Disclaimer: This is a “Dutch Santa movie”-free list.
Dutch movies, some of them are known around Europe, but most of them probably not. Let’s get one thing straight. I really don’t like Dutch cinema much. There is only one Dutch director who is good and that is Paul Verhoeven. The rest can’t cut it. Some of them are one hit wonders and that is good because sometimes they can surprise me. What I really hate about most Dutch movies is the robotic delivery of lines. It’s as if I am looking at some empty shells spewing out lines. It’s annoying and looks so artificial. Next to that there is this trauma of sex the Dutch movie makers seem to have. It’s as if a sex scene is a requirement in the movie. As for the actors… There is a reason Rutger Hauer and Famke Janssen are in Hollywood and the rest ain’t. I damn well suffer in Holland. I have never seen a Dutch action comedy being made let alone some good action movies. And if there is one thing I really hate it’s those artsy and pretentious directors trying to pass themselves like they are some kind of artists.
10. Grijpstra en De Gier (1979)
This movie was an adaptation of de Grijpstra en De Gier detective novels. It is a detective movie starring Rutger Hauer and my favorite Rutger Hauer role in Dutch movies. If you don’t know, Hauer is part of what I call the holy trinity of Dutch cinema. The other 2 are Paul Verhoeven and Famke Janssen. Holland will never get people like those again.
9. Ciske De Rat (1984)
This period piece was quite an ambitious movie. Normally I don’t like those kind of settings very much, but this movie gets a pass. Also probably because I saw this movie as a kid. Ciske De Rat (“Ciske, the Rat”) is a street urchin who lives with his mother. His father is always working traveling on a ship and hardly ever home. The mother doesn’t treat Ciske well and tensions build up. Ciske feels very alone and doesn’t have many friends. But then his father returns. Will his life change for the better?
8. Schatjes (1984)
Imagine you are a father, married to a crazy woman and having 4 bloody annoying kids. You hit the screwedpot for sure. This movie is about a father going nuts. At one time the children block the house so he can’t enter his own house. He tries everything to get into the house and that is kind of the movie. Home Alone before there was a Home Alone. Will he get into the house? Schatjes means Darlings in English. Well, with darlings like that I understand why people go ballistic.
7. Rabat (2011)
This is a road movie. It is a movie about a Maroccan guy that needs to deliver a taxi to his father in Marocco. So he leaves with 3 friends to deliver the taxi. This movie has some really funny moments, but I don’t know how well they would translate to a non-Dutch audience.
6. De Lift (1983)
The movie that scared me shitless as a kid. This movie was always talked about in high regard. It was a creepy movie about an elevator killing people. An odd theme for a movie, but needless to say that after watching that movie I got very wary of elevators for a long time. Probably Holland’s best horror movie.
5. Bum Fu (2004)
This is kind of a special movie. It was made by a bunch of friends as some kind of hobby. However, it is the best of the 2 martial arts movies that Holland ever produced. The other one Fighting Fish is worthless. The acting in Bum Fu is so-so and the sound is pretty bad at times, but the action scenes deliver. You can see the people were inspired by Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee and they do a good job with the fighting scenes. You watch this movie for the action, not for the acting, that’s for sure. This movie never got a release in the cinema and that is a shame. By the way, Bum Fu is the martial art of the bums.
4. New Kids Turbo (2010)
Hey, kut. Ja, jij kut. Houd je bek, kut. Wat? Kut? Kut. Kut. This hilarious movie even made my father laugh who doesn’t like movies very much at all. So that is at least one thing this movie managed to do and that was quite a feat. This movie was kind of a surprise. There used to be this tv show with short episodes called New Kids. It became so popular that they decided to make a movie. The movie became popular too. I never saw the tv show, but when I saw the movie I was surprisingly entertained. It’s a movie about some deadbeat slackers being deadbeat slackers. Some of them seem to be stuck in the 90s if you look at their clothing. Just a heads up, before you think everyone looks like that in Holland. And this movie used the word kut a lot. The word cut means vagina in English. In the context in the movie word is used to call someone a dumb shit. Mang, did I fool around with using that word. I think if you ask a Dutch person in what movie kut is used a lot they will all know it is New Kids Turbo.
3. Amsterdamned (1988)
I fucking hate Amsterdam, I really do. I don’t like the motherfuckers trying to sell me drugs. I don’t like the stench of pot. I don’t like looking at pillheads, whose heads resemble pills. I hate Ajax the football club and so on and so forth. There used to be this song called Mijn Stad, which means My City. In that song there was a phrase Amsterdam Is Poep Op De Stoep, which means Amsterdam is shit on the sidewalk. Truer words were hardly ever spoken. However, the movie Amsterdamned is a pretty cool thriller. There is a killer on the loose in Amsterdam. Ok, that happens a lot of movies, but the fact that it happens in Amsterdam with authentic Amsterdam scenery makes it pretty interesting. There is something raw about Amsterdam and it is shown pretty well in this movie. This is the best Dutch thriller ever made if you ask me and too bad there were never any sequels.
2. Interview (2003)
Some of you might have seen Interview with the awesome Steve Buscemi and the lovely Sienna Miller. Well, the Dutch Interview was the original movie. The director tried to make a superstar out of the national Dutch drunkard called Katja Schuurman. Katja Schuurman was a 2-bit soap actress, but it can’t be denied she has a lot of charisma and is probably the prettiest actress after Famke Janssen. After this movie I thought more positive of her. That woman can act when there is a good director to guide her. I have to say both the original and the remake are awesome movies. Why? For example, it’s only 2 actors carrying the whole movie. Those movies showed you don’t need a budget of millions to make an interesting and captivating movie. I miss movies like that these days.
1. Ober (2006)
This is by far the best movie ever made in Holland. I can hardly believe it was made in Holland. Holland needs more movies like this. The story is about the life of an ober ( waiter). The twist is, however, that his adventures are written by an author, that he talks to from time to time. The movie is absurd, hilarious by times and just one entertaining ride.