How bad is Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Meyers? It made me seriously reconsider finishing this series. Even as bad as a couple of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies were, none made me want to quit. H5 made me want to dig up the rotting corpse of Donald Pleasence and ask him why he agreed to be in this turd (and apologies to the turds who are upset being compared to the movie).Â I donâ€™t even know where to begin or what to say, Iâ€™m left speechless by this one.
Like everything, I suppose Iâ€™ll begin at the beginning. I did like the credits. In between title cards were quick flashes of a knife and the sound of it stabbing something. As the sequence progressed we see more and realize itâ€™s actually a pumpkin being carved. Â Itâ€™s well done and gives me a glimmer of hope that I may enjoy it as much as I did H4. We then see the last few minutes of H4, simply so they can set up the fact that they throw dynamite down the mineshaft MM had fallen into.
Before that can be done we see MM slinking away, and then becoming a human log flume ride, until he comes to rest at the shack of a hermit (for lack of a better word). Heâ€™s in a coma or something for a year, and comes to just in time for Halloween. Apparently the hermit had some remarkable medical skills to keep MM going all that time. Or maybe Loomis is right and heâ€™s not human, who knows? The writers sure donâ€™t (it took 3 of them to hammer this one out). To show his gratitude, MM kills the hermit, but spares his parrot. Mr. Shape makes his way to Haddonfield to finish what he wasnâ€™t able to in 4, namely kill his niece Jamie.
Jamie has spent the last year at a psychiatric facility for children, and been rendered mute due to the events of the previous movie. She also develops a psychic link with her Uncle MM, which is most often represented by her having a fit of some kind. Dr. Loomis is hanging around like a pedo at the playground and discovers her connection to him, and tries to convince the Sheriff that MM is still alive. In other words the same thing heâ€™s done in the last three movies. This time however, rather than being merely annoying and nutso, he became truly unlikable and very creepy. Iâ€™ll get to that shortly however, because itâ€™s really the basis for my rabid hatred ofÂ the movie.
As you might guess, MM continues his killing spree, and next up is Rachel, who you may remember is Jamieâ€™s older foster sister. For good measure he also kills the boyfriend of Rachelâ€™s incredibly annoying best friend with a three pronged garden trawl. Then in one of the few interesting scenes in the movie, he puts on the mask the boyfriend had and Tina mistakes him for the boyfriend. Itâ€™s amusing and creepy at the same time. Theyâ€™re all headed to a Halloween party at a farm, and before you can even wonder if thereâ€™s going to be a barn scene, we see the barn, and know that yes, there will indeed be a dimly lit barn scene. There was a lot of padding here as this entire bit goes on way too long. One character whose name I donâ€™t care to remember or look up, pretends to be MM, and this jump scare is used not once, not twice, but three times.Â Oh, and there are some kittens in the barn as well, none of whom look happy to be there, or be held. It was actually kind of funny watching the balls of fur trying to get out of their hands, and the actors holding on to them for dear life.
Jamie escapes the hospital with her new found friend, whatâ€™s his name, and the two youngâ€™uns head to the party at the barn. Things happen, blah, blah, blah, and MM chases Jamie and the boy through the woods in a car. And if possible, he drives even slower than he walks. Theyâ€™re two 10 year old kids, and heâ€™s driving a V8 and canâ€™t catch up to them, or make them into puddle of blood and bone? Some killer he is, hrmph. Of course Loomis shows up, sees Michael in the woods and tells him to go home and Jamie will be there.
Dr, CrazyPants sends the SWAT team on a wild goose chase to get them away from the old Meyers house, so he can confront and hopefully subdue or kill MM himself using Jamie as bait. This sets up the climax, which finds MM behind bars, Loomis with some more scars, and Jamie even more screwed up than she was before.
And I didnâ€™t even mention the man in black (and no I donâ€™t mean Johnny Cash).Â Who? You ask? Exactly I answer. Whoever he is, he breaks MM out of the holding cell, killing all the deputies in the process, leaving Jamie to wander through the dead bodies and see the blown apart empty cell.
Before Iâ€™m called an SJW or worse, let me say, I have no issue with children in danger. Hell, I wrote a scene like that in my book (available on Amazon for 99 cents!). What I do have a problem is when children are used and placed in danger when they donâ€™t need to. As I said earlier, Loomis went from annoying and crazy to unlikable in this installment. All he cares about is killing MM. He badgers, shakes, yells at Jamie throughout the whole movie, uses her as bait to lure Michael back to the house and for what? To feed his own ego and his own demons. He really cares nothing about Jamie, the same as he cared nothing about the other victims other than what information they could give him about MM.Â Itâ€™s an ugly turn of events, and completely unnecessary. Director and co-writer Dominique Othenin-Girard shows a complete lack of understanding of any of the characters. Not that any of them are especially complex, but he doesnâ€™t even try to keep any form of continuity with them. MM has ceased being MM and was turned into your run of the mill slasher. There are two points where he listens to Loomis and Jamie for a moment, not because the character would, but the script asked it of him. It was simply another pimp slap to the face of an iconic character.
I could go on, but I wonâ€™t. Instead, let me end on a positive note. Danielle Harris is so good, she made the movie worth watching, otherwise I would have turned it off and scrubbed myself with brillo to erase the memory of having sat through H5. The revenge is more Montezumaâ€™s revenge on the viewer and less MM taking revenge. Somewhere on the set, Ashton Kutcher was laughing about everyone getting Punkâ€™d.
Tomorrow, more on the man in black, and what the hell is Antman doing in a Halloween movie?