AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON!!!FACT!!! AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON!!!FACT!!!
Just got home from seeing this and although I absolutely LOVED the first two thirds, the final act more or less completely falls apart.... AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON!!!FACT!!!

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Just got home from seeing this and although I absolutely LOVED the first two thirds, the final act more or less completely falls apart. What I loved most about Act One was seeing The Avengers acting as a team and wasting Hydra before being mindfucked by the Scarlett Witch. This added depth to each of them as it revealed their fears and certain truths about their personalities. I don’t have any complaints about this part of the film nor did I dislike Act Two when everyone took a breather at the Barton homestead. I was worried about this from what I’ve read but it was exactly what was needed and emphasized that the Avengers are about preserving life and beautifully countered the high tech action of the beginning. People have complained about the Banner/Black Widow shipping but their moment together and the revelation that neither can have children, for me, made this development absolutely necessary. Pretty much everything that happens right up until Wanda see’s into Ultrons mind was satisfying.

But when Act Three starts it all flies apart as I started to get restless and couldn’t wait for it to finish by the end. Add to that all of the stupid shit that begins to happen and I lost interest before it was over, namely…

Korean scientist takes a shot to the chest from Ultron and survives. But she was hot so I wouldn’t have minded getting the chance to give her a shot to the chest myself. Ever heard of a “pearl necklace”, well, my version is known as the “Mithril vest”!!!

I don’t care how strong Captain America is, Ultron is a huge robot and would have ripped his nuts off while they fight on top of the truck, not to mention that Cap takes three hits of Ultrons blaster and it doesn’t seem to have much effect.

Why the Hell did Ultron take Black Widow hostage?!? What purpose did it serve beyond allowing her to reveal his whereabouts to the team?! Oh and are you telling me that Ultron was stupid enough to leave her alone with a bunch of equipment that he should have known she would use to contact the Avengers?! You might say “oh, well, he was setting a trap” but that’s bullshit because his plan would have succeeded if they hadn’t of interfered. So allowing Widow to make contact with Stark and Co. only helped to defeat Ultron, I mean, it’s not like Ultron has a cock and couldn’t resist chaining Natasha to the wall of the dungeon naked as rain pours through the building and over her firm, supple breasts as the water trickles across her nipples, making her luscious milkers look like two playful whales begging to be motorboarded.

Ultron’s plan was fucking stupid. “Say, I’m going to levitate a city and drop it back to earth which will cause an extinction level event”!?! If my fucking toaster became self-aware and wanted to drive me mad by burning my fucking toast every day, THAT would have made more fucking sense that this dumb shit.

It felt like the movie was trying to rub Man of Steels nose into the sheer amount of carnage and destruction that was in that movie by having the Avengers fuck about for most of the third act with trying to evacuate civilians.  This shit got tiresome and although I said The Avengers are about preserving life, I’m happy enough if they save the planet and don’t give a fuck if nameless extras get snuffed. I’ll pour them a drop of my Colt 45 in their honor and go back to smacking my baloney to Scarlett’s fat milky preggo tits!

And after the opening action sequence at the castle, how is it that Ulton is able to set up shop in the very same castle with all of the equipment and robot bodies just left there when Stark would have had everything taken and shipped to his labs for study. Also, having the climax of the movie take place in the same city near the castle from the beginning made everything way too confined for a movie that also took in Seoul, Korea and Johannesburg, Africa. Also, no one gives a fuck if some Bumfuck Slavic city flies off into space as there’s more than enough run down shithole European cities filled with inbred cabbage eating cocksuckers who wont be missed.

When it comes to sequels, The Empire Strikes Back gets named dropped a lot because it’s one of the best films ever made and an example of a sequel that’s arguably superior to its predecessor. That’s not to say that Star Wars isn’t a masterpiece but sequels, like the second act of a movie, should be used to deepen and enrich the characters relationships to one another and make their struggle(s) harder to overcome which is what the third act if all about. Empire does that perfectly by flying in the face of convention. The bad guys win, the good guys barely survive and the whole thing ends on a downbeat note.  But that’s fine because Empire is the second act when the story needs to become darker, more emotional and visceral as the stakes are raised.

But Age of Ultron falls into the trap of trying to outdo the first Avengers movie by delivering a gigantic climax that’s absurd, even by comic book movie standards, and also disappointing because it falls into cliché which is why I checked out before the end. I expected more from Whedon who knows how to subvert expectations and whether it was by his own design, or he was pushed into it by Marvel, I don’t care because my heart sank as I realized that the movie finally settled for convention.

But the thing that disappointed me the most was Ultron himself and the fact that the movie didn’t have anything bigger on its mind. Don’t get me wrong, I really loved the metallic psycho but in Act 3 he just becomes a generic robot who wants to destroy the world. Whedon is a big fan of James Cameron and considered Ultron his opportunity to make his own Terminator film. But there was no exploration of the concept of artificial intelligence amongst the explosions. This was one of my biggest pet peeves about the Iron Man sequels which should have been about the development of technology and its impact on the world as all great science fiction is about ideas/concepts and how they affect the human condition. But there’s been very little of that in the Iron Man movies because that gets in the way of comic book heroics.

In AoU, Scarlett Witch plays upon Starks fear of what might be coming next for the earth after the invasion of New York. And he’s absolutely right to be afraid because although Captain America is good at spouting jigonistic and rather chilling platitudes that they’ll face the next fight together and die together if need be, Stark’s much more pragmatic in knowing that they only got through their first battle by the skin of their teeth and the team won’t be much use if an alien armada appears in earth orbit and starts pelting the planet with who knows what type of weaponry never mind that after the collapse of  S.H.I.E.L.D. there’s no longer a worldwide network dedicated to combat external threats. This is why he develops the Ultron program and his army of sentries.

Ultron should have been Stark’s attempt to create an advanced drone that could think for itself and lead in a battle since Iron Man can’t be everywhere at once and Tony’s very iffy about sparking off an armor war which is why he doesn’t share his tech with the USA or other nations. His mistake should have been to use the mind gem which made the program become self-aware. That kinda did happen but it only lead to Ultron becoming a “Murderbot” right from the start and determined to eradicate humanity.

A more interesting idea would have been for Ultron to gain life and decide that he didn’t want to be a puppet for war. What if his goal was to help the rest of the drone army evolve and this put him into conflict with Tony who sees the robots as his property designed to do a job. Then it becomes a civil rights issue as Stark argues that Ultron isn’t real because he’s a machine. This could have been used to tie The Vision into the story as Ultron tries to create a synthetic body of living tissue thus negating Tony’s argument. Age of Ultron should have been about turning Tony Stark into the bad guy because he believes he’s doing the right thing which would lead nicely into Civil War. There just wasn’t anything smart about the movies themes. Right from the start it’s ULTRON BAD!

Another thing that bothers me is that NO ONE DIES apart from Quicksilver and that’s ONLY because of the rights issues between Marvel and 20th Century Fox, who lent Whedon the character for his film (providing he didn’t live beyond AoU) when he could have simply created two new characters called Slipstream and The Crimson Queen and told Fox to fuck themselves. Since Marvel fucked up by not making a Black Widow movie, as they should have, they could have easily killed Natasha which would have fed perfectly into Banner leaving Earth (ala Planet Hulk) and at least given this movie a little bit of weight. Am I supposed to care about some Adidas tracksuit wearing eurotrash dye job who wears way too much fucking mascara like the metrosexual German techno club dancing faggot that he appears to be?! I don’t give a fuck about Pietro and only desire to use his big titted sisters orifices as a trashcan for my semen!

The Marvel Cinema Universe has succumbed to the law of diminishing returns at this point. I loved almost all of Phase One apart from Iron Man 2. But Phase Two has sucked fucking shit with the exception of Captain America: The Winter Soldier which was very well written and proved that you could made an intelligent comic book derived movie that also managed to throw in a bit of social commentary (as all good science fiction does) about the “War on Terror™” era we live in.

I didn’t hate Avengers: Age of Ultron. But I feel let down. The first two acts were excellent with NONE of the issues I heard people complaining about as far as I’m concerned, however, the 3D was shit since Whedon desaturated the color palette and cinematography which is another thing that got on my fucking nerves after how rich and vibrant the first film was. But the last act basically killed my overall enjoyment of this movie and will prevent me from seeing it again at the theater or buying it on Blu-ray. I’m relieved that the Russo Brothers, who directed Cap 2, are taking over for Avengers: Infinity War as The Winter Soldier blows away Age of Ultron, which didn’t stick the landing!!!FACT!!!

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Creepy Thin Man