Originally published on October 18, 2013 at 6:27 pm
I had no interest in seeing Carrie, being quite content with the original version from 1976. As the filmâ€™s release date kept getting pushed up, my interest in it waned even further, and had it not been for a friend who offered lunch and a ticket on him, I never would have seen it.
But I have seen it, so you donâ€™t have to. My initial reaction after walking out the theater was five things Iâ€™d rather do than see this steaming pile of pig excrement again:
1. Eat out Rosie Oâ€™Donnell
2. Stab my eyes with a rusty pair of scissors
3. Have a proctologic exam administered by Freddie Krueger
4. Join the Tea Party (or vote Democrat for those on the other side of the fence)
5. Listen to Kanye West rant about anything
I can already hear some saying Iâ€™m living and romanticizing the past, and I submit, you havenâ€™t seen this fucking movie. Anyone who defends this worthless, pool of vomit deserves to have their internet access revoked; But where to begin to illustrate my point? So many places, so manyâ€¦
Letâ€™s start with the acting. While Chloe Grace Moretz is a beautiful young lady, and quite talented, she shows all the range of a dried apple head-which is quite convenient, as Julianne Moore, as Carrieâ€™s mother, resembles one. There are points where Moreitz is on the verge of being good, but then stares into the camera and pouts. The supporting cast, particularly for the roles of Sue and Billy â€“ the two main villains â€“ are so bad, it defies description. Now itâ€™s not totally their fault. As theyâ€™re written, they are so one dimensional, so bland, so boring, thereâ€™s not much they can do. The direction of Kimberly Peirce certainly doesnâ€™t help.
Much was made of the fact that Peirce was going to bring something fresh and new to the story: and if you count bullying via YouTube, then she does, but thatâ€™s it! She has nothing new to add, and in fact the USA Channel version from 2002 is superior in almost every way. The pacing for the first half is so slow and interminable it could have been an ABC after school special. Well, not quite, as they were always well done.
One of the biggest issues I have is what on the surface a seemingly minor one. In the book, and the De Palma version, Carrie doesnâ€™t start researching telekinesis until later in the story, and even when the Prom sequence starts, sheâ€™s still slightly unaware of what she has, and what she can do. This is important to her character development, and to the story. Itâ€™s what keeps her a tragic figure and not a killer with intent. For whatever reason, screenwriter Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa moves this up earlier, so everything that comes after turns Carrie into a revenge seeking missile, and not the victim she truly is.
About that Prom scene: there are fleeting moments that are effective, but itâ€™s filled with so much awful CGI, youâ€™ll laugh instead of being scared. Also, if youâ€™re wondering about the shower scene, itâ€™s in there, but Iâ€™ve seen more skin at a Quaker gathering.
This is a movie that serves no purpose. It isnâ€™t scary, changes the nature of the main character, and is so inept in its direction and most of the acting (Julianne Moore, while apple faced, does turn in a credible if not exactly believable performance), that you wonder what they did in the time they had to fine tune between getting moved around the schedule.