest of bareback one night stands, deadbeat dads and wayward offspring. Add to that the fact that Ren really does look nothing like his parents and you’ve got to wonder. Maybe Leia, hopped up to the eyeballs on crystal meth, did make the beast with two backs with Admiral Ackbar? It’s the only explanation for Ren’s Gonzo the Great phizog. My God! Killed by an ungrateful, whining pussy after being forced to raise him in ignorance of his true parentage, and being cuckolded by the sexual charms of a giant fish: Solo has truly been reduced to PC bitch status by Cock Nose and his cronies!

And what of this film’s puppet master arch-villain, the Palpatine analogue, Snoke? The character design is an unmitigated disaster, resembling nothing more than a giant Gollum rendered with some of the worst CGI since Dwayne Johnson’s Scorpion King in the Mummy Returns. It’s truly appalling, especially when you consider the advances motion capture has made in recent years (often in roles assayed by Andy Serkis himself, no less) and the amount of money Disney has thrown at this thing.

The much-touted Captain Phasma turns out be an absolute non-entity of a character, as useless as her forerunner, Boba Fett, but minus the intriguing suggestion of the latter, which was implicit in his costume and body language. She only has two scenes in the movie: first reprimanding a shaken Finn for hesitating in combat and, later, being taunted by the former when Han Solo captures her at gunpoint in the Starkiller base. This particular moment utterly nullifies any threat the character poses, as Finn happily trash talks and taunts the metallic dummy. Surely if she was such a feared commander, a former subordinate, particularly a character as cowardly as Finn – even with Han Solo at his back for protection– wouldn’t dare to smartmouth her. Can you imagine someone taunting Darth Vader and screaming “Hey, bitch! Watchoo gonna do?”, in the event Vader had somehow been captured by the Rebels and put under house arrest? No way: Vader demanded a kind of awed respect, even as he was hated and feared.

Unless something was cut (there have been unconfirmed rumors of a 160 minute edit of this movie, complete with finished music and FX, in the vaults), I fail to see why Phasma was featured so heavily in pre-release materials and showcased so prominently. Was it simply because she was supposed to look cool? It’s just a stormtrooper spray-painted with chrome, for fuck’s sake!

Which leads me into another digression: I’m absolutely convinced the reason this turkey recycles so many plot and design elements from the OT, with the few new creations on show being utterly generic, isn’t simply because Jar Jar wanted to rehash the famous tropes of the series for the purpose of fan service (although that’s certainly part of it). It’s undoubtedly due to the truncated production schedule, designed to appease share holders, as well. Kennedy originally wanted to release The Force Awakens in summer 2016 and was overruled, with Cock Nose unsurprisingly taking the side of the money men; such a short window to complete the movie obviously left no time to come up with either a coherent story, a raft of new designs, or first rate CG in post-production. TFA looks like one of Abrams’ TV- pilots in places, particularly the dull midsection on the forest planet where Rebel contact, Maz Kanata, stations her secret hideout. There’s no sense of scope to the proceedings at all, just a blend of murky interiors, close-shot framing and a general air of claustrophobia. The subtle details and little touches of Lucas’ environments are nowhere to be seen. And nowhere is this more evident than in the screenplay and the direction.

All around, the script of The Force Awakens is an unqualified disaster. It’s truly one of the worst I’ve witnessed since Orci’s Star Trek travesties or the dreadful quartet of non-narratives that comprise the Transformers- franchise. Lucas’s prequel screenplays were garbled and messy in places, bursting under the weight of complex social and political plots and the need to balance that with summer movie action thrills, but at least they were ambitious and contained subtext. Abrams pulls the same lazy tricks that he and his ratpack of cretins have utilized for every single one of their odious films from the beginning: jam a bunch of barely connected crap together onscreen, throw it at the wall, and see what sticks. Don’t bother setting up any backstory or exposition, don’t bother establishing rules or internal logic, or developing a narrative in a coherent manner; rescue yourself from tricky plot points by recourse to cheats, shortcuts and coincidence.

“Hey, JJ, why didn’t you hire us, man? We could have made this movie even ‘better’!”

An early example of this nonsense is when Finn breaks the captured Poe out of jail on a star destroyer and they steal a TIE to escape. Obviously, Abrams and Kasdan had to get the two back to Jakku to retrieve BB-8, who holds part of the key to finding Luke’s whereabouts in his memory banks. The dictates of the plot demands that Finn meet up with Rey alone – so what does Jar Jar do to get out of this jam? He has Finn wake up alone after being shot down on Jakku, Poe mysteriously nowhere to be seen. Apparently, the wonder pilot bailed out at some point. Later, Poe magically shows up during the Resistance counter-attack to the First Order’s assault on the forest planet secret base, with nary an explanation for his disappearance from the entire first half of the movie. He’s there when the plot needs him to be, and when it doesn’t….he isn’t. Jesus wept.

Another cheat is when Anakin/Luke’s lightsaber, stored in a crate in the bowels of the base belonging to poor man’s Yoda, Maz Kanata, “magically” calls to Rey to inform her of her (inferred) lineage. This lightsaber came from where, exactly? As I recall, it was lost in the bowels of Cloud City and probably swept out into the gas giant’s atmosphere. Certainly, nobody but Vader or Luke knew what happened to it. So, in a galaxy of billions of star systems, someone found and retrieved a single lightsaber, just so we could have yet more coincidental callbacks to the previous movies? That’s beyond looking for a needle in a haystack; that’s akin to randomly trying to find a microbe in the volume encompassed by the Pacific Ocean with a pair of tweezers attached to a submersible’s hydraulic arm. Perhaps the saber simply “called” to its finders? Yes, like the Force conveniently calls to everyone in Jar Jar’s version of the Star Wars galaxy; it helps keep everything nice and tidy.

Fittingly, the movie ends with the biggest plot cheat of all as R2, seemingly in some kind of depressed, self-imposed shutdown for the duration of the flick, suddenly springs back to life – FOR NO APPARENT REASON WHATSOEVER. Again, ludicrous coincidence comes into play, as R2 just happens to hold the missing piece of BB-8’s holographic map to Luke Skywalker’s location. This laughable denouement renders the entire film pointless, as the little tin bastard could have woken up at any time. It’s the ultimate deux ex machina, and insultingly stupid. Yes, there was a tradition in the originals of R2 suddenly and randomly saving the day, for example his repair of the hyperdrive during the escape from Bespin, but the entire plots of those movies never hinged on R2’s last-minute interventions. Jar Jar has once again only copied the surface tropes without truly understanding how and why they work.

R2’s zero hour intercessions in the OT were, in fact, not plot cheats at all, but really just examples of Lucas’ quirky sense of humor and affection for the side characters and humble, ordinary folk of his heroic tales. Lest we forget, the peasants of Kurosawa’s Hidden Fortress and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern served as inspiration for the droids. It was a clever subversion of traditional mythology’s preference for chiseled demigods and all-powerful beings. Jar Jar Abrams – no doubt being an inept, nebbish twat in his teens who idolized the ‘cool’ jocks and cheerleaders – favors the strong, the good-looking, and the proud, perhaps explaining his missteps with the new characters: the beautiful girl is perfect, and the handsome crack pilot is slicker than Tom Cruise’s grinning Maverick in Top Gun. True Star Wars always hinged on how relatable its archetypes were: Leia was a strong female character, but sarcastic, flawed and definitely no story-book princess. Han fumbled through situations through spontaneous improvisation and sheer luck. Luke was earnest and clumsy. Even Obi-Wan had a sense of mischief about him. There’s none of that in The Force Awakens.

The big threat of the film, the Starkiller superweapon itself, aka Death Star III, aka “George Lucas doesn’t have balls as big as I, JJ, hee hee hee,” is a truly retarded creation. Apparently, it works by pulling in the nearest star in order to fuel itself. But since it’s an actual planet, as opposed to a mechanical construction, it’s immobile. So how the hell does it refuel for a second attack? What is its range? It’s another example of something in the plot doing something just because it needs to, not because it operates on sound principles of logic. Star Wars was never beholden to scientific principles – indeed, Lucas’s goal in the creation of the original was intentionally to avoid them – so the astrophysics of wiping out stars and their effects on the neighboring systems don’t come into play, but in any good movie some internal logic is, and should be, expected. Abrams, in his infantile thinking, simply though it’d be rad to one-up Uncle George by creating an even bigger Death Star – gosh golly, super duper, cool! – but didn’t think the principles of such a device, and how it operates according to story parameters, through. And the ease with which it’s defeated (far more easily and with less effort than its two OT equivalents) belies its hugeness and makes a mockery of it. Didn’t anyone ever tell El Cock Nose that it’s not the size that counts; it’s how you use it? Probably his long-suffering wife; I bet the fucker is still pondering that one when he appraises his needle dick under the magnifying glass.

JJ’s dick measuring contests were getting out of hand…

Said weapon demonstrates its power in a sequence that is again a pale facsimile of its OT progenitor. The bad guys use the Starkiller to destroy the New Republic on Coruscant. I presume it’s supposed to be Coruscant, because Jar Jar completely failed to set up any context for the planet or the weapon’s target. We catch a quick glimpse of dignitaries on a balcony before the planet is reduced to atoms, but the sequence lacks any horror or emotion. It’s about as involving as someone standing on an ant hill and wiping his boot afterwards. In A New Hope, although we didn’t glimpse the surface activity on Alderaan, we gleaned the true horror and monstrousness of the situation through Leia’s desperate pleas and Tarkin’s coldly calculated indifference. It’s a sequence that shows just what a talented and inventive filmmaker can do with minimal resources if he or she is possessed of a great grasp of storytelling dynamics. With a budget twenty times its number and all the resources of ILM at his disposable, a hack can only approximate to much lesser effect. Thus, the star-killing sequence, crucially meant to showcase how great a threat the First Order poses to galactic stability, falls utterly flat and is a resounding failure.

In fact, the story of TFA is, all around, paper-thin. Nothing really happens in this movie at all. The baddies launch an attack on the Inner Rim; the resistance witness it from afar; they decide to launch an attack on the Starkiller. Divested of a few padded subplots, that’s it, in a nutshell. And there’s no detailed worldbuilding or character development to fill in the corners and prop up this narrative paucity.

Jar Jar’s direction, particularly his handling of the setpieces, is equally bad: rushed, perfunctory, and offering no tension or excitement. It goes without saying that Cock Nose still has no discernible style to speak of, but he can’t even mimic Lucas to decent effect. Nothing in the story is given room to breathe. Indeed, there is not a single memorable action sequence, moment, or line of dialogue to be found anywhere, and I defy anyone to come up with one without struggling. Since everything is copied beat-for-beat from ANH, the movie struggles to create any meaningful tension or suspense as all the beats are heavily telegraphed: you can see everything coming in advance. The Force Awakens commits the most cardinal sin of all, beyond which all other sins can be excused: it’s boring.

Also, Abrams simply has no feel for the cinematic, a talent which can often counter a lack of script surprise by masterfully employing all the tricks of the trade to immerse the viewer in the here and now. The climactic trench battle – yes, they copied that, too, complete with laser turret gun defenses and a Porkins- lookalike played by Abrams’ childhood buddy, Greg Grunberg – is over in about two seconds. The Starkiller base is destroyed with ease, and there’s no gradual escalation of events, no casualties, no sense of diminishing hope. I already knew that Abrams would try to ape A New Hope’s legendary finale, but I thought he’d at least do a competent facsimile of it. Remember how Lucas’ Death Star assault/trench run built rhythmically, with so many punctuated beats tied to Williams’ score; how all seemed lost; and there was constant, tense cross-cutting between the Death Star and the rebel base on Yavin IV? It was an utterly masterful sequence, one of all time greatest action setpieces in cinema, up there with the chase in The French Connection or the battle at the climax of  The Seven Samurai. Abrams’s equivalent is like an antiseptic videogame- and not just because of the CGI. It has all the emotional involvement of a group of jubilant fratboys having a day out competing against each other in a flight simulator.

In conclusion, TFA is the apotheosis of Abrams’ career to date, in the most negative sense possible. In the words of a character from The Usual Suspects, “the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making us believe he didn’t exist.” Abrams IS that devil and has delivered a terrible Star Wars movie – nay, terrible movie, period – that doesn’t stand up to the slightest scrutiny, but delivers so much surface copycatting that it will, and has, temporarily tricked fans into believing that it’s something other than the cynical piece of shit, and betrayal of Lucas’ ethos, that it actually is. Abrams did much the same thing with his ’09 Star Trek reboot; here he executes the con on a much larger scale.

Perhaps the slyest trick Abrams has pulled is to direct only this initial entry in the trilogy and jump ship, leaving others to clean up his leavings. That way he gets to reap the glory for “saving” Star Wars but doesn’t have to deal with the fallout, as he did when audiences started realizing what a con, built on sand, his Star Trek reboot series was. Poor Rian Jonson may be left with the Star Trek Into Darkness of the new Star Wars trilogy, as it will be extremely difficult to build on, let alone correct, Abrams’s innumerable missteps. In the end, The Force Awakens itself will fade fast from memory, as it is nothing but a set-up for future movies and cannot offer a satisfying or memorable experience of its own. It offers only a superficial surface experience and brings nothing new to the Star Wars mythos.

As an addendum to this, The Force Awakens heralds a new and final era in Star Wars history. After this, there can never be another, as Disney plan on making an unbroken chain of movies until the death of everyone currently alive on the planet (or until the box office fizzles) – the dictates of vulgar capitalism demand it. Previously, there were distinct cycles of Star Wars – with the first in each trilogy being widely anticipated or received. That kind of weighty generational break will never happen again, and the attendant anticipation and celebration it fostered will never again be repeated. Star Wars Phase 3 will instead descend into indifference, as the glut of forthcoming movies fail to build upon each other and instead follow the course of episodic TV shows, becoming increasingly fudged and indistinct to the point of banality and mass audience indifference. If there is to be an Episode X – and there will be; have no doubt of it – it will follow only a year or two after this trilogy’s conclusion. So, in effect, Abrams has cunningly positioned himself as the last word on the series. Lucas must be seething. He created Palpatine, one of the strongest examples of the archetypal manipulative mastermind ever to be witnessed on the cinema screen, and, ironically, was checkmated by his real-life equivalent. One can only imagine Abrams dressed in a cloak and cackling maniacally, cock nose aquiver in the peals of mirth, as the full ramifications of his “victory” (and our loss) become clear. The Emperor undoubtedly would have approved. To wit: “(old) fool, only now, at the end, do you understand…”

“I laugh to keep from crying…bwahahahahahahahahaha, boo hoo hoo, bwahahahaha!!!”

 

“Keep laughing then, Turkeyneck! Forget Snoke – I’m the new Sith master, mwahahaha!!! Next stop – Indiana Jones!”

Verdict: 3/10 – 1 point for the Lucasfilm logo; another point for the “Star Wars” main title; a final one for the end credits!!

  • Toruk_Makto

    Kaboom!

  • Stalkeye

    LMMFAO Holy Shit!

    What I find even more appalling is that Finn’s arc is basically a none-too-subtly “disguised” slave narrative. The character starts out not even possessed of a name, his only identity being a serial number. Finn goes on the run pursued by his former masters, and then, after hooking up with first Poe, then Rey and finally Solo himself, becomes a mugging comedy sidekick, blurting out naïve enthusiasm and eager to please his white saviors. His interaction with Poe, early in the movie, as they escape a star destroyer, resembles something out of a Bad Boys movie. I’m surprised they didn’t cast Martin Lawrence (another sweaty, mugging midget) as the character. Many wrongfully gave Lucas grief over his use of stereotyped alien voices in The Phantom Menace (when they were actually throwbacks to old Flash Gordon serials), but I’m sure the SJWs will have a field day with this one as it borders on the explicitly racist. Finn is basically a stupid wimp who, in the end, is saved by his Mary Sue white female companion.”

    Funny, a Black Coworker of mine complained how Finn was saved by a “White Woman” and how his character was Buffoonish as Jar Jar Binks.

    This is an interesting piece and tou had given us more than we expected or bargain for. Congrats!

  • Stalkeye

    “Again, ludicrous coincidence comes into play, as R2 just happens to hold the missing piece of BB-8’s holographic map to Luke Skywalker’s location. This laughable denouement renders the entire film pointless, as the little tin bastard could have woken up at any time. It’s the ultimate deux ex machina, and insultingly stupid. “

    My friends and I laughed at that scene while shaking our heads! XD

  • Stalkeye

    I strongly agree on how they wasted Captain Phasma and she could’ve been handled much better.Once again, shoddy writing! I can’t understand the hyperbole for TFA, it had potential but for the most part, became a wasted effort.
    I don’t hate it as much as you and a few others, but yes I’m very disappointed.

  • Xiphos

    1.) If the screen writers had any foresight or a sense of humor they would have added the letter G to the end of Finns serial number. Then he would’ve been FNG ###### as in “Fucking New Guy”. The new Stormtrooper origin is just fucking dumb. Finn is the only one to overcome his operant conditioning, just because?

    2.) That Phasma Yeti was really just the New Order HR lady for all intents and purposes.

    3.) Instead of calling this hot mess ‘The Force Awakens” it should’ve been called “Coincidences Abound”

    4.) Black guy and 5 head are so generic I have a hard remembering their names. They had as much charisma and presence as tapioca pudding.

    5.) The thin gruel of TFA is an even thinner and a more cynical ca$h grab then Hobbit$ Ca$h Grabbing Journey$.

    6.) He. “Mary Sue.” Never heard that one before but it fits.

    7.) Adam Driver never deployed to Iraq. He shattered his sternum in a mountain bike accident when 1/1 was prepping for deployment and was separated from. service SEMPER FI MARINE.

    8.) I’m not sure why anybody would fear the New Order, it’s quite evident they will fail, since they have a ginger Englishman in charge. GAME OVER MAN.

    9.) Kylo Ren is carrying on the family tradition of being a whinny bitch. It skips a generation.

    10.) TFA is a spectacle type of movie that falls apart with even a second of thought Since fan bois love to open their mouths to let Hollywood slowly slide its cock down their throats they will mindlessly cheer it on and gladly pay the price. Also the spectacle part of the movie wasn’t all that good but at least they used physical sets and a lot of practical effects.

  • Toruk_Makto

    “One is forced to gag at this horribly smug and egotistical self-referencing. It’s the kind of hipster, meta-fictional garbage that defines everything wrong with the current, self-satisfied and cannibalistic era of franchise filmmaking”

    Too true.

  • Toruk_Makto

    I’m still trying to wrap my mind around how one could make such a shitty villain. At the very least you are supposed to respect the villains potential as a threat.

    Kylo Ren?

    ” I’ve seen putty with more backbone”

    http://statici.behindthevoiceactors.com/behindthevoiceactors/_img/chars/char_15248.jpg

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    On the contrary, Lucas built about as many practical sets, creatures and models for the Phantom Menace as The Force Awakens did – including an entire town in the Tunisian desert and huge podracer mock-ups. Probably a great deal more, in fact. Jar Jar Abram’s claims of majority practical FX were grossly overstated and designed to trick the fanboys. There were no model ships and motion control used in TFA’s battles; there were in parts of the prequels. Therefore, Lucas wins again.

    I wasn’t aware of Adam Driver’s lack of actual combat experience. I guess he – or his associates – have been carefully wording his online bios to make his background look more impressive. Jesse Ventura does the same thing by trumpeting that he was part of an underwater Seal demolitions team during ‘Nam – despite the fact that his team was never deployed. Driver obviously wants to play up his manly credentials to compensate for his platypus-like face. But he’s still a brave SOB for fucking that chubby hipster monster from “Girls”, regardless.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Thanks, man. Yes, Finn is definitely the bumbling “comedy relief” in this movie. You can bet that he won’t be getting any romantic action with Rey in the sequels, either (Poe will be the recipient of that), because they don’t want to risk alienating the Asian markets and all the money those countries bring in. I believe Creepy mentioned something similar in his review about only certain black/white “pairings” being permitted by the SJWs.

    That’s why I scoff at all this talk of “equality” from the PC crowd. Their agendas-of-the-week aren’t all-encompassing or fair-minded, and they’re highly hypocritical to boot. They only want CERTAIN things to be focused on and depicted the way THEY want. They aren’t interested in true “social justice”.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Excellent Turd. I don’t disagree with a word you said. I have often said that STID was a fractal of shit, that no matter how deeply you criticized it, there was more stuff to criticize deeper in that you hadn’t touched. Well, this piece of garbage just makes me angrier and angrier the more I think about it. The way it negates the ending of ROTJ is a fucking crime. A fucking crime.

    Well, not in my dojo it ain’t, because I’m not going to see it. Ever. So all this shit I’ve read is fan fiction. I won’t give it a chance to lodge in my subconscious, ruining ROTJ for me. No…in at least one dojo, Han, Leia and Luke get their happy endings.

    Fuck you Disney. Fuck you Cocknose Jar-Jar Abrams. I remain free of you both.

    Thank you Turd. You made my day!

  • Xiphos

    Ventura lies about being a SEAL since he’s a scum bag conspiracy theory mongering fuck wit which I know is a redundant statement since Conspirtards are nothing more then fuck wits. In those days Seals were split into two sides the “SEAl” side and the UDT side. UDT was what Ventura was in. UDT/SEAl weren’t combined until the early or mid 70’s I think.

    I don’t think Driver ever said anything wrong himself. Maybe his PR monkeys have done so .

    So the prequels weren’t primarily shot in The Necks garage?

  • Xiphos

    I thought Finn and Poe were gay for each other., maybe they’ll get it on.

  • KilliK

    Now that’s what the fuck I am talking about.

  • Frimmel

    Phasma is purely a PC casting. They had to be “progressive” and have a female “villain.” Because equality. It helps if you forget they have been telling us for forty years that if more chicks were in charge of everything there would only be peace and love yet women as bad guy is progress.

  • Stalkeye

    Awww, its Mercer!

    Turok, you won me over, Man!

  • Stalkeye

    This is a solid review and you practically covered all bases. Now more than ever, I understand the disdain many have for JJ. Disney not allowing a potential romance between Finn and Rey because of alienating other countries, (who may scoff at some interracial romance) is a sign of cowardice. Yes, Hypocritical but then again, the SW’s answer to Disney’s “Goofy”,Finn comes off too unappealing and Poe should’ve had a bigger part. So that’s three interesting characters wasted throughout the film. (Kylo, Phasma and Poe.) If they wanted to be very PC, Finn would have been a much cooler character but instead, he’s a bumbling oaf like Jar jar Binks. Its still funny how a Garbageman held his own against Ren who was trained by Luke Skywalkker.

    No argument whatsover, can convince me that this was credible or justifiable.

  • Stalkeye

    Poe practically wanted to blow Finn when he said he was gonna help him escape.

  • Stalkeye

    ” The way it negates the ending of ROTJ is a fucking crime. A fucking crime.”

    Yeah, but at the end of the day, its all about Money and Uncle George had sold his “children to White slavers”.

  • Toruk_Makto

    One of the most quotable movies of our time.

  • Orcus

    Oddly enough there was another chick stormtrooper who reported Rey’s escape to Ren

  • JAGUART

    After three heartbreaking miscarriages in a row, it’s like getting excited about the Down’s Syndrome one that lived.

  • Frimmel

    Even with that given that a common complaint is Phasma didn’t have enough to do it is difficult to think something other than they just threw her in to tick a box on the don’t make the feminists mad checklist.

  • mebbe

    Nobody conned my ass.

  • mebbe

    Well…let me be more politic…no one from AICN pre-Pacific Rim talkbacks has stood next to this movie…only shat hard all over its face. Wow that was not super politic of me.

  • Orcus

    Hey, the First Order now has women in combat and command roles as well as minorities, a step up from Palpatine’s regime

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    That’s because everyone who jumped ship from AICN to The Supernaughts was of discerning taste. The only people left there now are mindless drones who’d worship two hours of JJ taking a dump if it was titled “Star Wars”.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Abrams can’t lay claim to the novelty of female villains. You’re forgetting about Dooku’s padawan, Asajj Ventress, from the Clone Wars series. That’s still considered canon, you know.

    BTW, I’ve just had an awful premonition that the eventual Boba Fett spin-off will reveal Fett’s true identity to be that of a female who killed the original Boba from AOTC and assumed his identity. I recall there were rumors that they were planning on retconning Clones and having a mystery person under the armor. I guarantee they make it a woman (shades of Samus Aran from the Metroid games).

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    And there were plenty of female Jedi masters in Lucas’s prequels, too, so Rey won’t be the first. Yet Abrams undeservedly reaps all the plaudits for being “progressive”. The difference is that Uncle George expanded the make up of his world subtly and didn’t use it to shove an agenda in people’s faces.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    “The way it negates the ending of ROTJ is a fucking crime. A fucking crime.”

    It really is. And, because of that, I can’t believe so many so-called “fans” are praising this movie, which destroys the integrity of their beloved OT while superficially appearing to honor it. They must be blind, or in complete denial, in thrall to the Disney/Bad Robot hype machine.

    It occurred to me recently where they will be taking this trilogy, and perhaps the subsequent one (X-XII). Rey will not only surpass Luke as the new Jedi grandmaster, but also be the one to establish a succesful and permanent Jedi Order, something which her mentor (father?) failed to do (according to TFA’s backstory).

    I only hinted at this in the review, but it isn’t just Han Solo whose achievements have been erased – Luke’s have to. Basically, he came through his OT trials for nothing, as he failed to enact the Jedi’s return as prophesied and instead became the last survivor, akin to Kenobi and then Yoda in the OT. He screwed up in trying to establish a new Order and his student nephew turned on him and destroyed it, setting everything back to the dynamics and situation of the original trilogy, which is where we find ourselves in Episode VII.

    Now, Mary Sue will succeed where Papa Luke failed, and i have no doubt Episodes X-XII will be about a new breed of Jedi led by Master Rey Skywalker. Maybe they should subtitle Episode IX: Return of the Jedi (fo’ realz!)

  • KilliK

    dont forget the female assassin from AOTC . granted, she was actually a shape-shifting alien, but you dont see its true form until it dies. and we dont know if it was a he in the first place.

    Cocknose should have made General Hux a woman. A cold,calculating bitch who doesnt forgive mistakes from her men, and she also happens to be brilliant tactician and a formidable fighter who can take care herself on her own. Leave Phasma for the next movie, Hell, if you have balls and want to be a true progressive filmmaker, establish a lesbian innuendo between Phasma and Hux.

    But nope, we are aping Tarkin to sell the movie, so we must keep Hux a man. Progressive my ass.

    As for the retconned Fett being a woman this time, if Disney goes with that, it will be a huge mistake for them. The fans have a specific image of Fett, they even got upset with Lucas for altering his voice, if you change him into a woman, it will infuriate them. Promoting progression in classic mega-franchises, has its limits.

  • Indrid Cold

    LOL!

  • mebbe

    It has been a wild ride.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Agreed. They should have cast Hux with a hot Asian actress who’s capable of playing an imperious and wicked military character. Maybe Gong Li or Maggie Q would’ve fit the bill. And it would have helped market the movie to China and Korea, too.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Yes; you’re a shining example of the above mentioned, my friend.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Thanks. Appreciate the kind words.

  • CoolHandJuke

    Anyone have a half dollar I can borrow?

  • Orcus

    Very true, Orcus followed the Clone War series, but to reiterate, Orcus was comparing Palpatine’s regime to the First Order.

  • mebbe
  • mebbe

    “It’s a fail on many levels.”
    -DetectiveDee

  • Orcus

    “Cocknose should have made General Hux a woman. A cold,calculating bitch who doesnt forgive mistakes from her men, and she also happens to be brilliant tactician and a formidable fighter who can take care herself on her own”

    Very true, but then there would have been comparisons to Admiral Daala from the EU, which honestly would not have been a bad thing since she was both competent and ruthless in the novels

  • Orcus

    He saved the Asians for the Resistance, bad guys are always English / British it appears 🙂

  • mebbe

    The movie is shouty and meaningless kind of like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia except instead of the style being used for just satire it’s used to move the plot along. I’m sorry my mom’s personality disorder is really uh….getting out of hand….I’ll be back….never….*lights crack pipe* *exhales deeply* fuck JJ Abrams.

  • KilliK

    btw, have you seen this?:

    http://www.comicvine.com/articles/preview-obi-wan-and-anakin-1/1100-154595/

    official comic set in the Prequels era. hehe, and the fanboys are still fantasizing that Disney will ignore the PT.

  • KilliK

    well, two of the gang leaders chasing Solo, were asians.

  • KilliK

    no, sorry, I have a full dollar.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    LOL. Oh, you

    Carrie’s going-rate is falling fast, so if you’re prepared to wait a few years, she may do you for free. I doubt she’d even know where she was by that point…

  • Orcus

    Shit, you’re right. The other baddie was..what? Irish? Scottish? Orcus is gonna have to look him up

  • Totally agree that JJ seems still being arrested in a phase when he wanted to suck up to the jocks of his school. His characterizations have a distinctive late 80s/ early 90s vibe about them, hence all the “90210” comments about Nu Trek.
    I also sadly have this feeling about Peter Jackson’s LOTR movies sometimes. He always proclaims to identify with the hobbits, but he seems to adore the elves and the human heroes much more. That’s also the reason why he prettied up the dwarfs in The Hobbit movies.

  • “Kanjiklub”…oh my…

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Haha. Only a moron would seriously have believed Disney were going to ignore the prequels. The potential for Padme as a Disney Princess, with tons of accessories and costumes, would be enough to refute that notion alone. Yet, some fanboys still do believe it: I actually witnessed a couple of retards arguing there was a possibility Disney would consider remaking the prequels recently. Uh-huh, not a chance in hell…

    They already featured references and footage to them in TFA. Anakin was shown killing the tusken raiders in a vision. Christensen, McGregor and Neeson returned to do brief voice-overs for the sequence. And Anakin’s ghost was going to be featured at one point, too. Plus, Snoke will assuredly turn out to be Plaguis.

    As you said previously, now that the middle-aged old farts have been catered to, Disney will turn their attention to satisfying the Prequel generation. Expect numerous spin-offs to follow: the Adventures of Obi Wan; a Darth Maul movie; even a Mace Windu solo adventure or a live-action Clone Wars movie set between II and III. And I expect the saga movies will soon start incorporating many more elements from the prequels, too.

    Wouldn’t surprise me if they could easily get many of the PT actors to return, as McGregor, Jackson and Neeson have already expressed interest in reprising their roles. I’m sure even Portman could be persuaded to return for some cold, hard cash. She’s happy to sleepwalk through the Thor movies, so why not more Star Wars?

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    I didn’t notice many Asians on the Resistance side. They might have been there, but in the background.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Cocknose already cannibalized the EU for the Ben Solo character (with some modifications), so I doubt he was worried about any other comparisons on that front.

    Sadly, the major EU villains – Thrawn, Daala, Xizor – were, on the whole, far more original and interesting than TFA’s bad guys.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Yep.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    And don’t forget that his first TV series was one of those horrible Dawson’s Creek-style teen angst nineties shows, full of photogenic young people. Not the kind of project you’d think a “geek” director would start his career with.

    The decision to create such a thing must have been not only opportunistic (which Abrams is), but emblematic of something deeper on his part – a desire to fit in and create the kind of fantasy high school/college life he wished he’d had.

  • mebbe

    Just how bad was The Force Awakens really? I mean seriously…..this film was like a bad bad sequel from the 1990’s….I’m trying to figure out how much Disney bought and paid for these Rotten Tomatoes reviews from a numeric standpoint….like…it was one of those turgid, over-produced shit sequels from the nineties like….I want to say Speed 2 but I’m trying to be cool about it….Is anyone going to argue this movie was better than Cliffhanger (69% at RT)….not that that is a sequel…but….just for example….you’re telling me that TFA is 27% better than Cliffhanger? So AT LEAST 27% of the Rotten Tomatoes reviewers are suspect….bare minimum.

  • mebbe

    Ok Robocop 2…there’s a crap sequel from the nineties that reminds me of TFA…32% at RottenTomatoes. Is TFA better than Robocop 2? I say no.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Abrams should have had George Takei play that cameo, as a kind of meta-joke. The sequence was already so ridiculous that I’m sure no one would have minded.

  • mebbe

    I say that 65% of these RT reviews are suspect if not from a bribery angle then from a political one.

  • mebbe

    From a political angle I say 100% of the rotten tomatoes reviews are suspect because the movie was such a fucking joke. I mean….the only way any of the elite critics like NYT and New Yorker could give it huge ups was by marginalizing or belittling the brand itself. Like…..oh it’s just Star Wars anyway…it’s a fine picture!

  • I kind of dig Cliffhanger

  • mebbe

    But the movie had the logic of a grade school play written by the actors and the charm of a public high school AV lab nerd getting mad at you because you mess with his calibrations.

  • mebbe

    And the OWNERSHIP it took of the saga, of the myth and story itself was just mind blowing. Mind. Blowing.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Robocop 2 is superior, yes. It’s pretty bad, but it’s not without merit. And it wasn’t made with as cynical an intent as TFA.

  • mebbe

    LOL

  • mebbe

    TFA was not even a movie.

  • Toruk_Makto
  • mebbe

    A lot of people do. It’s not a bad film. I’m just kind of using it as an example.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    It’s underrated, just like Predator 2. At least it wasn’t a reboot disguised as a sequel.

  • mebbe

    Predator 2 is a PhD candidate next to TFA’s angry, jealous, toddler

  • mebbe

    This was not a Star Wars film. It was something else. It was an alternate timeline Star Wars for a lot of reasons. It just didn’t make any sense.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    That’s a very disturbing gif. Takei is probably the only person on the planet who’d look more artificial than his own wax dummy.

  • The fight at the end is still a highlight.

  • mebbe

    Next question. Is Robocop 2 better than any of the OT movies?

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Now we’re going too far…

  • mebbe

    We’re deep now. Don’t lose any golf balls 😉

  • Toruk_Makto

    I like Robocop 2. The badguys were interesting…I mean holy shit…badguys with actual fucking personalities.

  • mebbe
  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    It’s at least notable as one of the last stop-motion showcases in a big budget movie. I remember thinking at the time that the FX looked dated in comparison to other movies of that late eighties/early nineties period, like The Abyss and Total Recall, but it has gained a lot of charm in retrospect.

  • Orcus

    The Ken Leung, the dude that played Miles from Lost. He was giving the main speech on the Starkiller

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    True, but I didn’t like how they turned the Old Man from a more subtle, ambiguous character into an out-and-out, cartoonish, corporate villain. Still don’t. Noonan was creepy. Not as good as Kurtwood Smith, but still pretty effective.

  • mebbe

    And here is why: Daisy Ridley holds her own against a Sith with a lightsaber she’s never used before because she has been carrying a staff around living in a shack on a desert planet? So that would mean one of the Sand People probably would have kicked Kylo Rey’s ass in a heartbeat. OK fine….suspend disbelief? Maybe? Or maybe her force powers are god mode….it’s imbecilic….but then that Finn guy also is able to stand down the Sith too? What? It was so obviously some panicky rewrite bullshit. And it sucked sooooooooooooooooooooo hard.

  • Orcus

    Daala was cool, Orcus always got this Captain Janeway vibe from her character

  • mebbe

    The movie was the opposite of medication. It like….made you depressed…it created the need for medication….

  • Orcus

    That’s the one the Raid 2 guys were in. Orcus is racking his pointy head on the name of the other gang

  • mebbe

    How is JJ Abrams’ incredibly pedestrian style–run around fast and make witty chatter–the right fit for space opera?

  • mebbe

    This is why John Williams PROBABLY was like….you can’t use my fucking THEMES for this horseshit.

  • mebbe

    I bet you that’s why…in the back of his head…he was like…I’ll do some Harry Potter Plus type stuff….but this hack is not right for this classic, grand music.

  • Yeah the FX was dated. It was just one year before T2 was released. But the fight iself was aces.

  • That was a BS move with the Old Man, total character assassination. They could have also spared out reheating the story about Murphy’s wife and kid.

  • Yeah I know. I don’t like the name.

  • mebbe

    TFA<Robocop2<Original Trilogy

  • mebbe

    well it’s true

  • Toruk_Makto

    I forgot about the old man and his cronies. I was thinking about
    Cain
    Angie
    Hob
    Throwing in Dr Faxx, Johnson, and the old man makes me appreciate the movie even more.
    Robocop had a shitload of obstacles stacked against him.

  • mebbe

  • Orcus

    Now that Orcus has some free time, Orcus might catch another showing. At least Orcus can cross off Hateful Eight off his list this week.

    Dingus

  • The damn kid.

  • Toruk_Makto

    little fucker.

  • Darth Doomcock

    I’ve mentioned before about how I found 3 prequel reboot scripts from a reference over at CHUD, who in turn found them posted on a newsgroup. They were excellent. I’m thinking about writing an article about them, and posting links to them on my Google drive for you guys.

    They are radical fixes of the Prequels, eliminating all the horrible shit but preserving the general structure that Lucas put in place. I’m really surprised that these scripts remain obscure, because they’re excellent. I have no idea why they were written, I assume they’re fan fiction, but they’re much better than typical fan fiction. Anyway, I’m thinking maybe it’s time I write an article about them and share them here…

  • Darth Doomcock

    Oh fuck, what a horrible idea. So basically at this point, they’ll PC retcon every unexplored part of the SW universe to fill it with proud black handicapped women of Native American descent.

    Urp. I just threw up in my mask. I hate it when that happens.

  • Orcus

    Link?

  • KilliK

    do you have the link for those scripts? i would like to read them.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Turd, it makes me sick at heart. How can these idiots not see that a corporation is raiding their dreams for profit?

    It really does…beneath this iron mask there beats a tender heart. I am a geek. I care about these projected dreams that thrilled me as a child. To literally have those memories PLUNDERED for gain, completely destroying them for corporate profits, it’s disgusting beyond expression. I simply don’t have the words. And all those fans who are lapping this shit up without a THOUGHT to what it is doing to the original trilogy? Please do not ban me for this, but there is simply no other way to express it: it’s like being raped in prison, and then HAPPILY licking your rapist clean, thanking him for the privilege.

    It’s truly and sincerely like a junkie needing a new high so badly that he pawns the last memento of his mother, her wedding ring, just to have that cheap high again.

    You’re absolutely right…it completely trashes ALL of the original characters. Leia, from what I understand, is no longer her sassy self, Luke has removed himself EITHER because he utterly failed as a teacher (and so he SULKS rather than FIGHT?!) OR he has the Dark Side surging within him, which fucks ROTJ up the ASS by completely hollowing out Luke’s great triumph in the Emperor’s throne room when he throws down his saber and declares himself a Jedi.

    And Han…well, it breaks my heart to hear he got the Captain Kirk abusive pointless death.

    DAMN. DAMN. DAMN. I am fucking SICK AT HEART. Star Wars is fucking dead to me. After all these years, but there’s just no way around it. It’s dead Jim. It’s dead.

  • KilliK

    Cyborg Cain is a more memorable villain that Kylo Ren, that’s for sure.

  • Darth Doomcock

    I tell you what…I’ll write the article, and put the link to the scripts in my Google Drive. I’ll get that to Supernaughts tonight, and you guys will have it as soon as they put it up.

    They’re very cool…gone the Trade Federation, gone Jar Jar, Palpatine’s plot makes sense and you see it unfold across the three scripts, Anakin is a troubled but powerful ex-slave (as he always should’ve been)…these scripts don’t shy away from the darkness. In fact, the first ten pages introduce a bloody act of assassination that prompts everything that follows.

  • Darth Doomcock

    I’ll get that to the Supernaughts tonight…

  • mebbe

    Anyway….let’s put the pieces back together for Rian Johnson…he should age Kylo, Daisy and Finn and make them as old as Han, Leia, and Luke were in 7. Old ass people. And then do a flashback with Luke and Han and Leia to before 7 but just call that shit Episode 8.

  • mebbe

    somebody photoshop those guys as old and haggard looking

  • mebbe

    episode 8 poster

  • KilliK

    damn, I had a similar idea, to start the movie with an assassination which ignites the Naboo war but for episode 2. I wanted episode 1 to be more lighthearted and fun, more like the Aladdin cartoon movie. And start the darker story in part 2.

  • KilliK

    one of Sly’s better action movies.

  • it’s funny, his filmography is rather poor as a whole

  • CoolHandJuke

    when Jesus returns and some dumbass asks him what the meaning of life was, he’s going to say “Robocop 2″…

  • mebbe

    also put Darth Maul in a wheelchair on there

  • KilliK

    Battlefield Earth bad.

  • KilliK

    cool, we ll wait for your article.

  • mebbe

    that’s good

  • Darth Doomcock

    It’s dark, but the banter is very Star Wars, so it has the lightheartedness through the character’s interactions…you know, organically, like in the REAL STAR WARS. (FUCK! I HATE WHAT DISNEY HAS DONE!) Yeah, the characters in these scripts, and how they evolve, really make the difference. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon actually have characters and a relationship that obviously comes from a very close history, and (yes!) C-3PO and R2-D2 meet and instantly annoy each other…feels very organic to what came before. These scripts have Padme only slightly older than Anakin, and so they have a much more natural relationship that progresses much more naturally into a relationship in the second movie.

  • Darth Doomcock

    I can’t really link to them because they were posted in a newsgroup originally. I downloaded them from an article at CHUD, but when I do a Google search for them I can’t find any reference to them other than the CHUD article. So I’ll pop them on my Google drive, and post the links in an article.

  • Orcus

    Cool, Orcus would like to be kept in the loop on that.

    Did they mention which newsgroup? Rec.Arts.Starwars? Alt.binaries.starwars? Orcus is well versed in Usenet

  • KilliK

    already sounds great. if only Lucas could find someone to rewrite his scripts, I know he sent invitations but everybody refused. sigh. now we are witnessing the true death of SW, because of that..

  • Darth Doomcock

    I’ll put the link in my article, which is all I really know about it, BUT I’d kind of rather you guys get this from Supernaughts, as I prefer this site to CHUD!!! 🙂

  • Orcus

    Orcus shall have his human guise update his FB page with a link here.

  • Darth Doomcock

    The thing that struck me about these scripts is they showed how Lucas’ structure was basically sound…it was just the execution that went south.

    Yeah, I’m jazzed now. I’m going to go type this up and submit it (my second article…the first was my review of how Breaking Bad completely jumped the shark in the end of the 5th season…it got me a LOT of shit from people, but fuck it…I speak my truth, yo!)

  • mebbe

    What Disney should have done is committed to spending $200 million up front on VII and hired a quality director (David Fincher) to make the film. Then committed again to $200 million for every additional film. This film cost what? $130 million? *Googles* ……TFA budget = $200 million. Damn………………

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Yeah, it’s weird: for someone who wrote an Oscar nominated screenplay, Stallone always was a poor judge of scripts. And, unlike Arnold, he never worked with top action directors, preferring instead puppets he could control.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Go for it. I’d be interested in reading that.

  • It was always about him. Arnold knew that the movie was as important as the star.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Phantom Menace should be a lighthearted adventure, like ANH was. A lot of fan fiction scripts/fan edits/EU materials seem to forget that Star Wars is primarily a fun space opera, with elements of darkness only appearing on occasion when the story demands it. Instead, they want everything to be like Empire, all the time.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    It’s true; they ruined everybody. Utterly. At least you’ve spared yourself the pain of witnessing the desecration first hand. In a sane world, the story ended with ROTJ; the final shot of our heroes watched over by the Force ghosts remains the last word on those characters, as far as I’m concerned. The rest is best left to the imagination, and my imagination (and yours, and that of everyone else who isn’t a supplicating corporate mark) is undoubtedly much richer than Abrams’s.

    I wonder if Lando Calrissian will be re-introduced as a shady gambler in Episode VIII? Actually, there’s no need to ponder: he will be.

  • KilliK

    excellent review, Turd. well done, mate, you couldnt have said it better.

  • “with endless options for renewal”… applies to SW as well

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Thanks, mate. 😉

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Travolta thought BE was better than Star Wars…no joke. I think he also called it the “Pulp Fiction” of the sci-fi genre. LOL.

  • Those guys have some pretty efficient brain-washing techniques over there… hell, they should make a special Blu Edition and call him for additional interviews.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    I think Travolta’s crazy comments were proof that his mind was heavily infected by Xenu’s engrams. No doubt the Scientology Celebrity Center in LA charged him an additional ten thousand dollars to get rid of them.

  • Darth Doomcock

    I agree. Of course, the story of Anakin and the Jedi’s fall is inherently dark. Personally I think the story should not have been told, but if you have to tell it, you can’t pussy out and make it all light and frothy. You don’t get Darth Vader from a happy kid.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Yeah, and they won’t even let Vader rest in peace. Mark my words.

    Yes…the original cut of Jedi, with the Ewoks celebrating to the original ending song, that’s how my Star Wars ends.

  • Darth Doomcock

    I truly regret all the shit I’ve given Lucas all these years. I think all the hate drove him to sell, not the money.

    Man, all the prequel hate, and I didn’t know how bad it could get. To quote Yoda “Now matters are worse”. This thing is not only poor, it is soulless corporate product. Much worse than the prequels.

  • Bop

    No, I wouldn’t trust that man, Turd.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    You have gone entirely off the reservation. And, real critics have the balls to sign their actual names to their reviews.

    Yours isn’t a review. It’s an adolescent snark fest.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Me, neither.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Well shit, I got ahead of myself about writing an article about those scripts, I started trying to write it but I’ve got to get to bed, and I’m going to be running hard till maybe next week sometime, so fuck it – here are the links to the prequel reboot scripts which I put up on Google Drive, and I’ll write the article when I have more time:

    https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B3zZthhbJqyhc3d4UHV3R1hvV3c/view?usp=sharing

    https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B3zZthhbJqyhQkRIMWo1MEtMTW8/view?usp=sharing

    https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B3zZthhbJqyhNWF0SDNiVU95U3c/view?usp=sharing

    Okay guys, I’m off to bed, enjoy! And thanks again Turd for the great article…good to know there are people out there who weren’t taken in by Cocknose (though how he can continue writing ANYTHING is beyond me after STID).

  • Darth Doomcock
  • Toruk_Makto

    This is the one thing that has kept me away from fanfiction or fan interpretations. A failure to understand balance.

    “Cool” elements must be earned from a solid narrative and actually make sense. Too much of anything is just crap.

    I cringe at the notion of force chokes and lightsaber duels breaking out because someone stepped on someone’s else’s robe.

  • If you read the comments from IMDB, half the people there, if not the majority, were not taken by him either.

  • The movie didn’t need a super-quality director to be good, just a competent director with a decent script that was more than a laudry list of copy and paste scenes from previous SW movies..

  • mebbe

    Great review Turd. Talkbacker-esque. World class mang.

  • mebbe

    Yeah but I want the friggin’ Finch to direct some Tales of the Jedi stuff….been wanting that since I was in short pants. I think I had this idea in third or fourth grade. So….like…..twenty years ago.

  • I really don’t like this movie much. I absolutly love the first (and only, as far i’m concerned).

  • dochollerin

    This is perhaps the greatest thing I’ve ever read.

  • Stalkeye

    Thank you. The sequel got such a undeserved bad rap. Sure, it wasn’t as good as the first Robocop but a very enjoyable Movie that was a great blend of satire and violence.

  • Jesus had days like this.

  • KilliK

    ditto in Reddit. also the movie is not doing that well worldwide. Indians ignored it, here in Greece it had a huge drop in its second week and the best thing? The theatrical release of the new Sherlock Holmes tv special in Korea, is a bigger hit than TFA. (2nd place in its opening day, while TFA is in 4th in its 3rd week). It is also doing great in China:

    http://deadline.com/2016/01/sherlock-china-korea-uk-box-office-1201676048/

    Asians love their Cumberbatch, it seems.

  • mebbe
  • Frimmel

    Predator 2’s main crime, similar to the big thing with Temple of Doom, is simply not being as good as Predator. But Predator 2 is an actual sequel that doesn’t simply do away with what came before.

    I’d put The Fly II with Eric Stoltz up there as another underrated sequel. It at least doesn’t do away with what came before like Predator 2.

  • All you will ever get from Fincher in Star Wars is his small credit helping the SFX as a junior technician in Return Of The Jedi. Yeah, he’s there, look it up in the end credits.

  • Darth Doomcock

    It seems so bizarre to me that people are so emotional as to fool themselves in the moment that something they want to be good actually IS good. And they’ll fight hard to keep believing that. Cognitive dissonance ain’t just a river in Egypt…or, uh, something like that… 😉

    And Asi, I’d gladly add you to my Facebook page, but I don’t have one! So if you ever want to chat, feel free to drop me a line at [email protected]

  • Maps5

    Well who do you think would be a good choice?

  • Darth Doomcock

    That does my heart glad to hear! A shame they made their filthy money, but what the fuck…I think they damaged their beloved IP with this cynical quick money grab. People will be less taken in next time, and they did some shit they can’t undo.

  • Maps5

    i mean just objectively that is better…

  • Frimmel

    That is very interesting to me. I do not get the hate piled upon the prequels and that seems the sort of story they really should have been telling with AOTC.

    I also enjoyed that writer’s work on Red Lanterns and Swamp Thing.

    It is certainly a surprise they’re doing anything with the prequel era before their Rebels show.

  • Maps5

    You can undo it you just have to not be the worst filmmakers and storytellers that ever lived. Maybe take a risk or something.

  • Frimmel

    I disagree that Palpatine’s plot doesn’t make sense. If you’re one to think plans never need adjustments or hit snags or altered for new opportunities maybe. It makes even more sense if Jar Jar was originally intended to be a Sith. https://www.reddit.com/comments/3qvj6w

    The script for AOTC where Dooku is Jar Jar is the one I’d like to see.

    Still curious to read these later. Thanks for the links.

  • Frimmel

    Didn’t really even get that right. Luke called HIS kid Ben. Why would Han and Leia call their kid Ben? Bail maybe. And Jacen Solo in the EU was a top Jedi Knight for quite some time before going bad.

  • Frimmel

    Ventress is one of my favorite characters from the Clone Wars series. Thanks for reminding me of the other female villains. Funny that it points out how bankrupt JJ is even more. He’s probably never watched an episode of Clone Wars. Probably never even picked up an EU novel and pretended he was going to read it.

  • Frimmel

    Daala was a much better leader than Janeway but I see where you’re coming from with that.

  • Christopher MacIntyre

    Luke was sulking, Leia was slacking, Han was slumming, and R-2 was sleeping

    No wonder things were so f-ed up in Star Wars Land.

  • Frimmel

    I still have the EU stuff I’ve read where Luke rebuilds the Jedi.

  • Toruk_Makto

    You’re right. It makes more sense for Luke to name his child Ben. Han knew him for 5 minutes and Leia only knew him as Obi Wan Kenobi. Ugh, I feel a rant coming on…

  • Stalkeye

    That part was ripped straight from Deathlok. But had far less of an impact when compared to these panels.

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_uZMPVFAFJD8/SaZdpiAHD3I/AAAAAAAAA5Y/MDHOh0CzciM/s320/deathlok+%26+janice.jpg

  • KilliK

    Since Frank Miller wrote the first draft, it’s not a surprise he got his ideas from that comic.

  • Guys like Rian Johnson or Gareth Edwards are good choices. They are inventive and talented filmmakers who have yet to developt an unique style of their own that would clash to something like SW which has a style of it’s own that superceeds an individual vision besides it’s creator (George Lucas). Guys like the one who did Jurassic World (whose name i can’t be arsed to memorise) and who will direct Ep9, well, they kinda are right for a SW movie if you are not asking much from it in terms of artistry or intelligence, if you get my drift.

  • I was waiting for this review to be published so that i finally start to organize my thoughs to produce my own review of this movie. I’m like collecting opinions, or maybe i should say, i’m seeing the reactions and the whole circus about it. It’s kinda inspiring, actually.

  • Toruk_Makto

    Can’t wait.
    My only hope is that somehow, someway, reviews like this come across that franchise raiding fuckwits vision so that he knows that there are at least some people left in this world who can still see through his bullshit.

  • Or at least feed info to some high up executives who can use this as ammunition to help dethrone the current generation of executives that run the studios who are little more than glorified accountants. Each of this guys have their own power bases, and the JJ’s is the gushing nostalgia junky geeks. If we can inspire somebody who is an enemy of JJ to feel secure in his powerbase to go after him and knock him out of his pedestal, that’s a good thing, if you aks me.

  • Darth Doomcock

    I just meant they can’t unkill Han, and so they can’t undo the fact that we’ll never get a reunion of Han, Luke and Leia. They also can’t undo the loss of goodwill by playing it safe here. It was the last time Disney will ever have years and years of waiting in frustration for new Star Wars to buoy their box office, since they’ll be bringing out new Star Wars product every year until people are sick of it.

  • Toruk_Makto

    So we supplant him with someone who can appeal to base-liners and geeks but isn’t a complete douchebag? Works for me.

  • KilliK

    thanks!

  • Frimmel

    Leia probably never even heard of Kenobi until her adoptive Dad sent her to get him.

    I found Ben Skywalker fairly interesting in both the Legacy and Fate of the Jedi novel series. I enjoyed the teen romance thing the writers had going on with the Sith girl Vestara in the Fate series.

  • Toruk_Makto

    “JJ’s is the gushing nostalgia junky geeks”

    I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve read someone admitting to all the films faults but then bookending with “but it made me feel good”. Makes me want to scream:
    “You pavlovian dogs…how can you let yourself be so easily manipulated?!”.
    It’s like those lab animals that would rather get drugs than eat real food.

  • Toruk_Makto

    It’s a damn shame when you can’t just say you didn’t like something…be honest Sam!

  • KilliK

    “they got time to get better”

    ahahahahaha.

  • KilliK

    cant wait for it, mate.
    I am going to post a review, but it wont be an article. I am waiting for the bluray, before I start making it. and I ll probably need your help too.

  • Toruk_Makto

    Isn’t that funny?
    Think about it…first Sam doesn’t really want to comment so the guy presses him.
    Then Sam makes one little critique…mostly in jest. And the fucking guy starts defending the movie! Un-fucking-real.

  • KilliK

    Judging by the awful Looper and the boring Godzilla, they are not that good of a choice. But, yeah, still preferable than Cocknose.

  • DukeCanuck

    You nailed it.

    I am SHOCKED at the response and ratings of TFA.

    Aren’t any of the critics over 40 and remember the OT?

    How can more of them not see this rehashed scam for what it is?

    Anyways, thanks for speaking truth.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Thanks, man. I love (Lucas’s) Star Wars, so I had to be brutally honest.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    That’s high praise, indeed. Thanks!

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    There’s still a lot more that could be said about TFA, now that a little time has gone by since its release; the movie’s failings as a continuation of Lucas’s story have become ever more apparent.

    These were initial impressions, written only a few days after seeing the movie (but not published until now due to the site going off-line), and I still stand by them. But there are certainly aspects that could be further elaborated on and new points raised. One of the most prominent is how Abrams smuggled a carefully calibrated reboot/retcon under the guise of a sequel.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    That’s actually quite shocking. I’ve never heard Jackson say ANYTHING negative, or strongly suggestive of a negative, about Star Wars until now. Even he knows the movie’s poor.

    He always seemed to be quite loyal to George, anyway. Maybe that’s also part of it. I guess Sam doesn’t like “retro” movies, either. LOL.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Miller’s first draft was released as a graphic novel some years ago. I haven’t read it, but surprisingly I’ve heard that it’s also pretty bad. I’d have thought, based on his eighties/early nineties reputation (not his current standard of work), that it would’ve been a big improvement.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    I enjoy The Fly II as a “B” horror movie stand-alone with some great make-up FX, but I don’t like it as a sequel to Cronenberg’s classic. Sometimes you have to engage in cognitive dissonance to enjoy certain sequels (which may fail as sequel narratives, but have merit in other categories). I feel the same way about Alien 3.

  • KilliK

    yeah, it is very bad. The brunette chick from the movie is the main villain and she is the one who turns into RoboCain in the end and fights Robocop. Honestly, the movie is a lot better. But his Robocop vs Terminator comic is great, go check it if you have the time.

  • Maps5

    They can unkill Han just do a flashback to before 7 and make it long….or don’t….anyway….how is that hard? Or do a prequel to 7? Yeah…please do that.

  • Maps5

    I have never had an article and thread where I feel that I just can’t post anything more. Nothing that I can post is going to make this funnier than it is. I don’t know what to tell you. Cut. Print it. Check the gate.

  • Frimmel

    “The Fly” did not need a sequel. Tragedies shouldn’t have sequels that go looking for a happy ending. Even at that though I do appreciate it on the “B” horror movie level and I appreciate that it is at least a continuation of the story of the first film. I really liked bitter angry Stathis Borans and get invested enough in Martin’s quest to not go through any mental contortions to watch it.

    Totally with you on Alien 3. It isn’t a cinematic travesty but does take a few mental contortions to watch.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    “The brunette chick from the movie is the main villain and she is the one who turns into RoboCain in the end and fights Robocop.”

    WTF? 😮 Sounds like a load of crap!

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Any “review” that is larded with adolescent and scatological remarks about Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and J.J. Abrams cannot be taken seriously.

    Moreover, this angry, bitter troll can’t be bothered to spell the director’s name of Episode VIII correctly: it’s “Johnson,” not “Jonson.”

    And, the disproportionate rage about Abrams is festooned throughout this snarky screed and colors Turd’s facile analysis of the film: He’s compared to Palpatine and the devil himself. Turd insults Abrams’ wife, repeatedly refers to Abrams’ anatomy, and writes about Abrams as if Turd himself bullied Abrams in high school, and is now apoplectic over Abrams’ success.

    Moreover, Turd reveals himself as a sexually frustrated creep with this turgid nonsense (which is one of myriad examples):

    “Hmmm…it appears the Star Wars galaxy’s nothing but one big, intergalactic fuckfest of bareback one night stands, deadbeat dads and wayward offspring. Add to that the fact that Ren really does look nothing like his parents and you’ve got to wonder. Maybe Leia, hopped up to the eyeballs on crystal meth, did make the beast with two backs with Admiral Ackbar?”

    You’ve got to wonder that about Leia, Turd? Of course you do.

  • May i ask, what you think i could help you with?

  • Basically, someone who is really honest in his geekdom but not being polluted by nostalgia or at least a desire to capitalize on it. Someone who helps the making of movies because he/she truly loves cinema. Basically, a geek version of Arnon Milchan or Art Linson.

    .

  • Gerardo Perez Fonseca

    By far, the best review out there, even from larger media, all the points accurate, it could do without the name calling, but nonetheless, amazing.

  • Gerardo Perez Fonseca

    I’m willing to give the next ones a chanve, but if they come up with this shit, I’ll fucking burn every post EIII Star Wars thing I might come to own.

  • Maps5
  • Maps5

    lol festooned…well…..at least you didn’t defend the film

  • KilliK

    input.

  • Indrid Cold

    ” The potential for Padme as a Disney Princess, with tons of accessories and costumes, would be enough to refute that notion alone.”

    LMFAO!!!!

    Is this a comedy site? This shit is hilarious.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    I’d be happy to defend the film. I enjoyed it. It’s far easier to tear something down.

  • Indrid Cold

    You will probably have to write it for him.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Thank you, sir. Appreciate it.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    *Cackle* This is really burning you up, isn’t it, lil’ fella?

    You and your fellow creepy plant should return to that den of mindless JJ/TFA sycophants, AICN. We don’t worship Cock Nose around these parts; we tell the truth about him and his terrible movies.

  • Alright then.

  • Indrid Cold

    More like obsess about him nonstop and try to justify your senseless hatred, all the while trying to convince yourself that TFA was not a terrific movie. Which it was.

    JJ succeeded. I know it hurts, but all of this ridiculous propaganda you have created is just making you look like a dummy.

  • jrGOD

    Fantatic article. Found one spelling mistake. “how all seemed loss” believe you meant “lost”

  • How can anyone NOT succeed in making a commercial successful movie when the movie is called Star Wars? Anybody would had succeed, regardless of the story quality. It’s the brand name that brought people to the theaters.

  • Indrid Cold

    It’s the brand name that brought them there the FIRST time.. what about the second time, third, fourth..

  • KilliK

    you know, that might actually happen. I checked Von Sydow in imdb (didnt know he did voiceover for games, cool) and noticed that he will be in SW8 too. probably in a flashback. so having Han back in a flashback or some kind of a vision talking to his son, is not that far fetched.

  • It’s called STAR WARS. People are hooked on it like it’s junk. They would watch it on repeat even it if was a bad movie. Abrams is overstating his own importance, as he always does. But that’s natural since he wants to impose himself on the public. What’s sad is people falling for it wholesome.

  • corrected it, thanks

  • my bad, corrected the mistake

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    While we’re correcting typos, can you change “I though Ford” to “I thought Ford” in paragraph 8, and, in the same paragraph, add a colon after “sequel to Return of the Jedi” instead of a period?

    Question: Can I effect edits myself after publishing an article, or is the piece then locked and in the hands of the mods?

  • that’s embarrassing, I don’t even know… try and come back to me otherwise. Sorry that was a bit of a sloppy job

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    No, man: it wasn’t your fault. I’m quite sure the errors were on my side of things before I submitted the piece. One always tries to proofread writing as thoroughly as possible, but a few things always slip by.

  • yeah but I was the editor. wait a sec, I am in right now

  • themacabre

    A small point showing the differences between the original films and this one: the names of characters. Just compare these names:
    Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Darth Vader, Chewbacca, Lando Calrissian, Princes Leia
    with :
    Kylo Ren, Finn, Rey, Maz Kanata, Supreme Leader Snoke.
    Did Abrams invest more than two minutes developing these character names? What a joke.

  • okay, should be done

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Thanks a lot. 😉

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Agreed: the new character names are very monosyllabic and lack resonance.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Meaning you scuttled the entire steaming pile of turd filled gravy? One can only hope.

  • DukeCanuck

    No prob.

    I’m no conspiracy nut but something’s bizarre at how ‘blown away’ the critics are. Where the eff are the people with brains?

    And you read the reviews at IMDb and at least HALF are trashing TFA yet it’s rated 8.6 or something.

    Cheers.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    God, you are so ignorant it’s mind boggling.

  • Darth Doomcock

    I attribute it to IQ drops due to vaccines and mercury in the water. Standards are steadily declining. Anyone who can’t see that TFA is nothing but soulless corporate product should join a class action suit against the polluters that have diminished their mental capacities.

    Indrid Cold cause Indrid, him too dumb to put on long johns, to come in from winter rain. Poor Indrid.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Yeah, but to see it you would have to further allow this piece of shit to lodge in your brain, and acknowledge that Han actually died senselessly like that by reinforcing that horrid choice by buying yet another ticket.

    I urge everyone who sees what shit TFA was to do as I have done, and stop going back for more. Just stop. Trust me, it wasn’t hard, and I’m very glad I will never see it. There are SO MANY GREAT THINGS being made these days, it’s no sacrifice to skip something like this.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Yeah, his plot mostly makes sense, but I think that Anakin’s reaction is really pretty lame, the whole I have to save Padme shit), and how a guy named Darth Plagueus (not a nice healthy name) was able to generate life, that he’d believe it, etc…that was the dicey angle to me. I mean, Darth Tyrannus, Darth Plagueus, Darth Maul…you can’t really be sucked into thinking these guys have your best interests at heart, can you?

    Course at this moment I’m surprised I can type much less reason, as I have been drinking moonshine. So I’m not sure if I actually communicated anything here. Never mind. I take it all back. :=6

  • Maps5

    Not in this case.

  • Maps5

    The fact that the film has 96% at RT and you can still make this argument makes me thing you are either a shill or are a Zack Snyder apologist.

  • Indrid Cold

    Ah.. yes. I see you are resorting to the ‘ol faithful of unoriginal retorts!! If I loved TFA, I MUST be stupid! Bravo on such a bold stance!! I’m sorry that you are too much of an unimaginative twit to not be able to enjoy the film. TFA is anything but soulless. it has more heart than any of the prequels combined. But I wish you well.. I am happy that you have found this comfy little oasis of like minded individuals that you can share your delusion with. Here’s hoping that you find some good taste in 2016, and maybe even start thinking for yourself.

  • Indrid Cold

    I don’t know.. did any of the prequels get this type of repeat business? No.. I know The Phantom Menace did for a short while after the films release, but nothing like this. I understand that the prequels were still financially successful films, but they weren’t a transcendent film experience like TFA thus far has proven to be. I’ll agree that most things that say “Star Wars” on them will make some money, but if there wasn’t something else going on besides the familiar branding there is no way it would be getting the repeat business that it is. People are going back to see it because they just honestly enjoyed the hell out of the movie. I am one such person.

  • The only exception is Captain Phasma, which does sound like an old SW name. The rest, not so much.

  • God? No, Asi suffices.

  • “did any of the prequels get this type of repeat business”

    Dude, are you kidding? The movies made a lot of bank. The first film was so sucesseful that it came as a huge surprise to Lucas that the movie was not very well liked, something he would had not guessed just by looking at the box office numbers alone.

    And if you think that all it takes is a movie like TFa to be a transcendenal experience, then… i don’t know man, but it seems it sets the bar very low.

  • Indrid Cold

    I know that the prequels were successful.. but I don’t remember anyone saying that they had seen Attack of the Clones four or five times in the theater. They were successful, but not nearly as successful as TFA is considered to be.

    I loved the movie. I honestly do feel bad for people that didn’t.. not in a condescending “oh, you just don’t get it” kind of way.. more like I’m sorry that they did’t get to have the wonderful movie experience that I did.

  • The movie bemused me. I sure got a few good laughs out of it.
    Another thing i find amusing about the reactions, the positive reactions, is they are making excuses and accepting what in other movies would be motive for a negative opinion, namely, the reuse of plot points and notorious lack of any originality. By far this has been the thing that the people who liked the movie has been called on, as everybody that liked this movie has complained about lack of originality of other movies before.

  • Don’t speak ill of vaccines, i would be dead if it wasn’t for them.
    As for mercury in water, only if you live near a mine.
    Nah, the dumbing down you mention above has a lot to do with the lax of education standards and self-indulgency on many modern people who think their opinions are magical and worthy of respect as much as Nobel Prize winners.
    Also, there is this recent phenomenom going on where people take a complacent view that entertaiment and dumb are sinonimous and the be expected,and where the executives talk has become geek standard as well.

  • Indrid Cold

    I don’t make excuses, I like what I like.. in talking about the lack of originality I have pondered the fine line that must be walked with some of the more successful film franchises. If you steer too far away from the tropes and themes that are iconic to that particular franchise people criticize it for not feeling like the other films that came before it. If you make any effort to have your film feel like the previous iconic works the criticism is that you lack originality and imagination. You can’t make everyone happy in this regard. The best thing that TFA gets right is that it feels like Star Wars. The feeling that I had walking out of the theater is EXACTLY the feeling I wanted to have when I walked out from The Phantom Menace… instead of the pit I had in my stomach.

    Also, I would say that the people, like myself, who have complained about the lack of originality of other movies did so when that movie borrowed from other movies NOT in it’s own franchise. Some might call bullshit on that, but I think there is something to it. Avatar borrowed from Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, ect.. but it stood out like a sore thumb because those themes did not originate with a film in it’s franchise. They originated elsewhere, in movies that were completely unrelated to it. On the other end of the spectrum you have films like Star Wars, Rocky, ect.. fims that gave birth or at least popularized certain themes and tropes. You can’t have a Rocky movie if the protagonist isn’t an underdog, if there isn’t a training montage of some sort, ect. But you feel like those things belong to that franchise so it doesn’t feel “unoriginal”. However if they were in any other movie it would feel like a direct rip.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is Star Wars gets a pass with me for reusing certain themes because they are themes I identify belonging to the Star War universe. I mean was TFA any more unoriginal than ROTJ? I don’t believe so.. and ROTJ is probably my favorite Star Wars movie.

  • What is this feel of SW everybody isnow talking about? Repeating what went before on the OT only? How about evolving the Sw universe? How about having each trology have it’s own mood, atmosphere and style? Or else what is Sw reduced to, mere repetition? Is that what you SW fans want, mere repetition? Because it sure looks that way.
    Sw doesn’t get any pass over any other franchise in existence.
    And ROTJ, that was a repetition of SW’77. But in hindsight, it now looks restrained compared to the copy-and-paste job of King Jeffrey The High Lord Of All Geeks.

  • Indrid Cold

    I want them to evolve the SW universe, and I’m certain that they shall. But for me.. TFA was exactly what I wanted it to be exactly because the prequels were so disappointing on nearly every level. I’m glad they started this new trilogy out with a film that reminded us why we loved Star Wars to begin with. Now that THAT is out of the way, they can make movies that push the envelope a little more creatively.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Your post makes no sense whatsoever.

  • If you want to evolve the SW universe, a movie like TFA is not the way. but what you are saying wioth both the commercial sucess and the positive opinions of that movie is that what you want is REPETITION and nothing but repetition. This is the message that Disney is getting, and they have excellent reasons to come to that conclusion.

    So, what you really have to ask yourself, you and all the people who liked TFA, is what do you really want for SW: evolution or repetition. you cannot have both. there are no free lunches. So ask yourselves what you realy want.

    And if you ask me, and after reading all the complain about the prequels, the real issue of the matter was that they were not like OT, they were supposedly bad because they didn’t repeat OT, they were exactly like the OT. In that regard, it’s kinda understadable, though not excusable, that TFA is nothing but a mere repetition copy-and-paste job of the OT.

    If you ask me, the fans are not getting the SW they need but the SW they want. That’s not necessarily a good thing. But it’s your franchise, so you will reap what you sow. Just remember, if years from now you will lament the francise became stagnant, remember what you all said in support of TFA and the precedent you helped create. There are no free lunches.

  • Indrid Cold

    You have NEVER heard complains about the prequels that elaborated on why people didn’t like them outside of them not being the OT? Really? Terrible dialogue, wooden acting, too much space politics talk, embarrassing characters, the worst romance ever scripted… these are the reasons people hate the prequels. And they are all valid.

  • Frimmel

    It was pretty coherent to me. I think though that your problem with basically the opera house scene is the larger execution failing of the prequels to really let us know how easily Anakin is able to use The Force. It is one of the things Lucas was probably trying to lay the foundation for with the midichlorians.

    Using The Force is work. All sorts of things are possible but there is a price to be paid. More midichlorians: more power for less work. That is fairly fundamental story-telling aspect/recommendation for “magic.” It has a price. Lucas was trying to flesh that out but audiences went batshit over the midichlorians and like Darth Jar Jar it was abandoned.

    I think Anakin needed to be shown easily doing exercise like battling remotes first try while the other students couldn’t. We needed shown that Anakin’s powers grew without him learning discipline. We see a bit with the romantic section with him moving Padme’s food around and when she’s packing and he’s agitated and pacing like a caged animal and he’s idly force juggling one of her nick-knacks.

    There needed to be much more background story of Anakin’s training and contrasting his force talents with those of the other padawans and Jedi Knights laying the foundations for Anakin’s resentment of Obi-wan. Anakin’s ease leads to him not learning the discipline and patience of an Obi-wan or Qui-gon.

    One of the things Clone Wars animated does really well is show how quick a temper Anakin has and how they have very different ways of approaching problems.

    There also needed to be much more made of Anakin’s force visions coming true more often than not which would really have driven home is panic over visions of losing Padme. As it is he just took bad advice from the villain and ignored the good advice from Yoda instead of it being presented as starkly clear to Anakin he was going to lose her.

    So if you take all that and we get a much more arrogant Anakin. An Anakin much more inclined to believe you can create life through The Force.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Let’s see, there are 350,000 reviews of TFA on IMDB and you’ve read half of them? Sure you have. Stop talking out of your ass, moron.

  • No, they are a few of the reasons some hate the prequels. And among those too is one of the top major reason: it’s not the same as OT.
    And frankly, some of the reasons they use to bash the prequels could be used to the OT as well, so it all feels to me to be more like the prequels have to be hated and any reason will do and the OT have to be beloved and anything will do. And as i can see from the positive reactions to TFA, the same applied to the OT applies to that movie too.
    But the real crux of the matter is the mammoth in the living room: what do the fans want? And the answer to that question is quite clear: you want the same and same that already existed. Because this is the lesson that Disney will take and rightly so from your reaction to TFA. More of the same, repetition, repetition, repetition. I hope that’s what you truly want for SW, because that’s the message you age giving, you and all the people who loved the movie. Nothing but repetition.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Basic grammar, spelling, syntax, etc. Killik has yet to master the five paragraph essay. It’s all Greek to him.

  • Frimmel

    Compare TFA to Terminator:Genysys. One was savaged unmercifully the other is breaking box office records.

  • Frimmel

    Everyone bags on the romance but basically you have a seventeen year old boy brought up by monks on a romantic getaway with the older woman of his dreams as his first date ever. How is that going to be anything but awkward?

    Yes the whole thing is forced in the first place but the actual parts where they showed the romance always had a ring of truth to them. It is easy for me to see what Lucas was going for there.

    And come on. Natalie Portman in that backless dress in the sun next to that beautiful lake? Maybe I don’t mind because I’m always playing my own little love scene in my head there.

  • maralatho

    How hard was it for you to write “I enjoyed it” compared to Turd’s articulate manifesto of rage?

  • Indrid Cold

    “But the real crux of the matter is the mammoth in the living room: what do the fans want? And the answer to that question is quite clear: you want the same and same that already existed. ”

    I never said that. I said I wanted a SW movie that felt like Star Wars. TFA feels like Star Wars. The Empire Strikes Back, which is probably the most different in terms of structure from the rest of the OT, feels like Star Wars. Return of the Jedi, which is similar to ANH, feels like Star Wars.

    The prequels do not feel like Star Wars. The prequels feel like they were made for TV movies intended for the SyFy Channel.

  • Indrid Cold

    It’s hard to fault your impulses regarding Natalie in a backless dress. You will get no argument from me there.

  • maralatho

    I do not think that 96% (now down to 93%) means what you think it means. It’s not a measure of the movie’s creative merits, with 100% being perfect. It’s simply the percentage of reviewers who “enjoyed” the movie, with most agreeing that it was an unimaginative reboot disguised as a sequel.

  • maralatho

    Don’t feel bad for them. They likely have had many wonderful movie experiences which fans of “The Force Awakens” will never know.

  • Toruk_Makto

    Correct. You’re basically talking about Vulcans with laserswords. Anikan was stepping way off the between path trying to put the moves on Padme. Rico Suave he was never meant to be.

    Though perhaps that would have appeased the masses. Anikan should have used idiotic modern speech and slang like the new film and used The Force to take her clothes off.

    “Jedi represent…I’m bout to force strip this ho”.

    Perhaps that would have made him the ‘coolest character ever’.

  • Indrid Cold

    in a Paul Reubens sort of way?

  • maralatho

    Fair enough, but the Starkiller is more than just a recycled theme. With my profound cynicism I was able to guess nearly everything that happened in “The Force Awakens” — some of it the day the movie was first announced — but even I wasn’t cynical enough to guess that they’d be so shameless as to have a third Death Star.

  • Indrid Cold

    Honest question to the TFA hate brigade: How much of your opinion has been influenced by the fact that JJ Abrams is the director of this movie? If JJ was not the director, would you have the same level of disdain for it?

  • Maps4

    Lawyer #1: When did you stop beating JJ Abrams?
    Lawyer #2: Objection! Prejudicial!

  • Indrid Cold

    The Starkiller was a bit lame and I understand the criticism about it. Please note, I do not believe that TFA is a perfect movie. But I am able to love a movie that is not perfect as long as it succeeds on certain levels.

  • Maps4

    You’re really cutting too close to the bone here. It’s just not a good movie plain and simple.

  • Toruk_Makto

    I agree. Anakin’s power definitely should have been made more evident. The Midichlorian backlash really bugs the shit out me. I wish George delved further into what they are and what the implications having so many of them entailed.

    We know that Anakin was arrogant but it would have been really awesome for the reason for that arrogance to made clear.

    Raistlin Majere is one of my favourite characters of all time. A classic example of someone being seduced by power. In many ways I liken Anakin’s path with his though I wish it was orchestrated better.

    Anakin still carried the baggage of leaving his mother behind. Couple that with his visions; His immense power; His feeling of being undercut by the Jedi order not to mention the persistent manipulation by Palpatine and you could have had a real solid case for someone switching sides. Oh well, you can’t change the past.

    Oddly enough..back before I saw Revenge of the Sith I listened to an audio play/book that did an awesome job of showing his turn to the darkside. I have to try to tract that thing down.

  • maralatho

    “Jedi” was packed with creativity, that second Death Star notwithstanding.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    You call that scatological screed articulate? Turd has so many sexual hang ups that even Freud couldn’t identify them all. He is so insanely jealous of Abrams that he resorts to bullying him like a teenager. It’s pathetic.

    But why don’t you tell us the story you’d tell as a follow up to ROTJ? Don’t tell us why you don’t like TFA. Tell us the story you’d tell.

  • Maps4

    What about Count Dooku? Oh…..wait…

  • Maps4

    Yeah……………………….

  • Maps4
  • Maps4

    That is some deep space logic, sir. Certainly the entire purpose of RT is to measure a movie’s “creative merits” as you call them. Pretty much that’s the entire point of the site? I feel like I’m in El Topo or something….

  • Frimmel

    I always think more Shaolin monks with laserswords but yes he is absolutely off the beaten path. He even explains the beaten path on the transport and how he’s rationalizing his feelings for her.

    He says that attachment is forbidden so I’d amend Yoda’s “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering” with “Attachment leads to fear.”

    I think the childhood dream the prequels killed for folks is that you could be Han Solo Jedi Knight.

  • Toruk_Makto

    “I think the childhood dream the prequels killed for folks is that you could be Han Solo Jedi Knight.”

    When it’s all said and done I believe this coupled with some religious associations is the true reason for most of the prequel hate.

    And it’s probably why the movies didn’t bother me nearly as much as some. I never held such misconceptions about the original films.

  • Frimmel

    You’d also get a clearer differentiation between pulling your force powers from the dark side or the light side with more elaboration. The other thing with showing his power is there is then an eloquent illustration of how power corrupts/can corrupt.

    I like your comparison with Raistlin.

  • Frimmel

    I just realized. In the Rebels animated series, Kanan is Jedi Han Solo.

  • Maps4

    Well they banned me from the Dojo…I was just posting Alien 3 soundtrack songs…

  • Maps4

    I’m just going to red card myself from this whole….display….later ballers

  • Maps4

  • Toruk_Makto

    I haven’t really seen/read anything outside of the films. A few episodes of clone wars but that’s it. I like Star Wars but not as much as other series.

    Does this rebel series play it fast and loose with established rules or is this Kanan character just a charismatic force user?

  • Indrid Cold

    Poe Dameron is pretty good.

  • Yeah, i can buy that, his name works.

  • What? You’re not a fan of Marquis De Sade?

  • And yet both repeat the hallowed previous movies.
    Really, the combined effect of the cult of personality that Abrams enjoys and the name of Sw makes people be very forgiving of things they absolutely wouldn’t in other movies. This is how it is. and i don’t like it one bit. Makes me have a lesser and lesser opinion of both SW and it’s fandom.

  • Frimmel

    It doesn’t play fast and loose but Kanan is fairly charismatic. The sort of intro previews and what have you imply a romance between Kanan and the Twi’lek captain of the ship but that wasn’t front and center in the first season (I haven’t seen any of the second/current season.)

    With the arrival of Ezra (the kid) Kanan sort of “grows up” a bit himself. But before then the only thing keeping him from being Jedi Han Solo is he isn’t captain of the ship and he’s hiding his force powers.

    Another thing. Kanan did have Jedi training at the temple but when he goes up against the Inquisitor in a saber duel he more or less gets his ass handed to him. The Inquisitor knows what Kanan is going to do before Kanan does.

  • Feel, feel, feel! Nothing more than feelings! This ephemeral thing that means everything and means nothing!
    All that talk about the prequels not feeling like SW is hogwash!! The reasons you SW fans don’t like the prequels is because they are not exactly like the OT and all the rest is window dressing. TFA repeats OT and that’s why you Sw fanboys loved it. That’s the thing. Might as well have the courtesy to admit as much, at least that honesty would appreciated.

  • But what about those who don’t hate it, who just find the whole thing a huge mountain of lame? How about those? It’s not fair to discriminate!

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    The ramblings of an insane rapist and pederast don’t do much for me. Perhaps they appeal to you.

  • Indrid Cold

    I have no reason to lie to you.. I kind of resent the notion. I didn’t want the prequels to be the OT.. I just wanted them to be good. At all. On any level.

  • To this day many think that was slander done to him. Don’t just repeat the vox populi, look deeper.

  • Indrid Cold

    The people in that category can feel free to answer as well.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Slander? The man tied a 14 year old child up and raped her repeatedly. Learn your history.

  • But what prevent us from being included in the haters cathegory? We want garantees.

  • In the 18th century, 14 was adult to both men and women. Also, the accusation layed on him were wholesome made by his enemies, powerful people who commanded the courts to their will. France back then was anything but a democratic state with independent judiciary systems. He was arrested on dubious charges because he stepped on some precious’s calluses of highers ups, people whose crimes were as bad as the ones they accused Sade of. Don’t repeat the vox populi, look deeper.
    Next, you will say that a quantum leap means a great change.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Spare me the revisionism. We get the word sadist from him for a reason.

  • Indrid Cold

    so you DON’T hate JJ?

  • Honestly, i don’t. The only filmmaker i hate is Michael Bay. For Jeffrey i’ve despise, disrespect and disgust. Not the same thing.
    I think i have said too much about this movie already in here. I have a review to write (anytime soon…. anytime… soon… sometime) and i need to keep this closer to my chest then i have done already. Sorry about that. don’t take that as disrespect, i just need to keep this closer to my chest for now.
    But i’ll say this: TFA could had only be a Jeffrey movie. Only him!

  • Frimmel

    I said this before with regards to Trek ’09. The problem isn’t that folks like it. It is that they don’t seem to know it is bad and why others say it is bad.

    I personally enjoyed Terminator:Genysys and thought the callbacks were fairly well done and organic and didn’t think it was nearly the mess folks want to paint it as. But do appreciate the problems with it (Jai Courtney and generally cutting the balls off the character no matter who else might have played it) and the issues other have. But I’ll be darned if I call it a “good movie.”

    But that begs another discussion about the difference between liking something and whether that something is good and has creative merit and what you’re getting at about something being forgiven because of its franchise (or being condemed because it doesn’t meet someones notion of the franchise.) It seems more and more these days (how much of this is the internet and just seeing more opinions?) that I’m not seeing the same movie as other people.

    Not so much with things that get Oscar nominations or that holds up over time. But with the other stuff. There is some deeper cultural issue here more than just kids not getting good teaching about artistic merit.

  • Yes, it’s caled ignorance. Same reason the word machiavellian exists too.

  • Toruk_Makto

    Do they say how long he trained at the temple?

  • Indrid Cold

    I look forward to your review.

  • Frimmel

    I don’t think they said when he entered the temple but he was an adolescent (14-16) when he escaped Order 66. Pretty sure he doesn’t say a specific age. It was a cursory flashback.

    I was pleasantly surprised by the show. The set-up seemed really by the numbers and with all the ticks on the SJW checklist except the hero is allowed to be a boy so they can sell toys. I wasn’t that interested but when I heard that Ashoka from Clone Wars (and they were sending in Vader after the crew) was going to be in it I checked it out.

    It is a bit lighter than Clone Wars but a decent bit of fun. It made for some fun Saturday mornings watching “cartoons.”

  • Toruk_Makto

    This is one of the primary reasons I’ve always shat on the notion of remakes, reboots, etc. Because it sets a bad precedence. I truly don’t understand why people don’t think about the future when crap like that goes down.

    We’ve had so many shit remakes and reboots that it has become commonplace so naturally people barely blink when they pull the same shit with Star Wars.

    Say what you want about it never being ‘high art’ but Star Wars was supposed to be one of the good ones. Now it’s just as shitty as Transformers or GI Joe. Hell, shittier…I’ll probably re-watch one of the other movies when I’m bored. And I hate those movies.

    This pathetic and lame Clone of a better movie is worse than bad…it completely barren. There really isn’t any reason for me to watch it. Ever. Again.

    I can’t say that any other Star Wars movie.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Oh please. Read up on conquests by criminal virtue in The Prince before you shed any more crocodile tears over the etymology of Machiavellian.

  • Toruk_Makto

    It’s odd. This films supporters..take this guy:

    “Even though TFA is my favorite, if not, a close second or third favorite Star Wars movie to date, you’re absolutely right about everything. All of it. I can accept the fact that nothing is explained, because we have episode 8 to hopefully come in and fill the gaps, but everything else
    from the staggering conveniences and contrivances in to story, to the shitty ass Deathstar 4.0 (Don’t forget, there was a Deathstar-like space station in Episode 1 they had to blow up, too), the Disnification of all the characters, running around acting like a bunch of assholes the entire movie, to the nonsensical physics of the sun harvesting.

    It’s a logically flawed movie that rips off its own source material, but it’s Star Wars and it’s not as boring as The Phantom Menace. That’s good enough for me to enjoy it. I don’t think a movie should be judged by its logical fallacies, but its ability to entertain. And it’s a fun movie to watch. I just wish it didn’t fuck up the canon so much.”

    So basically for this guy as long as the movie doesn’t bore him he doesn’t really care how much sense it makes…or doesn’t make. TFA thumbs up (he also has a Bayformers Optimus prime avatar so this probably shouldn’t be too surprising)

    Another candidate:

    “yes it did have a lot of things taken from iv-vi but the casting was solid if not perfect. No Jar Jar Binks. Also your endless rage questions have two more movies to answer them”

    So we give this guy solid (but not perfect) casting and don’t include Jar Jar Binks and you have his money.

    Basically…We don’t mind a bad movie as long as:
    1) it isn’t like the prequels
    2) it’s more like the OT (i want to feel like I’m 7 again!)

    After years of conditioning from geeks telling people that is all that was needed. They got just what they asked for. And there lies the problem. They got just what they asked for.

  • That is very gracious of you. Thanks.

  • Who is the ignorant now? Get the real info not the pop version.

  • Damn right! This year alone i was blown my mind by SICARIO which provided rare thrills i rarely get in the movies this days. And that is just this year. Sicario makes TFA look like the mundane banality it is.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Have you read The Prince?

  • Toruk_Makto

    That scene on the parkway was classic film-making.

  • du365

    No, I haven’t read the Prince yet.

    However I recommend you read “Du365 gives rock hard oak wood to mother O’Keefe in the backseat: the Volkswagen story”.

    It’s a great autobiography and it captures very the essence of today’s fiends. It always brings a tear to my eyes when reading it.

  • Mountain Man

    Excellent analysis. I’ve heard it said that if George Lucas had made THE FORCE AWAKENS, it would have been blasted across the board as an unimaginative rehash from a filmmaker who is out of touch with the franchise. But since it’s Abrams, and since critics have spent the past decade ripping Lucas to shreds, it was inevitable that THE FORCE AWAKENS would be praised to the high heavens if only so those hacks in the press could validate their fervent criticisms of the prequels. Could any of them ever bring themselves to admit that Lucas actually knows how to tell a pretty good story, and that STAR WARS in the hands of a lesser director like Abrams serves to highlight Lucas’ subtle and underrated genius? Probably not.

  • Stalkeye

    To be honest, I was hoping that JJ would knock this out of the part and change my perception of his craft but alas, it really didn’t happen.

    The optimist in me thinks that ep 8 will be a much better Sw film while the pessimist sees the continuation as another cash crab for the empire known as Disney.

    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/08/c3/13/08c313bcf966cf8f4dfe358ae53698a4.jpg

    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/MOl4lUGIdJo/maxresdefault.jpg

  • Stalkeye

    Watch it there Buddy! My name is Jefe! 😛

  • Indrid Cold

    Thanks for the civil response. I personally believe that TFA is being used to recalibrate the mess that was caused by the prequels. It’s purpose is to take us back to the root of what made Star Wars great. It was a calculated business decision to wipe the slate clean. Now that it’s been done, I think that episode VIII is going to have some more freedom creatively.

  • “… if George Lucas had made THE FORCE AWAKENS, it would have been blasted across the board as an unimaginative rehash from a filmmaker who is out of touch with the franchise. But since it’s Abrams, and since critics have spent the past decade ripping Lucas to shreds, it was inevitable that THE FORCE AWAKENS would be praised to the high heavens…”

    I fully believe this as well. This movie exactly as it is made by somebody other then Abrams (including Lucas) it would had been trashed to kingdom come. There is a cult of personality going on about Abrams and it’s ridiculous to believe otherwise.

  • Here is my honest answer: Yes. But assuming there is a director who never made a movie that you liked and has a particular style you abhor for certain reasons, would you not be wary of his new effort?
    I still give the movie a fair chance. For example, I did not like a single Zack Snyder movie until I saw “Man of Steel”, which I really dig (I know, I am one of the few). But TFA shows all the trademark for which I dislike JJ’s body of work. Fool me once… It’s not always unfair to have a preconception, as long as you can rate the movie on its own in the end. But honestly, after a number of failures (at least in my eyes) the artist has to fight for the goodwill of the audience and it’s not the audience who has to bring up the goodwill. It’s of course subjective and everybody has a different artist he/she can’t stand but you get my drift.

  • El Jefe? Mas persupuesto no es el coño!

  • Well, Ep8 will be written and directed by Rian Johnson and he’s talented, so, after TFA, the only way is up.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Whenever you meet women, they all laugh at you and point at your crotch, for there lurks the world’s smallest micropenis.

  • Indrid Cold

    Thanks for your honesty. I didn’t really have an opinion one way or another regarding Abrams going in, although I was cognizant of how he was perceived on certain sites such as this (pickles, cock nose, ect.) I was never a big Star Trek fan and I’m fairly certain that most of the hate that he gets is a direct result of what he did with those films. And hey.. I get that. If I felt like he did Star Wars a great disservice that was going to take the franchise years to recover from, I’d probably hate on the guy too.

    ewwww..Man of Steel? ::shudders:: ;P

  • haha, fair enough

  • du365

    Yeah that was chapter 1 when I first plowed Mother O’Keefe at the tender age of 8. I was still developing.

  • The whole movie is classic filmmaking. Some movies are instant classics and Sicario is one is one such.
    Movies like Sicario remind me why i love cinema and justified my love for that art, despite the many disappointments.

  • Stalkeye

    No soy un coño, sólo un maldito hijo de puta! (X

  • haste mirado Orcito Del Coño?

  • Toruk_Makto

    I personally love it when people walk around thinking they know more about a creation than the person who created it.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    What is the reason that you go after every poster with silly insults about having sex with their mothers? You’re like a broken record. Get some new material, son.

  • Frimmel

    Yet he ripped the prequels despite those also being “Star Wars.”

    I’d give it shorter than it’s taken for the Marvel fatigue to set in for Star Wars to carry no weight. I guess it depends on how much of a cynical cash grab the next slate of releases turns out to be. But they’ve got at least one film a year on the slate for the next four (five?) years.

    I have no expectation that “Rogue One” will be other than a generic shaky-cam action movie.

  • ErnestRister

    I did the Star Wars marathon and after watching all seven films in a row (which was brutal, I’ll never try to do something like that again), I came to the following conclusions…Mr. Lucas over the years found himself taking this story — which he described in 1977 as a Disney film — very, very seriously, so when he hit the Prequels, and tried to inject levity into them, the attempts at comedy created a tonal dissonance. It’s like The Godfather Part II smashed up into Roger Rabbit. The original films seemed to know they were mass market entertainment created to entertain. That’s why people loved them. The Prequels seemed to think they were John Huston re-telling The Old Testament, so when the attempts at comedy hit, they knocked you out of the film and confused people…like Jar-Jar showing up in the story of Abraham or Oedipus Rex. What Star Wars Seven got right was returning to the mass market fun entertainment. Just my two cents.

  • Indrid Cold

    Was the TV guide your only reading material until now?

  • Toruk_Makto

    Most people bark out phrases because they think that’s what they are supposed to do. Oh yeah, and uh prequels suck! You know because..um talking…and uh…politics. What’s that stuff doing in a Star Wars movie??

    But yeah…Rogue One’s not even on my radar so I can tell after this my interest in the series will wane drastically.

    One day I will look up and see a Star Wars advertisement and have to ask someone ‘what’s this one about?’ The funny part will be the person I ask will probably respond:

    “Who knows….who cares…most of em suck these days anyway.”

  • du365

    I wasn’t going after you….you asked Asimov if he read the Prince, I read your comment and said that I haven’t read it but recommended that you read “Du365 gives rock hard oak wood to mother O’Keefe in the backseat: the Volkswagen story”.

    We’re just talking about reading books here, that’s all “son”.

  • Jamill Payne

    I think what this movie has and what the prequels lack and what seem to resonate with people is the focus on creating likable character. The OT story is simpistic but you really love Luke, Han, and Liea. And people really seem to love Rey, Finn and Poe Dammeron to a lesser extent. Plus you have to give consideration to the fact that most people consider the prequels to be abismal. So anything better than thoes was going to get heaps of love proured on it.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    There is nothing funny, witty, or cutting in any of your posts.

  • Zed

    Yes. In fact, because of his involvement I enjoyed the movie a little more than I would have otherwise. I expected Star Wars Into Darkness, but got Star Wars Impossible 3 instead.

  • du365

    ?????

    Who being funny, witty or cute? We are talking about reading books.

  • Parts, yes, i have the thing. Better yet, it has commentaries in it, which explains the context of the often misquoted quotes of his. Yeah.

  • I do not trust the opinion of people who think the prequels, all of them, are abismal. I don’t fight for The Phantom Menace, yet anybody who thinks there’s nothing good in it is a mere OT gusher.
    And i found young Kenobi to be a very likable character.
    I liked Daisy Ridley’s work in the movie, not to such if her character deserves the same praise. but she acted the shit out of that character. Everybody else are mere shadows in that movie.

  • Frimmel

    That was one of the best jokes in “Back to School.” He gets Vonnegut (who cameos) to write his paper on Vonnegut and she fails him not just because he didn’t write it but because the writer didn’t know anything about Vonnegut.

  • Toruk_Makto

    Heh…that is pretty funny. Been awhile since I’ve seen that.

    But it really does blow me away. I mean, you’re George Lucas and some guy comes up to you:
    ‘Look George, I think you forgot what Star Wars is about…”.
    The man must have super-human restraint. I would have been in jail a long time ago if some yahoo did that to me.

  • Frimmel

    It is practically a reflex action at this point to say “Prequels, suck.”
    Thing is that my interest in Star Wars is going through one of the occasional high points right now despite having skipped this because JJ has apparently justified every cynical thought I had about this.
    I picked up a new Vader comics story, I’ve been looking to get all the Rouge Squadron EU novels that I’d never read and I’ve been enjoying the heck out of the Armada game.
    But then the prequels never made me hate Star Wars or feel that my childhood at been raped. My only qualm with The Special Editions was Han not shooting first

  • Toruk_Makto

    I actually decided to throw on another episode of the clone wars a few minutes ago. Figured I’d give it another go.

    Haven’t touched the EU yet…but from what I hear they are about a zillion times more creative than anything Abrams could come up with. Shame.

  • Frimmel

    The EU has its good and its bad. I’ve yet to find, even among the stuff I didn’t care for anything utterly incompetent. If you’re inclined your best course of action would be to borrow from a friend or the library a copy of “Heir to The Empire” by Timothy Zahn if you’re not inclined to drop eight bucks or whatever on a paperback. Go from there.
    Clone Wars takes about half to three-quarters of the first season to find its feet but from there it is pretty consistently decent in my opinion. It is on Netflix. If you’re inclined to skip ahead I’d go to season four for the Umbara arc starting with episode seven. You’ll never see Dex from Attack of The Clones the same way again.
    If you’re a fan of Lee Van Cleef in “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” seek out anything with Cad Bane.

  • That’s not exactly a good thing. MI3 was such a joke i was rooting for the villain to win.

  • Darth Doomcock

    A-fucking-men!

  • Darth Doomcock

    That is a fascinating take on it. I think you’re quite right.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Hey all, just a quick note to say I posted my article about those prequel reboot scripts, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable keeping them posted on my Google drive indefinitely (Orcus made a point that made me think about that a bit), so I’m saying if you want to grab the scripts, best to do it soon, I’m not sure how long I’m going to keep them up.

    That said, I have one thing that is REALLY PISSING ME OFF. Now whenever I wear anything Star Wars, or mention Star Wars (as is my wont, as I am a geek), people ask me “ohhh, have you seen the new movie”? And I can’t let that go, I just can’t, and so I have to explain why I won’t see it, and why it’s a fraud, and it’s just fucking irritating. And it’s really more info than they wanted for such a casual question, but I just can’t stop. I just can’t. I’m like the Rain Man of TFA hate.

    (rocking back and forth): “Yeahhh, Kylo Ren, bargain basement Vader, Mary Sue, Mary Sue, Luke with tits, yeahhhh…”

    Disney and Abrams have fucked Star Wars fans real good. Even though TFA does not exist in my dojo, my dojo is surrounded by brainwashed zombies. Doomcock is displeased.

  • phantomcreeps .

    I liked your article, but The Force Awakens was good.

    It was.

  • phantomcreeps .

    Calm down, friend.

  • phantomcreeps .

    Why would I care about prequel reboot scripts?

    You are worried about posting them?

    Am I missing something?

  • Scott Carroll

    The problem is that most of the critics are over 40. This is the first Hollywood blockbuster I’ve ever seen in which the critic rating is higher than the audience rating. Usually it’s the other way round. The reason is that critics are older, guys who grew up watching the original trilogy as kids or young adults. As such they’re viewing it through the prism of feel-good nostalgia.

    The general audience, however, is a mix of all ages. It includes a lot of people under 30 who have no nostalgic ties to the original trilogy at all. I think the 6.9 audience rating on Metacritic is probably a lot closer to the actual quality of TFA

  • Scott Carroll

    You nailed it in an absolutely epic way. I just want to amplify something that you touched on that really bothered me with TFA.

    I realize the filmmakers have to introduce a new set of young characters for a new generation, you can’t build a franchise on the backs of a trio of 60-somethings, but did they have to turn the old characters into cowards & deadbeat dads to do it?

    Leia is the only one still fighting the good fight. Han turned his back on his family to go wander the cosmos with Chewie and Luke decided to go live as a hermit while millions were being killed.
    Now the apologists will say, “well Luke was really sad about Ren and Han was mad because things didn’t work out with Leia.” That’s fine. They can be sad and mad but you can’t call them heroes anymore. Because the Luke and Han from the OT would have never turned their back like that no matter their personal troubles.

    I feel like JJ just shat all over the original characters in an attempt to bring us the new and improved. And people who loved the OT are cheering him wildly for doing it. Mystifying.

    My hope is that 30 years from now a new director comes in and takes JJ’s characters and shts all over them. Turns Poe into a guy going around the galaxy stealing ships to pay for his space-heroin. Finn becomes a general in the New, New Resistance skimming money off the top of their battle funds. And Rey…well Rey is perfect so she’s still fighting. But I hope JJ is around to see someone break all his toys.

  • phantomcreeps .

    DAMN, Sun!

  • phantomcreeps .

    That is a Wu-Tang Clan reference.

  • Toruk_Makto

    “Because the Luke and Han from the OT would have never turned their back like that no matter their personal troubles.”

    You’re damn right they wouldn’t.

    Had the film not been a sad facsimile of a better film in the series.
    Had the film not introduced a villain so pathetic my Aunt Sally could beat the shit out of him.
    Had the film not introduced language and modern comedic elements straight out of films like Bad Boys and The Golden Child.
    Had the film not been riddled with so many convenient plot devices my 7th grade English class would have laughed the writers out the fucking room.

    This disgusting betrayal of the classic characters would have been enough alone to break the deal.

    This isn’t Less Than Zero
    This isn’t St Elmos fuckin Fire.

    It’s Star Wars.

    Well, at least it used to be.

  • phantomcreeps .

    The golden child?

    That’s a fucking stretch.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Since I’m not sure about their copyright, that’s all. I was asked to post them so I did.

    As for calming down, no…I’m sick of corporations fucking with older REAL characters to make their new SHIT characters look better. So yeah, not really interested in letting that go.

  • Toruk_Makto

    Hardly.

    ““Do I talk first, do you talk first?”

    This shitty line could have seamlessly been passed between Chandler Jarrell & Sardo Numpsay

  • Stalkeye

  • “I’d say anybody who only knows one language only has no right to be haughty. You heard that, Jules? Now to walk the earth like a bum but first fetch me a sandwish.”

  • “But I hope JJ is around to see someone break all his toys.”

    I would love so much to be that guy! Sadly i’m not an early 20something with a future ahead of me but close to his age and settled into a mundane existence. Also, there’s the Atlantic Ocean as a natural barrier and not being born with means to content with.

  • You Sw guys are still lucky in that you will get a talented guy for the next movie. The Star Trek guys got Jeffrey again for the sequel and the 3rd is being made by the coke-snorter whohas been making the Fart And Furious movies. In the middle of all the bad luck you are still relatively previledged. It could had been so much worst for you guys.

  • Good compared to what? The bulbonic plague?

  • Have you tried stakes in their heart?

  • It’s rightful wrath.

  • In what way can’t the prequels not be considered market fun entertainment? You make them sound like Lucas did a remake of The Seven Seal x 3! (which as art movies goes it’s extremely acessible)

  • That seems like a repeat of a similiar joke that Woody Allen did in Annie Hall concerning Noam Chumsky (if memory serves).

  • phantomcreeps .

    Drunk?

  • phantomcreeps .

    Every English veritable statement, you have ever uttered.

  • phantomcreeps .

    Shut the Fuck up.

  • Who? Jeffrey? Though being drunk would help explain his screenplay for TFA.

  • And how’s your Portuguese this days, may i ask?

  • “Fuck” is not a proper noun, so you don’t need to capitalize the first word.

  • Well, a sign he really got fed up dealing with the fans is that he sold LucasFilm and got rid of SW once and for all. What makes him so clever and worth of respect is that the way he got rid of a thorn on his side was to sell the franchise for a huge amount of money (which a huge chunk of it goes for charity) and profit points. Clever boy! In the end he has the last laugh.

  • ErnestRister

    OPENING SCRAWL
    “The Galaxy is in turmoil!”

    AUDIENCE
    Woo-hoo!

    SCRAWL CONTINUES
    “The taxation of Trade Routes is in dispute.”

    AUDIENCE
    (dead silence)

  • Frimmel

    You have to just leave it at, “I don’t care for this director’s films.” For your own sanity and stress levels. I know exactly where you’re coming from. But you can do it. Calmly and with a level even voice everything someone says reply to with some form of “I think this director makes bad movies.”

    Nothing else. Do not elaborate more than say, “I hated what he did to Star Trek so I didn’t go see this.” “I heard what they did to Han Solo” is good or “You’re okay with how Han Solo went down? Isn’t that as bad as how Kirk went?” (That’s really good with the guys you know hate “Generations” because of that.)

    Make them think about it. The ones whose mind you could change will get there on their own or come to you for a quieter discussion.

    You need to look at as an opportunity to coax people into seeing JJ for what he is. Ranting at them is not the way. I know it is hard. Believe me. I know it is hard. I’ve been doing it for going on six years now. Some of them will come around.

    Practice in the mirror, “I don’t care for that director’s films.” Calm. Level. Polite.

  • Toruk_Makto

    Buffy: Why don’t I just put a stake through her heart?

    Giles: She’s not a vampire.

    Buffy: Yeah, well, you’d be surprised how many things that’ll kill.

  • However, it was a trade dispute that started Palpatine’s rise, which has been established as far as 1977 when the novelization of Star Wars was written. So yeah!

  • DukeCanuck

    Actually, there are 2,700 reviews.

    Scrolling through a good sample size of them chronologically since the movie’s release seems half of them are negative.

    The 350,000 are just RATINGS.

    Umm, who’s the moron again?

    Thanks for playing.

  • ErnestRister

    Asi…the novelization claims Palpatine was nothing more than a puppet of industrial powers. Unless I’m remembering it wrong, I was six when that book came out.

  • Well, that’s what Palpatine wanted us the believe!! No, the novenalization is vague in that regard but does mention his raise to power was due to his manipulation of the senate and burocracy thanks to a trade dispute. Lucas created a cinematic representation of that in the prequels, so he stayed true to that.

  • Except Faith. You can’t kill Faith.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Excellent and therapeutic advice. That’s the tack I’ll take from now on. Thanks Frimmel!

  • Darth Doomcock

    Ha ha! That’s a bit how they make me feel, “you idiots! You’re part of the problem!” But I guess not everyone cares about movies as much as I do. I suppose most people just go to kill some time, eat some popcorn, and turn off their brains. As weird and alien as that concept is to me. 🙂

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    That’s not true at all, jackass. Learn how to read that website.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Scott Carroll above really nailed it for me, how astonishing it is to me that TFA fans actually are applauding how TFA shit all over the original characters. It’s just…do you people have any idea what just happened? What’re you, magpies? Going after anything shiny even if it’s a razor blade???

  • Darth Doomcock

    OUCH! A stinging rebuke indeed. I’m always amused by Americans who mock foreigners speaking English, but couldn’t speak a phrase in a foreign language to save their lives. The stupid smug arrogance of that is mind-blowing. Much respect to you for your comparatively excellent English Asi. Indeed, your vocabulary is FORMIDABLE. I am utterly ignorant of Portuguese and I bow to your excellence. I don’t have Facebook, but would be proud to have you as a friend if I did!!!!!

  • KilliK

    until he blocks you….

  • DukeCanuck

    LOL, whatever you say Dude.

    Star Wars: The Force Awakens
    (2015) 8.5/10 354,540

    Review this title
    |
    See all 2,971 user reviews

  • Darth Doomcock

    Interesting. I never read film novelizations, so I did not know that. I kind of like that consistency.

    Funny how TFA has increased my fondness for the prequels (though there are many things that I really can’t stomach). The Gungans, Jar Jar in that battle…Christ on a crutch! Both Jar Jar and Anakin effect massive victories by accident! Just horrible.

    In those scripts I posted (SPOILER), the incident that kicks everything off is when a hooded Jedi assassinates the leader of the Naboo democratic faction during the signing of a peace treaty. This event serves to continue and deepen the civil war on Naboo, that’s one aim realized. The second, more deeper aim, is the rampage is so bloody it shakes the Republic’s faith in the Jedi as an institution, and vividly shows just how powerful these Jedi are, how much destruction even one can inflict. And so Palpatine (the friend of the slain Senator) is given his seat in an interim appointment, and Palpatine introduces legislation to place the Jedi Order under the supervision of the Senate.

    I really like this idea, because it mirrors how false flag operations often precipitate wars, blaming one side of the evil actions of another side hungry for power. The whole Trade Federation dispute thing is an interesting idea, but I think it was too nuanced and inert to serve as a kick-off to the prequel trilogy.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Ha ha! Pwned! 😀

  • Darth Doomcock

    Humbly, I suggest that in your next trilogy, Rey is hiding out on an island having withdrawn from all the troubles of the universe, only (get this!) the island is bigger than the one Luke was on! And so it’s a BETTER island! Ha haaaaa, genius!

    And half of the map to find her is hidden in one droid, the other half is hidden in a second droid, and the other half is hidden in a toaster! Ha haaaa, genius! That’s 150% more half!!! Not at all like the sequel trilogy! Go Imagineers!

  • Darth Doomcock

    I would like to see someone not just break JJ’s toys, but to shove them up his ass, so that the X-Rays of these toys in a colon could be posted, like those X-Rays you see of dudes with Hot Wheels up their asses!

    I can hear it now: “Uh, I just sat on Kylo Ren by accident, and it, like, just went up there.”

    Of course, Jar Jar Abrams isn’t proud. He’d wait for Kylo to get shit out and turn it into another sequel…only when Kylo came out the butthole, it would be with farts of lens flares…

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Ok. My bad. I apologize. I thought all the stars had small little reviews behind them.

  • DukeCanuck

    😉

  • dochollerin

    I don’t think it was about giving us new and improved, it was just about subverting expectations. Anything you would expect to have happened was often the complete opposite. It got to a point it became absurd. Illogical things would occur just to attempt to surprise you.

  • Thanks, man. By the way, i sent you an email.

  • I had a thought: imagine a young kid who watched TFA first and then later watches AHN. What would he think?

  • I don’t understand the concept of turning the brain off while watching a movie because for me movies so the opposite, they engage my brain.

  • Sevastopol

    The Metacritic review score has only recently passed 4,000 votes. In comparison, hundreds of thousands of people have voted on RT and IMDB. The former isn’t even a sliver of how many people have ever seen the movie. The RT and IMDB scores in the coming months will be a better gauge.

  • Darth Doomcock

    That is a very, very sad thought Asi. The cynical part of me thinks the brain-damaged by vaccines, mercury and our current educational system would think TFA was better cause it was louder and dumber. The idealist thinks they would recognize shit and say “Wow…ANH was so much better”.

    Personally, I think any parent that would introduce his kids to Star Wars through TFA should be jailed for child abuse…

  • ErnestRister

    Marshall McCluhan.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Cool! I’ll write you back soon as I catch my breath…I’ve been busting my ass at work this week…arrgh…

  • Darth Doomcock

    KilliK, Asi, Turd, you guys all fucking rock. Seriously. As do most people on this site.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Precisely! Plus they’re art, and engage the soul as well. To treat films like “eh, good enough” time wasters IS the problem! People should demand entertainment that treats them with respect!

    TV these days is where it’s at. The best shit is for free every week on television…we’re living in a golden age.

  • On television, yes. I have watched more television this year then movies, which is kind of sad for a cinema lover like me. Though luckily some movies like Sicario still exists, but they are so far and between, while quality television is a tonne a minute.

  • Right, that’s him! Thanks.

  • Does her island move too?

  • Thanks. Here’s a “mil folhas” pastry from my country as thanks:

    http://www.docesregionais.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Mil-folhas-413×310.jpg

  • Dee

    Move? I don’t get the reference.

  • The island in Lost moved

  • Dee

    ah!

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    You were 6 in 1999? Meaning you’re 22 now?

    Or you’re referring to the original novelization, which carries no mention of Palpatine.

  • ErnestRister

    Alan Dean Foster. Star Wars: From the Adventures of Luke Skywalker.

    “The book has been published under several titles, first as Star Wars: From the Adventures of Luke Skywalker, later as simply Star Wars[citation needed], and most recently as Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, reflecting the re-titling of the film that occurred following the announcement that Lucas would film the Prequel Trilogy.”

    “The novelization bears a major difference in the form of a prologue explaining the backstory behind the film’s events. It is presented as an entry of the Journal of the Whills. This prologue contains the first-ever reference to the Emperor’s true name, Palpatine. The section dealing with Palpatine says, “Aided and abetted by restless, power-hungry individuals within the government, and the massive organs of commerce, the ambitious Senator Palpatine caused himself to be elected President of the Republic. He promised to reunite the disaffected among the people and to restore the remembered glory of the Republic. Once secure in office he declared himself Emperor, shutting himself away from the populace. Soon he was controlled by the very assistants and boot-lickers he had appointed to high office, and the cries of the people for justice did not reach his ears.” This implies that the Emperor is merely a victim of manipulation by Imperial bureaucrats rather than the true string-puller, which is at odds with Palpatine’s depiction in later films in the series. This is because George Lucas had not fully developed the character at this point in time, allowing Alan Dean Foster to expand upon the Emperor as he saw fit. Lucas’ conception of the character continued to evolve, until he eventually determined that Palpatine was Darth Vader’s master and the true personification of evil in The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.”

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    I’ve no recollection of Palpatine being in the novelization I read back in the late 70s.

  • ErnestRister

    There’s a brief prologue, Dennis, setting up the world, from “The Journal of the Whills”. Or something like that. It’s been a long time. I’m sure you can find the complete text on-line.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    I’ll take a look. Thank you.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Ha ha! Yes! Her island moves…along with my food, right back up my throat and all over the floor.

    You will not find another human being alive that hates Lost more than I do. I say that because I’m at the max hate a human can contain before fucking exploding like in Scanners. Some days I get close. It’s scary.

    Lost was, truly, Bad Robot’s ultimate abomination. At least STID only wasted two hours of my life.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Mmmm! Gracias! Wish I could actually taste it! Right now it tastes like…uh…well…monitor screen. But the sentiment is appreciated!!!!

  • Talk about small mercies!

  • Hummm… don’t mind me saying so, but “gracias” is spanish. In portuguese is “obrigado”. We are kind of peckish about it. Sure, we don’t expect foreigners to know this, and we don’t (too) badly for using spanish with us, but we also don’t waste an opportunity to correct either. Yeah! We got independent from them for a reason, you know? 😀

  • ErnestRister

    No worries, you’re welcome.

  • Darth Doomcock

    Actually, I just said gracias because I live in Texas and there’s lots of hispanics down here, so sometimes I just say that…I definitely know it’s not Portuguese, but I understand why you’d think that…I bet that’s a common mistake…but not one that Doomcock made in this case!

    My biggest mistake was watching Lost and believing there was a solution. I had some ideas of how it could’ve been fixed. Maybe I’ll write them up in an article one day (though really, that would necessitate going back and looking at Lost, which is an utterly painful and pointless thing to do, so ain’t happening. Never mind. I take it back.)

  • phantomcreeps .

    The Force Awakens was great.

    Shut the Fuck up.

    I read your article and love you.

    Eat rat Turds.

    Avatar is awesome.

    You suck.

  • What a waste of time…

  • Sagamanus

    I will have to read this after I see the film as it looks quite detailed. I’m probably going next week…or so.

  • Can’t really disagree with anything here. I’m not nearly as harsh on the faults and I can forgive some with “inferred explanations” but a movie such as this shouldn’t have to rely on that sort of thing to make sense. Meh.

  • southafricanguy

    Turd…..you nailed it. Exactly how I feel about it. It just annoyed me and left me utterly indifferent. I now know I have outgrown Star Wars and that I have zero interest in it going forward. It’s just not for me anymore given the direction they have chosen and the way they have chosen to turn SW into one big endless nostalgia blowjob that comes across as fan fiction.

  • southafricanguy

    it seems you had the exact same reaction to it as I did

  • southafricanguy

    100% I have never had string feelings about JJ one way or the other. Hell I even enjoyed Mi3, Super 8, and Star Trek 09…….though I didn’t like into darkness.

  • southafricanguy

    sign me up for one of the ones that just found it to be a huge mountain of lame

  • southafricanguy

    agreed. I speak English, Afrikaans (a kind of Dutch), Korean, and some Xhosa so I have no time or patience for any arrogant assholes who mocks anyone else’s language ability when they cannot speak another language to save their goddamn life.

  • southafricanguy

    and star wars: the shit awakens is a crap film.

  • southafricanguy

    agreed. I speak English, Afrikaans (a kind of Dutch), Korean, and some Xhosa so I have no time or patience for any arrogant assholes who mocks anyone else’s language ability when they cannot speak another language to save their goddamn life.

  • southafricanguy

    I am still willing to bet that Star Trek Beyond will be better that JJ’s last Trek crapfest…..

  • southafricanguy

    hey Stalkeye….whats up buddy?

  • southafricanguy

    hey Asi…whats up?

  • southafricanguy

    hey Turd. Hows things?

  • southafricanguy

    hey dude. Hows it going dude?

  • Hey! How are you? Long time.
    Personally i’m fine but my dad got into a lot of health problems which need surgery and soon chemioterapy, so, i have been better, if you get my meaning. Otherwise, just chilling and waiting for my fave television shows to return for their next seasons.

  • Jesus, man, it’s like, whoever wins, we lose.

  • So, you finally broke free of the JJ’s enchantments?

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Thanks, my friend.

    Yeah, the magic is gone from Star Wars; I agree completely. I knew Abrams would be complicit in turning the saga into a reductionist nostalgia-fest from the moment he was first hired. Disney are certainly to blame as well, but I think they might have been a little more faithful to Lucas’s ideas if it weren’t for Abrams’s influence. It’s what he does, after all; his entire filmography displays that pattern.

  • KilliK

    you are a wise man, south. fans who have kept their geeky integrity and critical thinking, cant possible love and praise this dogshit. it’s not eve a bad SW movie, it’s a bad movie in general. It’s hilarious watching the apologists defending it with their ridiculous fallacies.

    Like you, I wont bother with the rest of the SW flicks Disney is preparing for the next 20 years and beyond. I will watch the rest of the trilogy in the cinemas, mostly because of Mark, and that’s it. Star Wars died when Lucas sold his company.

  • KilliK

    hey man, how are you? long time no see. is everything fine? I just read your SW post and I fully agree with you. I hope we ll see you here more often.

  • southafricanguy

    im ok…not too bad. Just busy with life, so dont always have time to take part in discussions….but just had to weigh in on the this damn movie..

  • southafricanguy

    pretty much

  • southafricanguy

    i am sure Asi. I hope everything will be ok with your dad. I am doing ok thanks.

  • Stalkeye

    Southie! How the fuck are ya?
    I’m holding it down as always but this year is starting off like a shitty one as you may well know. )0: But that being said, I’m looking forward to the marvel films especially Civil War and of course the Daredevil series slated for this March. Hope everything is good with you old friend. (0=

  • southafricanguy

    i was never enchanted with JJ…..there is no film of his that I can say I actually like. I just never minded him before. But I have to say that the one two punch of Into Darkness where he just lazily recycled WOK, and now him just lazily recycling ANH…..I have to say he is a hack of epic porportions…..

  • southafricanguy

    yeah…I am looking forward to them too, but for me more so Deadpool and Xmen: Apocalypse. Those are the two comic book movies I cant wait to see (the xmen being my favorite Marvel characters and that I just generally like how Singer makes Xmen movies) I am also really curious to see how these WB/DC films are going to come together. I really like the new suicide squad trailer

  • southafricanguy

    if they had been drunk while writing that shitty screenplay it might have been more imaginative……as opposed to the copy and paste it is.

  • southafricanguy

    I know I am eagerly awaiting your review of it

  • Stalkeye

    Ya can’t go wrong with a trailer that has Bohemian Rhapsody as its soundtrack!
    Deadpool is looking better and better and the way I see it, it’s Marvel firing the first shot to DC’s Suicide Squad since both films have that same vibe.
    My major problem with BvS is their rendition of Lex Luthor. UGH, I was right about this casting choice from the beginning. More of Carey’s Riddler and far less of Hackman’s Joker.

  • So am I. I’m yet to find out how to write the damn thing.

  • I suspect they spend the 8 months they had writing it by having 2 hours dedicated each day to re-watch ANH, 10 minutes to write what they saw in the script, and then take off the rest of the day and spent it on the beach getting stoned.

  • What i don’t understand is why not more people are aware of that? What does he need to do to convince people what an hack he is? But then again, i have this near certainty this next project will be an Indy movie, so that might finally do the trick.

  • maralatho

    What characters? Felicity? The rest are all someone else’s.

  • maralatho

    I wouldn’t continue the story after Return of the Jedi. The heroes won. The Jedi returned. The end.

  • maralatho

    In other words, you enjoy Hollywood movies. Nothing wrong with that. Doesn’t mean they’re good.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    But they did continue the story. Too bad for you.

  • maralatho

    Not really. I didn’t see The Force Awakens, so anything beyond Jedi is irrelevant to me. And to be honest, the first movie — Star Wars — is the only one that really matters. The rest are whore’s children.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    And yet you’re posting about TFA, so it’s hardly irrelevant to you. Moreover, calling Empire and Jedi “whore’s children” is moronic, and demonstrates you’ve no understanding of or appreciation for cinema whatsoever.

  • Stalkeye

    Its called “The Ugly American Syndrome” my friend.

  • maralatho

    You’re funny.

  • southafricanguy

    you probably are almost exactly accurate regarding how that went down

  • southafricanguy

    because JJ’s real skill and talent is marketing and self promotion. He is brilliant at selling himself as a great film maker as opposed to actually being one. And because he is so good at attaching himself to classic IPs created by other far more talented people (Mission Impossible, Star Trek, Star Wars) and basically just copying from other better movies (stealing from True Lies for MI3, or stealing from ANH to make Trek 09), or just remaking the best films in a series (remaking WOK as STID, and remaking ANH as TFA) .

    And of course he is the master of fanboy/nostalgia blowjobs……so the fanboys just eat it up.

  • southafricanguy

    probably….I am not saying that I am looking forward to another Bad Robot produced Trek…..but…..it is at least a different director and different writers…..there is at least that small mercy.

    If I had my way…I would love Bryan Singer to be handed control of the Trek series (based on his work on the Xmen films)

  • southafricanguy

    I dont even think I could pay to ever see another one. I would just feel dirty giving Disney anymore money

  • southafricanguy

    My honest question to the TFA blind supporter brigade is: How much of your opinion has been influenced by the fact that Star Wars has now become a brand (like Nike, or Levis) that gets supported and loved merely for being Star Wars and just not sucking? as opposed to being either an actual good movie or doing anything new narrative or character wise…

  • southafricanguy

    you hate Michael Bay?……but Transformers 4 was the bomb!!…And JJ comes across as his younger slightly less retarded brother

  • Indrid Cold

    If that was the case why would there be such disdain for the prequels? The prequels suck. They have the Star Wars brand and if I have my way I will never watch any of them ever again.

  • southafricanguy

    Well….except for the fact that the prequels are loved by the a lot of the younger generation of SW fans…..certainly the younger generation does not feel about them the way that the 30s/40s crowd does. When you talk about disdain for them that depends on which segment of Star Wars fanboys you ask……general movie goers/film fans…..sure….most have disdain for them, but the general film goer or film fan doesn’t automatically drool over anything Star Wars. SW fanboys on the other hand are a lot more mixed on that opinion I would say.

    Regardless….that was not the question. I was not asking about blindly supporting anything Star Wars. I asked how much does those fawning over TFA have to do with the simple fact that it just doesn’t suck as compared to the prequels? Which is not much of an accomplishment given the problems with those films (however they at least did something different and tried to tell a different story)

    I like Star Wars but I am no means a Star Wars fanboy. Just being Star Wars or just being “better” than the prequels is not enough to make me jizz in my pants over it. When it’s just a lazy remake of the first movie with a 2015 coat of paint, and even entire scenes and plot points lifted straight put of ANH….not to mention what a giant nostalgia blowjob the whole film is……then I remain utterly underwhelmed.

    Give me a new story, give me a good script, do something….dare I say….imaginative with the large universe Lucas created (Dark Horse comics managed it with some of their stuff)…..take it somewhere new as opposed to just rehashing the same damn story, and characters I have already seen. Evolve it…..not go backwards and cynically back engineer the whole thing so as to appease fanboys of a certain age. In other words….give me a new Star Wars film and not Star Wars fan fiction and I will like it…JJ or no JJ. As it stands based on his “effort” with this film, he remains a hack, and TFA killed any interest in SW for me. Let me know when they make an actual Star Wars movie….

  • Indrid Cold

    That wasn’t the question you posed. You asked if we were loving TFA simply because we love the brand name.

    I answered the question. If people were only in love with TFA because it says “STAR WARS” in the title, then the same sort of love would be spawned for the prequels.

    And no.. there are no younger fans that LOVE the prequels. There may be some younger fans that enjoy them on the same level as The Fast and the Furious or Transformers. There is NO love for that series of films that I can see.

    Now I will answer the second question that you posed… do we simply love it because it is better than the prequels?

    No. I can’t speak for everyone, but I loved it because I felt it was great entertainment and that it is very much a Star Wars film in every sense.

    I’m sorry you didn’t like TFA, but I just don’t see the flaws that you see. Is it a perfect film? No. Did it succeed in the areas that it needed to? Yes. In my opinion it was very much a success and did exactly what it needed to to set up the next two movies and beyond.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Everything you say is true, but there’s little point reasoning with that guy. He’s a zealot; Star Wars is his security blanket. For his type, Abrams only had to throw together a mix-tape of old Star Wars tropes (which is exactly what he did do) to be met with rapturous approval.

    To the fuzzy-eyed crowd, it’s enough that TFA supposedly feels like Star Wars (the irony being that it feels nothing like it at all and lacks any of Lucas’s distinct touches). Story and invention is not high on their list of concerns, only lukewarm nostalgia. Also, any suggestion the prequels were loved, or even tolerated, by anybody at all (which they were) will be met with an apoplectic gnashing of teeth from their quarter.

    Anyway, to hell with Abrams and his paymasters’ carnival of empty nostalgia. I now have little interest in Episode VII and IX, except for perhaps the curiosity of seeing Hamill’s performance. I don’t think the majority give much of a shit about TFA, either. It’s leaving theaters very fast and no one – not even Harry Knowles – is talking about it anymore.

    Actually, the situation has begun to sink in recently, and the more I think about it, the more angry I get at what Abrams and Disney have done. TFA is supposed to be EPISODE VII. EPISODE FUCKING VII. A SEQUEL TO RETURN TO THE JEDI – a dream movie that we thought we’d never see. WE WAITED THIRTY-TWO FUCKING YEARS FOR THIS?!! THIS NOTHING? HOW THE FUCK CAN ANY SELF-PROFESSED FAN OF THE OT BE OK WITH THIS SHITTY MOVIE!? It beggars belief.

  • I saw the trailer for Star Trek Beyond Hope and it’s exactly like all the Jeffrey bullshit done before. The new director is a mere copycat continuing the “style” and stupidity that has been already established in this incarnation of Trek. It’s business as usual.
    And don’t forget, this is the movie that’s going to be used to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Star Trek. Paramount really hates Star Trek!

  • Sad we reached this state, isn’t it? It’s the epitome and nadir of self-indulgence from the fandom and geekdom. I used to think geekdom was my tribe, but i don’t recognize it anymore.

  • Indrid Cold

    That’s pretty funny, coming from you.. the most unreasonable of all movie board trolls. I don’t use Star Wars as anything but a form of entertainment.. TFA being a terrific source of such entertainment. Your problem is that you have so many mental hang ups about JJ Abrams that you can’t see the forest from the trees. You ruined the entire experience for yourself long ago, the minute he was announced as the director. You’re a sad fella with equally sad opinions.

    If you love the prequels.. so be it. Just know that anyone with any cinematic taste laughs at you. I’m sure you don’t care about that.. but it’s true.

  • KilliK

    well said, mate. you called it as it is.

  • KilliK

    stfu. and go play with your SW toys.

  • Indrid Cold

    do you fight all of your boyfriends battles?

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Yawn…

  • KilliK

    that’s what angers me too.

    SW7 is essentially a soft reboot with JarJar’s pathetic attempt to replace Lucas’ universe with his own travesty. Exactly, like what he did with NuTrek. he changed the names and introduced knockoffs of iconic characters, environments and factions which Lucas’s ingenuity created. He fucking destroyed Coruscant in his movie, a repeat of Vulcan’s destruction in NuTrek, and the fans havent even realized that. The guy is openly and aggressively erasing everything that was iconic in SW and replacing them with his own hackish version. and fans are celebrating this as a glorious return to the “real” Star Wars.
    the fucking morons.

    and you and I had predicted all of this, we knew what happened to Star Trek would happen to Star Wars too, from the moment they hired JarJar. we knew about this and we couldnt do anything about it. and that’s why the delay of the Avatar sequels saddens me, because for the next few years we have only to deal with the raping of our beloved properties (SW,ST,Blade Runner,Alien,etc), while great cinematic stories from visionary,true artists are nowhere to be found.

    The situation is so hopeless and frustrating, that some media sites are realizing only now that Warcraft is the only, original blockbuster in 2016. all the other releases are consisted of sequels,remakes and prequels. and even that movie will probably bomb because the audience doesnt care for originality. they are happy with their recycled,nostalgia flavored fast food. happy with garbage and no interest for originality and creativity.

    We are living the age of the Dark Empire, only this time it’s the mega-corporated Hollywood.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    “The guy is openly and aggressively erasing everything that was iconic in SW and replacing them with his own hackish version.”

    Quite literally, in fact. Wasn’t there a report about Abrams wanting to stock toy stores only with merchandise from his movie, and not the prequels and the OT? Disney rightfully told him to get stuffed as they wanted to market everything , but it’s suspiciously close to earlier stories that he tried to erase all previous Star Trek merchandise and incarnations in favor of his own. Some sort of legal entanglement with CBS stopped his plans in the case of Trek, but a lack of total control over an IP was one of the main reasons he jumped from Trek to SW to begin with.

    The guy is the most shameless, opportunistic, greedy hack around. I’ve never witnessed such lowdown behavior from any director, not even Michael Bay. Abrams is the scum of the earth.

    I agree with all the rest that you say. We’re living through dark times, indeed. Hopefully, the cycle is temporary and the audience gets bored to the extent that they start demanding original films and IPs again, leading to the collapse of the current Hollywood infrastructure. But I’m not counting on it. Maybe the audience is too conditioned to accept mediocrity now and really doesn’t care about cinema other than as a time-waster. And the media, and their low standards, are also complicit in that. So the worst case scenario is that the cycle may be unbreakable and we are doomed to see franchises endlessly regurgitated for decades, even centuries. It’s a frightening thought.

  • southafricanguy

    just calling it as I see it

  • southafricanguy

    You mean that you ignore the fact that it’s a complete recycle of the first movie, as opposed to see no flaws. That is not conjecture, speculation, or opinion on my part. That is a simple fact. Anyone can go through the film and point out every scene, plot point, and character that is clearly and deliberately a copy of what was done before. That seems quite cynical to me as an approach to making a film…..but then it’s more a product than a film. The only subjective part is if you are ok with that or enjoy films that are just lazy remakes, or glorified fan fiction. And from that perspective to each their own indeed. For my part…I simply do not. I have higher standards of what I expect from a film as a piece of art as opposed to the highly contrived nature of this movie that was very obviously designed from a marketing perspective.

    And as for how you can say that no younger generation like or love the prequels…..I am not sure how you can quantify that. I cannot quantify it other than what I have seen, heard, and read regarding people talking about their kid’s reactions to the films. And based on that there are certainly fans of the films out there even if you hate them.

  • southafricanguy

    well…whats funny, and interesting is what a big wet fart it has been here. I live in South Korea and it was out of cinemas here at the end of December already, and when I was in Japan at the begining of January on travel it was also the same situation. But then in all honesty Star Wars really does not seem particularly popular in Asia. I never hear it spoken about (and many people I know have never seen any of the films or even know what it is) and the merchandise is not common either.

  • southafricanguy

    Imho Mad Max: Fury Road and Ash vs The Evil Dead are two great examples of intellectual properties that were made many year after their last installments that do something new, fresh, and interesting with the worlds they created and both kick the TFA’s ass

  • southafricanguy

    actually I am curious about your assesment of the SW prequels. I cannot recall your particular views on them.

  • southafricanguy

    I was fairly bummed by that news too. I would like there to be more original or new IPs started. But I dont think that Warcraft is the only one to look forward to. There is some potentially good stuff coming including Warcraft, the Avatar sequels, Battle Angel Alita, Fantastic Beasts, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, mathew Vaughn doing Flash Gordon (the kingsman was excellent) to name a few off the top of my head…

  • southafricanguy

    damn straight buddy. Queen music on your trailer can only be good. Agreed….Deadpool looks awsome….and to think that will be followed by Xmen: Apocalypse. Suicide squad may actually end up being the better movie than BvS. I do agree that so far JE’s version of LL looks awful. But in all fairness we will need to wait and see how it plays within the context of the film…

  • southafricanguy

    where are you from?

  • southafricanguy

    was a good review and assessment of the movie. One that echoes how a lot of people feel about it.

  • southafricanguy

    always pesky when facts get in the way

  • KilliK

    Fantastic Beasts is a spinoff movie set in the Potter universe. Alita is filmed by a hack director who hasnt made a good movie for decades. Flash Gordon is just another take on the same property. Valerian will have the fate of John Carter. And most of those wont come out in 2016. I dont know about you, but I am completely pessimistic about the future of entertainment cinema.

  • southafricanguy

    yeah…I know they are not all 2016, and or “original” in the sense of having no pre exisiting material….I just meant stuff that I feel has the possibility to be good.

  • phantomcreeps .

    Fucking liar, I like you brother, from way back.

    But you will see the next one, and the one after.

    Don’t act all high and mighty.

    I will hold you, to what you said.

  • phantomcreeps .

    You are an idiot.

  • phantomcreeps .

    Fuck you.

  • Stalkeye

    Murica’ my friend.
    <—Of Black and Irish decent and a "cunning linguist". (;'

  • Stalkeye

    Agreed about Eisenberg’s Luthor and to be honest, I liked him in Social Network, Zombieland and American Ultra however, he doesn’t fit the part as Lex. Riddler> Fuck yea! He channeled Jim Carrey from BvS’ trailer so why not? I’m excited for Deadpool and hope this is the part that Reynolds was born to play. The guy has been getting a bad rap since Green Lantern and before that Hannibal King from Blade 3. It’s not really his fault, just the writers that fucked his roles-royally!!

  • Stalkeye

    I concur!
    This should’ve been the featured comment.
    Well said, friend.

  • southafricanguy

    Dude…..nothing high and mighty about it at all. You give a bit too much credit to me in terms of me watching any other Star Wars movie mattering in the slightest. And I was not as if I was making some serious statement that is a stance. I was half joking with that comment. Either way…..right now based on TFA….I simply do not have any desire to see anymore. Maybe that will change…maybe it will not. You are most welcome to hold me to it. If I can come up with a good reason to reverse that decision I will let be honest about it. I certainly wont pretend that I never said this.

  • southafricanguy

    I long ago stopped recognizing it and I certainly do not want to be either a geek nor a fanboy.

  • southafricanguy

    standing on the shoulders of giants and remaking a classic film….boy, that JJ sure is a genius…

    where does he get those ideas?…

  • southafricanguy

    thank you…..the way you just put that Asi….was both dead on, and exactly what I wanted to say . ” making excuses and accepting what in other movies would be motive for a negative opinion, namely, the reuse of plot points and notorious lack of any originality”

  • southafricanguy

    Thats why I compare SW to being just a brand now. And how it is supported like a brand. It has ceased to be art..a film, or a story. It is a product.

  • southafricanguy

    Those quotes just say it all.

  • southafricanguy

    well…..they are chasing that event film money…

  • southafricanguy

    and it’s that double standard and hypocrisy that also just gets me. So basically Star Wars is allowed to have a piss poor story full of holes and inconsistencies, a weak script, its allowed to just repeat itself, and lack originality……compared to other films *facepalm*

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    I haven’t seen Ah Vs Evil Dead yet, although I’ve heard good things about it. You probably know how I feel about Mad Max, but that’s more to do with Hardy and the script, not the visuals, tone or Miller’s direction.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    The hilarious thing is how a few biased American analysts/ journalists are already making excuses for TFA’s below-par performance internationally, and chalking it up to the strength of the dollar. Some of them even believe it would have beaten Avatar otherwise (as if!).

    Don’t they realize that Star Wars has little standing or following in many territories, especially Asia? The results in China and South Korea have been particularly weak compared to other recent blockbusters (Fast and Furious, Avengers, Jurassic World). Most of these so-called journalists cluelessly filter everything through a North American perspective and are oblivious to the world beyond. Not everyone has an obsession with Star Wars, and, as you know, the Asians have their own tradition of sci-fi and fantasy.

  • Exactly. Sadly the fans are not aware they are insulting their own fave franchise with that attitude. I mean, if they are fans, wouldn’t they desire for quality and originality? Instead they are making excuses for dumbing down and repetition. I don’t get it.

  • Something tells me it will under-perform. And if so, then it will be the kiss of death of this dreadful iteration of Star Trek.
    Unfortunately, Kurztman is working to shat Star Trek back into a new television series based on the unused script that Orci write for the movie he got fired from and his script replaced.

  • Sad but true.
    You know, when i saw all the applause and accolades the new movie got when was released, i reminded of a phrase from one of the prequels to which i adapt as: “So this is how Star Wars dies, with thunderous applause”.

  • Certainly not from his head ;-

  • I never disliked them. I have issues with TPM because of Jar Jar Binks and Kid Anakin, but there is also as much to enjoy about the movie as well. I liked AOTC a lot, it was a very well made old fashion adventure movie (and i took the clunky romance for what it is, a clunky teen romance between two people not used to romance). I also like ROTS a lot as well, with the highlight being McDiarmid’s delicious performance as Palpatine. So, unlike the SW fanboys, i have a positive opinion of the prequels, and in fact, i suspect the opinion of anybody who has a wholesome negative opinion of the prequels, i equate those to zealots who have now held high to the copy-and-paste dumb job that Jeffrey did in the name of SW.

  • The Coprophilic Brothers, they are.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Below par performance? It’s the 3rd highest grossing movie of all time internationally.

    And, Star Wars will always be a richer experience than Avatar. Always.

  • maralatho

    So you’ve been reduced to arguing semantics, and name-calling. Classy.

    Tell me, oh connoisseur of the cinematic arts, do you know who coined the phrase “whore’s children” as it pertains to movies?

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    I’m not sure who coined that phrase, but it could be something that Pauline Kael or Andrew Sarris wrote.

  • KilliK

    well said, mate. I dont see any hope either. what is tragic, is that we have all this modern movie technology to realize all those wonderful imaginative worlds and provide such immersive experiences, and instead of investing on original stories, we recycle the same shit again and again. even the so called superhero genre hasnt reached yet the level of imagination and vision the comicbook artform has provided its readers all these years. hell, it took them 10+ years to introduce some color in the superhero uniforms and start replacing the monotonous black latex design. So much potential for breathtaking, mind-blowing entertainment cinema with all this technology, and it is so far wasted. sigh.

  • ErnestRister

    People booed the trailer before The Force Awakens. Star Trek Into Darkness sure poisoned that well.

  • southafricanguy

    well….the last two underperformed. Trek has never been and will never be a mass audience film series imho. It’s best to keep the budgets fairly low and just focus on making good trek films as opposed to making them into Summer blockbusters that will appeal to non sci fi nerds

  • southafricanguy

    I can only hope. Again….my wish would be for it to be given to Bryan Singer. Who would you like to see direct a trek film if Bad robot got the boot?

  • southafricanguy

    clearly

  • southafricanguy

    I do….but personally I fucking loved it….but yes, Hardy was the weak point. And wahtever flaws it may have it is still miles away a better piece of film making prowess than TFA is.

  • Toruk_Makto

    That reminds me of something I posted on another site.

    “Hip Hop doesn’t exist in the Star Wars universe so why does a stormtrooper raised to be a stormtrooper from birth act like that?”

    Just wait, in the next film they will explain that Finn is the original gangsta “OG”.

    All joking aside it is going to get a lot worse from here on out. When it comes to franchises JJ’s job is much like that of a battering ram. He breaks down the walls of continuity and common sense clearing the path for all manner of idiocy (see Star Trek Beyond).

    Star Wars may indeed be dead…but the feasting on the carcass…has just begun.

    I give the man one thing. He is very good at the real job he is assigned to undertake.

  • southafricanguy

    As it stands now….yes, that is true…..however, that is a subjective opinion depending on preference (if you prefer one over the other…have at it dude), and in my opinion a ridiculous, and utterly pointless comparison when comparing a single film to what….seven?…and countless other media. How about we wait for more movies to be made in that universe to see how they compare in terms of richness. Star Wars doesn’t get to be “a richer experience” merely for being Star Wars. It is right now by virtue of having existed for a hell of a lot longer, and having it’s universe developed and expanded in numerous films and across a variety of media.

    And for all its flaws….at least Avatar doesnt have a much hated prequel trilogy, a god awful holiday special, an extremely juvenile theatrical animated film, and Ewoks spin offs. Were these all rich experiences?

    And certainly many people would not agree with that based on the difference in how Avatar did in Asia compared to TFA. When Avatar came out here it was in cinemas for over three months. It came out in December and I remember trying to get IMAX tickets in February, and they were all sold out….I literally could not get tickets. Again….TFA was out of cinemas here by the end of December as far as I could see (wasnt showing in any cinemas that I went to this past month). It would be fair to argue based on that that there are certainly people who found it a richer experience.

    Personally I like both….even though I did not like TFA, I certainly love the richness of the Star Wars universe.

  • southafricanguy

    Seriously?…..the strength of the Dollar?….They are really pulling stuff like that out of their asses? I have not been paying attention because honestly I dont really care which movie gets to be number 1#….it really does not matter imho. I only enjoy analyzing the reasons for the success long after the fact for my own interest. You do make a valid point and one of the main reasons why it can’t beat Avatar’s international box office……SW is especially popular in North America.(nothing at all wrong with that)…and I know it’s hard for some to believe but as you say….nowhere as popular in some other territories. Key amongst these is Asia…..which also happens to be becoming the most important market for international box office (and growing rapidly).

    I do agree about the north american centric view that many of the sites have. Avatar was HUGE here in Asia. Check the break down of the b.o. It did huge numbers in China, korea, Japan….I see it on tv all the time here, and I have met many people in China, Korea, and Japan that have told me they love it or that it is their favorite film.

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    More movies? It’ll be at least 10 years from when Avatar came out before you see its sequel.

    I enjoyed Avatar. But it’s no Star Wars.

  • southafricanguy

    I highly recommend that you watch Ash vs The evil dead asap. It is both highly entertaining and drop dead hilarious. Oh…and it is hard R

  • southafricanguy

    I do hope you included the holiday special in that marathon….otherwise I simply just can’t respect you

  • southafricanguy

    if it helps Asi….our neighbor is Mozambique….as you of course know the former Portuguese colony (and Angola is nearby)…..so we get a lot of Portuguese speakers in South Africa. And of course we get all the yummy African/Portuguese fusion food

  • southafricanguy

    great points

  • southafricanguy

    you and I both

  • southafricanguy

    damn Asi…..hell yes….Sicario was fucking awsome. Bencio Del Toro was so damn good in it. Def one of my favorites of the year. And the Martian.

  • southafricanguy

    absolutely

  • southafricanguy

    Yeah….calling others stupid for the films they like is not necessary. We can all at least be civil to each other even if we completely disagree.

  • southafricanguy

    And the BBC Sherlock Holmes movie is still playing here

  • southafricanguy

    I was so glad they cast those incredible Indonesian martial artists from the raid….it was so worth it with all that they got to do.

  • southafricanguy

    “After three heartbreaking miscarriages in a row, it’s like getting excited about the Down’s Syndrome one that lived”

    you sir…..win the internet

  • southafricanguy

    not least of all for ….Cobra Lalalalalalalalalala

  • southafricanguy

    trust me dude….would not have flown in Asia….

  • southafricanguy

    Its just sloppy writing

  • southafricanguy

    hahahahahahahaha

  • southafricanguy

    i came here simply because I got sick of all the assholes at AICN,, and that AICN has become a shadow of itself with the less said about Knowles these days the better…

  • I had seen 3 of Sicario’s director previous movies (Politechnique, Prisoners, Enemy), so i had an idea it would be good, though not as good as it turned out to be.
    The Martian was my pleasant surprise of the year. There’s nothing in that movie i could say anything negative about it, except it has too much disco music but then again that was used for comedy effect, so, yeah.

  • Hummm! That sounds intriguing!

  • Which is, dragging his ass over other people’s properties?

  • Singer is a good option in my book, at least he truly likes ST.
    But perhaps the best would be to give that franchise to some young and up and coming talent who both likes ST and is eager to make a name for himself.

  • Trek CAN be a mass market movie franchise but only if the people who make the movies stop trying to second-guess the audiences and start putting real effort into the movies.
    Take for example Iron Man: a 3rd tier comic book character it become the most popular of the Marvel film saga. Same can be done to ST, all they need is to do it well.

  • Indeed. Though i say the poisoning happened one movie before, but that’s another subject.

  • Stalkeye

    ROTS received such an undeserved bad rap.
    Yet it was truer to a SW experience than the piecemeal that was The Force Awakens.

  • You said it.

  • Stalkeye

    XD

  • Dennis O’Keefe

    Pay “Turd” no mind. The man is so mired in his inexplicable nerd rage over TFA and J.J. Abrams that he actually wrote this about Harrison Ford:

    “Fuck Harry Ford; I hope the new Indy turns out as bad as Crystal Skull or worse, and soils his legacy forever.”

    Just consider for one second the seething hatred and dangerous pathology that rests in Turd’s depraved mind.

  • Toruk_Makto

    No, I don’t think true Trek should or could attract the mass populace like movies like Jurassic Park or Star Wars.

    The protagonist in Star Trek are all scientist. These people are essentially all geniuses…at their base level. For many of them the wind that floats their skirts is exploring space and learning about life of all kinds. From Betazoids to bacteria.

    The majority of the populace do not like science.
    They do not like equations.
    They do not like soil samples or sensor readings from benign Nebula’s.

    When I was a kid my first impression of Star Trek was “wow, this is some dry shit…really fuckin boring.”.

    As I grew older and my knowledge base grew my appreciation for the show grew exponentially.

    This did not, will not, can not happen for everyone.

    Perhaps in your country every other person holds a science degree, but in my country every other person holds a twinkie.

    A show that holds true to it’s roots and tells a story about a bunch of scientist exploring space is going to lose a lot of people.

    That’s alright. That’s okay.

    To expect otherwise would be the equivalent of being surprised 95% ot the population doesn’t have a bookmarked Stephen Hawking hardback inside of their bathroom bookcase.

  • KilliK

    you mean how they were wasted. even fans of the Raid films, hadnt realized they were in the movie until it was mentioned by others.

  • KilliK

    yeah, I read the show is quite popular in asia and the latest tv movie was a big hit. i wonder why.

  • Dee

    But The Martian was successful.

  • Dee

    The Asian countries seem to have a different view on Western male stars. Jean Reno and Tommy Lee Jones are far more popular in Japan than they are here already.

  • KilliK

    and Charles Bronson, he was big in Japan. why this though? what makes some actors being more popular in asia than in their home-country.

  • KilliK

    which had its hard-science watered down A LOT compared to the book. it also had a protagonist cracking jokes the whole time and lots of pop culture references. Also, it was yet another one science movie about an accident. When was the last time we had a movie solely about space exploration? The Right Stuff in the 80s?

  • Toruk_Makto

    I have the audio-book. The protagonist was very funny. A large portion of the book is him explaining scientific scenarios and how he proposes to address them. A lot of it I had trouble keeping up with except for the computer science aspects.

    Given what I know of the reading habits of friends, families and coworkers I estimate that about 10% of them would have picked up the novel.

    Haven’t seen the movie. If the movie is as scientific as the book it’s success is pretty impressive. But I hold that most of the people I’ve met, worked with, science is not a popular subject…relatively speaking.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Yeah, I attribute The Martian’s success to the likable protagonist and the jokes. The science aspect was almost incidental. There’s no way a serious Mars movie would have been nearly as successful.

    On that note, I’d really like to see the Mars colonization movie Cameron was working on for years. He nearly decided to go back to it, too, before the Avatar sequels deal was closed. Though, I bet he eventually ends up handing it off to someone else.

  • KilliK

    I would love to watch a serious Mars colonization movie. let’s hope he doesnt give it to Rodriguez’s pal Tarantino. heh.

  • southafricanguy

    i was being highly sarcastic

  • southafricanguy

    a combination of sherlock holmes the character being popular, Benedict cumberbatch being popular and it being good I guess. I have not seen it myself yet

  • KilliK

    i know. i just wanted to comment on that.

    you have Lucas who took a martial artist and turned him into an iconic villain with Maul. and then you have Cocknose who took two popular martial artists and ..you cant even remember their names in the movie.

  • southafricanguy

    hahahahahahahaha

  • southafricanguy

    but did they boo it because of STID…or because it was a cinema full of star wars fans

  • KilliK

    yeah, sherlock is popular over there. there was even a tv show with a japanese sherlock. i hope Cumberbatch will be enough to make Strange a hit over there. as for the tv movie, I have read mixed reviews, other say it’s great, other that it is garbage. anyway.

  • ErnestRister

    They’re probably fans of both Trek and Star Wars. The trailer isn’t doing the franchise any favors.

  • southafricanguy

    cool dude. I was just curious

  • southafricanguy

    It probably will do just fine here….Marvel is popular here for sure.

  • southafricanguy

    I agree

  • KilliK

    here where? china? you live there?

  • ErnestRister

    The international market for Star Trek films has traditionally been a bit dodgy — but for some reason, foreign outperformed domestic last time out.

  • ErnestRister

    Some of them are scientists, but they are first and foremost members and officers in a Space Navy. Cue Gilbert and Sullivan.

  • ErnestRister

    You should get drunk before you write it, like Hemingway. The name of your column can be, “AsimovDrinks”

  • Lately i’m cutting down on the sauce, much to my annoyance, but i have to.

  • Well, certainly the scientific appeal of Star Trek could be seen as an impediment for it to be a mass market type entertainment. Or maybe not. I don’t think there are impossible stories to tell, only god and bad storytelling. Just find a hook and that’s it. ST is also about adventure, and i think it’s possible to mix both. Sure, you might not being every audiences, but you can bring a good enough amount. All it takes is to know the audience for the movies. This means that a ST movie shouldn’t be a 200 million dollars ten-pole type movie, but today it’s possible to make great spectacle with 100 millions, as long the filmmakers are fiscally responsible and creative.

  • Toruk_Makto

    “This means that a ST movie shouldn’t be a 200 million dollars ten-pole type movie”

    Exactamundo.

    This is where things start to fall apart. Star Trek should be the one property in this spastic film landscape that stimulates both the intellect and imagination.

    It should be the one series where the brightest and most imaginative minds merge together to tell stories that challenge even the most towering of intellects.

    It should be at the forefront of technological discovery.
    It should be at the forefront of scientific theory.
    It should show other series what it truly means to to go where no one has gone before

    Geeks should be walking into the theaters with physics books under their arms whispering to one another “No, no…I think I figured out how they got out of it last time…

    You’re right, you don’t need a lot of money to do this. Just a lot of gumption.

    Greed,not vision, is the reason Star Trek is in the state it is today. They were so concerned about getting their hands on all the marbles when they should have been satisfied with having hold of the best ones.

    It is a depressing fact that men like Gene Roddenberry are so few and far between. It will take someone like that to beat away the fuckwits, grab the wheel, and steer the ship back on course.

  • southafricanguy

    South Korea. I live in South Korea….and I have travelled a lot in China and Japan.

  • southafricanguy

    yeah…that was odd…..Perhaps because it was not very “star trek” and more like a modern action pop corn film?

  • I’m sure there are quite a few people who would be interested to stir the St ship back to what it is all about. The problem is not the creatives, it’s Paramount. ST’s worst enemy was always the very company that holds the rights, Paramount.

  • Darg Varg

    Best summary ever of this garbage. Well done!

  • Darg Varg

    Had JJ not been the director, it still would have been like smelling fresh fecal matter. But the fact that the most DOES smell like fresh fecal matter is because it’s directed by the biggest hackjob, untalented director in Hollywood history.

  • Darg Varg

    VIII will be infinitely better simply because JJ’s shit (creatively) covered hands won’t be touching it

  • Darg Varg

    Ewe Boll on meth could produce any movie better than JJ

  • Darg Varg

    No just your mom’s diary of her days as a hooker

  • Darg Varg

    It was good at being pathetic shit

  • Indrid Cold

    Give that back, please. She has been looking for it.