Today’s episode—Season 4 Episode 11—of Total Divas has the glitzy title “An Unwanted Proposal”; but like a pink, rhinestone tiara on Hillary Clinton it seems inappropriate, akin to wrapping a Gothic novel in pink cellophane. Why all this pink? Shut up.
Since last we joined our heroes they were eating in a series of Cheesecake Factories, slurping white wine like Samantha and Carrie on Sex and the City and gabbing about: Brett Hart’s daughter’s husband being an out of work slug who got injured, Brett Hart’s daughter’s husband’s mother-in-law being an unwelcome guest, Trinity’s terrifying boyfriend, Trinity’s seamstress needing to knock up something a bit sexier, Nikki and Brie Bella doing whatever it is they do all the time (who the hell knows . . . whatever the case may be . . . etc.)—I honestly can’t remember what the Bella twins were up to, but I’m not sure if that’s because they are so attractive or if those brain cells were already reserved for a hangover—like a parking spot for a professor whose life is collapsing in a self-destructive spiral wherein he trades off grading papers for working on his poetry and is eventually fired, full stop.
In season 4 the complete divas have new members: an ugly British girl named Paige, and this hellcat named Summer Rae (not appearing in the episode). Paige looks like she’s . . . she’s just not very womanly if you ask me. But I think this may be generational. It reminds me of back when Avril Lavigne started putting out music videos and music. I was in high school and all my friends’ dads were obsessed with Avril Lavigne for some reason like she was the hottest girl ever and I just didn’t see it. Britney Spears I sort of got, but not Avril Lavigne. So anyway men of a certain age also seem drawn to Paige, whatever that means, I have no idea. I’m probably wrong. She’s a hag, to me. She looks like one of Jack the Ripper’s victims, a Whitechapel bangtail. Then there is Summer Rae who is more my speed. She has a feisty, ambitious, catty personality, and a supernova sex appeal.
Oh yeah. So the whole “are they married or not” thing. This is controversial but clearly this is all staged, and if you think that any of these women are married to either of those guys then you are living in a fishbowl my friend and I am sorry to break up with you like that (said reality). I’d bet my Pulitzer on it. It’s kind of interesting though because when you realize what you are seeing is complete fiction but still shot with the vérité style and deploying the techniques of “reality” television it makes you realize the show is pretty unique. Really it’s more like a Paul Greengrass movie then a reality television show from a subjective cahiers du cinéma type point of view.
Anyway here comes Paige with her Princess Bride rack operator face. She’s applying makeup. I’m just kidding she’s completely hot. No wait. Is this a “real review” or is it all just in good fun, like wrestling itself? Is it too mean to say that Daniel Bryant looks like the heavyweight champion imagined by a nine-year old on a car ride whose parents are screaming about divorce for the entire nine hour trip? Or that the Bella Twins are so hot they make the other female wrestlers look like they went dumpster diving and got lost/kidnapped by the circus/WWE? I don’t know. The fan base is rabid so I’m probably stepping over the line. But by drawing this parallel between artifice and criticism in my review I’m trying to draw an analogy to the WWE so you can consider why it shouldn’t offend fans to suggest that by forcing these people to marry each other you have given the sport a whiff of honest-to-god slavery. Is that something a WWE fan is going to get behind no matter what? Is this product really that essential? To a LOT of people it is, full stop. The WWE inspires devotion among a dizzying cross section of people; the audience is global and transcends political boundaries AND, crucially, ideologies.
For instance, I don’t understand how Western Europeans respond so strongly to WWE wrestling, but at the same time exhibit some of the most cynical, socialist and critical opinions you can even conceive of hearing. Do I really have to unpack that for you? What is it about this entertainment monopoly in particular that inspires such devotion?
So this fake marriage (get over it) is running into some turbulence because the Bryants aren’t sure if their children will be financially secure, now that Daniel is out of work and they are talking about what steps they should take to ensure the survival of their by contract progeny. It’s weird. You would think they would both be loaded. But maybe they’re like Korean pop stars who basically get exploited body and mind until they run them into the ground. Only recently have there been some pop super groups who have started getting paid over in Asia, and they deserve it. But I’m not sure it wouldn’t be different for WWE stars who are beloved by hundreds of millions of people. I don’t think Bryant or Brie will ever have trouble drawing paychecks for the rest of their lives. Will they?
Hey Brett Hart’s hot daughter is here, sporting some pink hair. Nice. She also has kind of a frumpy coat on and that’s annoying. She’s my pick for jacuzzi partner.
John and Trinity are hanging out in a granite quarry; I mean kitchen. There are no books on the shelf in their living room. But John has on the freshest white T-shirt I have seen in a minute. I know wrestlers aren’t stupid by the way; I know that many of them are damn smart. All I’m saying is there are a lot of empty shelves next to the TV and it looks odd to me.
I have no idea what’s going on.
OK they’re in Fort Wayne, Indiana. I have never been allowed to drive up there. I mean I literally am not allowed up there. That’s up there where the Chicago tentacles reach, I guess. Horrific. Don’t get me started. Everyone in Chicago is miserable and we all know it. Please. I have friends who have worked in the hospital system up there and after a little while in Chicago they look like a demon pulled their soul out through their assholes like in Bubba Ho-Tep. Anyway that’s how I feel about Chicago.
Alright Paige’s patent attorney boyfriend is about to propose. Paige hides in the bathroom and dials a friend then heads back out. She tells him “I don’t feel very well. Let’s just go.” Ouch bro. Shake it off. There’s plenty of fish in the sea . . .
Bryant I guess really has injured himself and they are CLEARLY writing this to set up Brie breaking up with him. I want to say it’s a classic literary device (ahem) how Brie is putting space between them by suddenly bringing up the question of the security of Bryant’s future children vis a vis his earning power but . . . Yeah in a year or two I don’t see Brie and Bryant still together. Unless his injury is fake. I’m ninety percent sure it’s legit though because it doesn’t write well. Jesus now they’re talking about how much money Bryant has saved. This is making my skin crawl. Brie actually just looks bored and that makes sense because I think she didn’t want to renew her contract with the WWE (supposedly) but Nikki talked her back into it. Anyway she is starting to have this . . . lack of enthusiasm about her . . . *nervous laughter*
Trinity and John have great energy on the other hand after witnessing the clammy state of the heavyweight’s domestic situation. Oh wow John is actually about to do some stand-up comedy. I guess he wants to stretch his acting muscles a bit. Well why not? If you even have a scintilla of presence about you outside the ring then you can become fabulously wealthy (*cough* the Rock *cough*). Alright John takes the mic and starts dropping f-bombs.
Tattoo shop. Paige and her suitor. Whatever. OK he’s proposing. She ACCEPTS!!!!!!!!!!! Whoa…ok good. Proposals at the tattoo shop. That’s cool . . . I guess . . . is that a cemetery over there? I should walk over and feel the breeze.
Alright that’s it for this episode and recap.
My only concluding thought is what happened to Eve Marie? See? I knew that she was too hot for this group, dude. I knew it. In my first recap I was like o.O who is this? This isn’t going to end well . . . whatever she’s MIA. Maybe I’m wrong.
Seeya next time