The Supernaughts officially rank the first six episodes of the Star Wars saga The Supernaughts officially rank the first six episodes of the Star Wars saga
That's right, the Supernaughts have joined forces to provide an official, definitive ranking of the George Lucas era Star Wars saga. The Supernaughts officially rank the first six episodes of the Star Wars saga

That’s right, the Supernaughts have joined forces to provide an official, definitive ranking of the George Lucas era Star Wars saga, soon to be extended even further thanks to our new Sith Lords at Disney. 21 of the finest writers, podcasters, and guest writers of the Supernaughts turned in their individuals rankings of each film, from best to worst, such that we could compile this written in stone judgement.

Will there be any surprises? Stick around until the end to find out. But before we get to the numbers, let’s see what some of our contributors and friends had to say about the individual films, starting with the first film in the timeline.


Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

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Puck Propaganda: Rank 5

There is a lot to like about The Phantom Menace, and I mean a lot: Darth Maul, Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan, the lightsaber duels, John Williams’ score, Senator Palpatine, podracing, and even Padmé Amidala. However, everything that works is dragged down kicking and screaming by what doesn’t, most notably Jake Lloyd’s horrible non-acting as Anakin Skywalker and Jar Jar frickin’ Binks. Hell, the Gungans in general are garbage, but Jar Jar is the kind of shit even garbage wouldn’t want to be around. Then there’s the mishandling of the whole midi-chlorians thing, a mediocre script, some terribly awkward dialogue, overuse of toilet humour, and Lucas’ average at best directorial skills. Nonetheless, I still very much enjoy the film. It’s good, just nowhere near as good as the worst film in the original trilogy.

Orcus: Rank 6

Basically 2+ hours of exposition. Yes, it had a beginning, middle, and end, but it didn’t really accomplish anything. It wasn’t so much a movie as opposed to a flashback that could have been edited into the other prequel trilogy films. Aside from the podrace and Darth Maul, there wasn’t a whole lot to take away from this. The only way to improve this movie would be to treat it as a silent film with placards providing the info dumps to John Williams’ soundtrack.

AsimovLives: Rank  6

…because it’s kinda dull, it has Jar Jar Abrams, sorry I mean Jar Jar Binks, and, well, Binks really is enough reason. Cool lightsaber duel though!

Kyle: Rank 4

Yep. That’s right (spoilers), I rated The Phantom Menace above Return of the Jedi. What can I say? Darth Maul, Ewan McGregor, and the podrace go a LONG way for me.

Joe: Rank 6

A weak back pedalling for the mythos and more racist caricatures with Black, Japanese, and Jewish stereotypes front and center.  There were good elements, but Jar Jar alone would be reason enough to burn the negative.

I know that there is an argument that Jar Jar was an attempt to appeal to younger consumers. Mike Nesmith of the Monkees once said that you can entertain a three year old by chewing with your mouth open, but that is not what you should be doing. There is also an argument that it is important to have things to disgust your elders to fulfill personality development. The same people think they can take gallons of alcohol without getting negative physical effects and can frequently be seen hitting themselves in the head with a hammer to cure a toothache.

Uh huh. Nah. You had enough young asshole rebellion in Anakin, who at no time is challenged on his percolating hormones being responsible for his decisions. He is shown to be a tool and nothing more. One hopes Padmé’s genes are dominant in the kids. But we will find out about that in a few days, won’t we?

Dee: Rank 5

I guess Lucas wanted to recreate the feeling of A New Hope with his return to the saga and adapted its pacing, which was not a good idea in this case. This is not the story of a farm boy on a desert planet who finally escapes his boring life, we are instead following two experienced heroes in a fully fledged universe already.

Good grief, that movie really wastes a lot of time on nothing, going back and forth without accomplishing a lot. Who knows why Lucas wanted to reuse the dynamic of the three simultaneous, interconnected showdowns from Return of the Jedi, a decision that was destined to lead to unfavourable comparisons. And I did not even mention kid Anakin and Jar Jar yet.

A few saving graces keep this instalment from hitting the bottom of my ranking, like Neeson’s strong presence, Darth Maul’s lightsaber skills, and the podrace. With the battle droids, the sea creatures, and the yellow star fighters, this movie can also boast some neat designs. A very unwieldy experience.

Scott: Rank: 6

Watching this was a Menace…to my sanity.

Next page: Anakin really hates sand

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DetectiveDee

Detective Dee reviews movies and sometimes TV-series. He likes to indulge in the Asian cinema, exploitation flicks and the horror genre but is no stranger to Blockbuster culture either. He writes whatever he wants, but always aims to entertain.

  • I_am_better

    Oh, shoelaces – I coulda actually written a few lines about them in my rating…

  • Sorry, my bad….. there was a line about that in the e-mail, but I am afraid I wasn’t that clear, some others asked me too 🙁

  • I_am_better

    I was so goddamn busy that I didn’t probably read the email properly

  • Sagamanus

    Oh god. I see that everyone wrote snippets, and then there is me blathering over 3 giant paragraphs. I overestimated what Dee really wanted. Sorry.

  • Sagamanus

    I hope the entire Internet sees this.

  • No, it’s perfect. I would have told you if not. It should be varied.

  • you have to help if this shall be realized

  • Sagamanus

    I will Tweet it wherever it needs to go. And try to promote it elsewhere too.

  • CoolHandJuke

    I saw the phantom menace three times in theaters back in 99. The only other movie to do match that for me was the Dark Knight…

  • Sagamanus

    Some of the Ewok stuff isn’t too bad really. They’re not really annoying. It’s Lucas’s humor that thinks burping is funny. I guess that was funnier in the eighties, but I wasn’t laughing.

  • Sagamanus

    Yeah Neeson is the only saving grace, but he was destined to die as Lucas wants Gandalf ghost down the road. Although we didn’t get to see him, did we? I haven’t watched the terrible three for a while…a long while.

  • Sagamanus

    If someone wants to like the prequels it’s none of my business. I’m not super-emotional about Star Wars really. I just put some thoughts out on what I saw.

  • I_am_better

    My individual comments:

    1. Empire Strikes Back:
    – everything in it is properly balanced. A Classic masterpiece.

    2. A New Hope:
    – flawless pulp-scifi movie. Great introduction to this world. Hate the subsequently added digital stuff .

    3. Return of the Jedi:
    – great conclusion; begins with a proper lighter tone after the ESB climax until it goes into the epic finale. Hate EVERYTHING that has been added in subsequent releases, especially the Vader’s “NO!” in the Bluray-release.

    4. Revenge of the Sith:
    – has two of the best scenes in the prequels; the opera scene and the wordless scene between Anakin and Pad,e in the two separate buldings. The fight scenes are great – except some daft comedy in the opening battle. Love everything that Ian McDiarmid does.

    5. Attack of the Clones:
    – some good battle scenes, love Christopher Lee & Obi-Wan’s detective story. The Padme & Anakin love story makes me cringe, as does pretty much all of Hayden Christensen’s “acting”.

    6. The Phantom Menace:
    – a Bantha Poodoo-sandwich, with one great podrace.

  • Sagamanus

    “Get a load of Padmé dying of “a broken heart.”

    Ha. Yep.

  • I_am_better

    My favorite thing is “when I met your father, he was already a great pilot…”

  • I_am_better

    But that argument has already been had before

  • Sith Vicious

    1. Empire

    2. A New Hope

    3 Jedi

    4. Space Balls

    5.Attack of the Clones

    6.Revenge of The Sith

    7.Ewoks: The Battle for Endor

    8. The Star Wars Christmas Special

    9. Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure

    10. The Phantom Menace

  • I_am_better

    “Jabba the Puck”

    LMMFAO

  • well, he didn’t exactly specified what kind of pilot, so a pod racer pilot kinda counts…
    … yeah, they did made it all up as they went along.

  • I_am_better

    Well, he did find that Autopilot-button in the end after fairly few attempts….

  • It’s like we reversed places. Usually it’s me who write long winded texts and this time I kept them one line long.

  • Still more plausible than a farm boy being able to be a skilled dog fighter pilot.

  • I_am_better

    I was so busy with the podcast recording/editing-thing that I didn’t even notice that bit. My snippets above

  • I_am_better

    That actually brings some continuity – weirdly…

  • I don’t hate them either, but some of their scenes got too much room.

  • franks_television

    I’d put Phantom Menace above Attack of the Clones. Darth Maul was kind of cool but there was absolutely nothing redeeming about Episode II.

  • franks_television

    Other than that I agree with the overall rankings. Thought Empire would win by a larger margin.

  • Where would Moonraker fit in there?

  • I_am_better

    No.1, of course!

  • Homeward Bound Zissou

    Who are Joe and Kyle?

  • Toruk_Makto

    1. The Empire Strikes Back
    2. Star Wars – A new hope
    3. Return of the Jedi
    4. The Phantom Menace
    5. The revenge of the Sith

    I’m sorry but Attack of the clones was cartoony garbage in the worst kind of way. “We’ll have to decide this with our laser swords”. Make me fucking vomit.

    Cheesy, [bad] video game fluff.
    No weight .
    No gravitas.

    I’m absolutely stunned Lucas was able to bring the train back on track in time for Revenge of the Sith. I applaud you Sir, I did not think that was possible.

  • The fucking ewoks are fucking shit!!!

  • CoolHandJuke

    1. a new hope
    2. empire
    3. The PowerPuff Girls’ guy’s Clone Wars cartoons
    4. revenge of the sith / return of the jedi
    5. phantom menace
    6. that fat bitch who gave me the clap
    7. attack of the clones

    video games:
    1. episode 1: racer
    2. Star Wars Trilogy in the arcade
    3. Rogue Squadron
    4. Knights of the Old Republic
    5. Masters of Teras Kasi – unplayable in the year 2015

    books:
    1. that one about the rise of darth bane
    2. shadows of the empire
    3. that comic where middle aged Obi Wan fights cyborg Maul with toddler Luke in attendance. it also had a Walt Disneyed Sifa Dias in the one about Grievous.

    random WTF:
    1. Darth Vader stabbing his lightsaber through his chest in order to kill Darth Maul in a fanboy wank.
    2. Indiana Jones finding Han’s skeleton and Chewie is bigfoot.
    3. a planet falling on Chewie
    4. Leia’s coked out eyes signing the life day song / her coke nail in Empire.
    5. that one Hutt’s Truman Capote-esque voice in that stupid Clone Wars movie. Also, “Sky Guy”

  • The hosts of our upcoming podcast “The horse meat bolognese lasagna”.

  • Orcus

    Like

    Sorry, wrong platform

  • Almost done my rewatch before seeing VII tomorrow. Used the Rister order (IV, V, I, II, III, VI) and I’m in the middle of III currently. Episode II still sucks.

  • Kenchun24

    I just saw Star Wars, and it was good…

    ….now on to Empire Strikes Back. Heard that one is really really good.

  • Kenchun24

    Fun SW listing too SN folks.

  • Stalkeye

    “5 shoryukens outta 5”!

    http://i37.tinypic.com/29m2hyx.gif

  • phantomcreeps .

    Fuck you

  • CoolHandJuke

    what about the horse i rode in on? that sexy mare is standing right over there with a come hither look in her eyes…

  • KilliK

    The Force Awakens >>> Everything else.

  • Check back in 2 hrs or so….

  • Ollie

    ^Who let this Asshole in? *HISSES*

  • Ollie

    Brilliant breakdown!! And I concur with the entire list but man did that love scen from AOTC leave a bad taste in my mind. It looks like Box cover photography for a Goddamn Cialis product. I would PS this bitch but I’m too lazy.. got shit to do yanno.

    http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/12200000/Episode-II-Attack-of-the-Clones-Anakin-Padm-screencap-the-skywalker-family-12213489-700-300.jpg

  • Stalkeye

    LMMFAO@”More like Return of the bargain bin Muppets.”

    Yes, if ROTJ had any flaws, aside from Ford phoning his part in and the Boba goin out in the stupidest way, I would definitely say those damn Jawas brought it down a notch or too. To top it off Georgie removed the Yub nub song with some silly ass tune. WTFF!!!

  • Let the fun begin!

  • So that’s like 4 bad things. There has been movies declared to be shit for a lesser number of bad things.

  • Is that the singular you, the plural you or the royal you?

  • It’s OK.

  • You should had just stick to the Jabba palace and the Emperor Throne Room scenes, it would quicken your viewing. It’s the only parts of the movie that matters, anyway.

  • Free loaders?

  • I suspect the opinion of anybody who has a virulent negatvie opinion on the prequels. Except The Phantom Menace, because Jar Jar Abrams… sorry, i mean jar Jar Binks was terrible.

  • I’d trade ROTJ with AOTC because of how much i fucking hated the fucking teddy bears fucks, Ford utter boredom and bad acting, and the recycling of the plot of SW6 in ROTJ and how much i loved Lee and Obi-Wan going Philip Marlow on AOTC.

  • What terrible 3?

  • Stalkeye

    I still liked ROTJ in spite of the clusterfucks. Also add in “5” as in the Ghost of Darth Vader!! “This deal is getting worse all the time”!
    BTW I’m hearing great things about TFA ergo, I will eventually check it out for myself once the crowd clears. XD

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    For me, this miserable pile of shit sits right at the bottom of the bowl. I am absolutely disgusted right now. JJ actually UNDERSHOT my pitiably low expectations.

    The Phantom Menace is a MASTERPIECE by comparison.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Boy, are you in for a shock!

  • Stalkeye

    That should make Asi happy! XD
    I’ll reserve judgement till I get around to it.

  • Sagamanus
  • Stalkeye

    Have no clue who “Joe” is but Kyle might be either Kyle Fulton from Jack Random’s Podcast or Kyle from the old days of Talkbacker. (However, he’s working for Billy’s site last I had seen him.)

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    I don’t think he particularly cares either way, but I do.

    I’m not joking or exaggerating, either. When you see it you may disagree, but in my opinion it was one of the worst I’ve seen in many years.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    It is true..sadly.

  • Last page of article says who most are.

  • Stalkeye

    Oh, Shit. I guess that explains why Critics were not allowed at screenings.
    Dayum, is it Age of Ultron bad? 😛

  • Stalkeye

    Fuck, I went straight for the articles.
    Well, at least I got a mention near the end of the page.
    Yay!! (0=

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    It’s much worse than Age of Ultron. Age of Ultron was only average. This is downright bad. I’ll try to post a detailed review over the course of the weekend to explain my position.

    There are already some fanboys and fanboy critics slobbering over the movie, though. I don’t see how anyone can truthfully say this is a good movie, and I think once January and February hit and the zealots are forced to appraise it in the cold light of day, the reaction may be very different.

    And this opinion isn’t merely “JJ sucks” hyperbole on my part (although he does). The script was atrocious (nay nonexistent), and demonstrably so.

    Whatever; I must get my frazzled brain around this turkey first. I feel like I’ve suffered a traumatic accident.

  • Toruk_Makto

    Most critics aren’t going to trash this movie. It would be like punching a pretty chick who tries to suck you off.

    She’s only giving you what she thought you wanted.

    Which is exactly what this unimaginative, regurgitative tripe tries to do.

  • Stalkeye
  • Stalkeye

    <—-Would never punch a pretty chick especially if she's trying to suck me off!! XD

  • Toruk_Makto

    Such is the power of JJ.

  • Stalkeye

    Yeah, its called Payola!

  • Toruk_Makto

    It’ll definitely make bank.

  • Stalkeye

    $215 million for an opening weekend says so. Shit, I’m in the wrong end of business!

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    This first week will be huge, but I have absolutely no fear of this movie becoming the all-time top grosser now. There’s little repeat value in it and I think mixed-to-negative WOM will spread quickly.

    The current gushing is coming from slavering fanboys, Harry Knowles-types, and “professional” fanboys like the idiotic Patton Oswalt. I wonder what Simon Pegg thinks? (That last was rhetorical, BTW: I can already guess and I don’t care.)

  • Toruk_Makto

    It would be great if the mass populace would prove for once they aren’t complete suckers.

    I can understand not being completely happy with your life and looking around for ways to escape from time to time. But the blind, drooling allegiance to a brand name from some of these cats is really, really disturbing.

  • Stalkeye

    Metacritic gave it an 81%, “Hrrmm..”
    These reviews are from the most respected Film critics!! Well, I’ll be damned!!

    http://www.metacritic.com/movie/star-wars-episode-vii—the-force-awakens

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    I hope so. I don’t think many outside the Star Wars zombie crowd are going to be particularly enamored with this film. It doesn’t really deliver what the causal audience would expect or want.

  • Phillyflopper

    The thing that always bugged me was never seeing the B-Wing’s in action. That promo pic of the Star Destroyer blowing up while the B-Wings flew away have always left me curious to know what the story was.

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Yeah, the percentages are going down rapidly. It’s funny to watch many of the AICN crowd jumping aboard the initial RT/Metacritic/IMDB scores over the last twenty four hours, as if they somehow prove the movie’s quality.

    Somebody explained it elsewhere: the movie wasn’t screened for critics, and many of those awarding it absurd scores are mindless fanboys, half of whom haven’t seen the movie yet. I think TFA’s rating begun at something like 9.7 on IMDB!

  • Toruk_Makto

    You may be right indeed. I was just over at imdb. Not a lot of happy campers.

  • I would love to think the same, and then see Donald Trump’s popularity, and realize they’re suckers, and stupid to the Nth degree.

  • I have being heard all kinds of things from that movie, good and bad, meaning the circus is about the explode! Fantastic! More then the movie itself, it’s the circus I’m eager to see.

  • KilliK

    TURD! Just woke up and I am going to read your posts. please, tell me this movie proved all our worst fears, that I was right in that long post of mine a few days ago, where I described the problems of the plot and the two mistakes JJ did, regarding the tone and Luke.

  • KilliK

    Faraci was not thrilled about the movie either. Not only he is not lavishing over it as someone would expect from such a slimy sycophant, but when his only repetitive defense is “but it’s better than the prequels”, then you realize how much shitty this movie must actually be. oh boy, cant wait for next week to watch it.

    here is his review:

    http://birthmoviesdeath.com/2015/12/16/star-wars-the-force-awakens-review

  • Stalkeye

    Behold!!

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    It exceeded our worst fears. I expected a competent, though dull, remake of ANH, and while the movie was certainly an uninspiring retread, it was far worse than that thanks to a number of other missteps. A merely competent rehash would have been a blessing in retrospect. TFA is, IMO, the worst Star Wars movie to date. By far.

    And the movie DID end exactly as we predicted. EXACTLY. I couldn’t believe it. Based on his past work, I knew JJ would try SOMETHING like that, and so I exaggerated those traits to irritate his supporters, but I didn’t expect him to follow that blueprint to the letter. And to think all those JJ fanboys shouted us down for months and stridently denied our claims, eh?

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Bwahahahahahaha!!! This is the oaf who gave Terminator Salvation a good review, lest we forget, so that serves as an indication of just how poor TFA really is.

    He is wrong in one respect, however. The movie IS worse than the prequels. He could never bring himself to admit that without completely losing his mind. He has to take comfort somewhere, even if it’s in a lie.

  • “But the blind, drooling allegiance to a brand name from some of these cats is really, really disturbing.”

    And this is what is slowly turning me off from the SW movies. It’s getting harder and harder to see those movies for what they are as just movies, it’s getting impossible for me to remove the mindless fandomnism from them, they are polluted.

  • Toruk_Makto

    They are polluted. I actually don’t care about Star Wars anymore. Not episode 8, not episode 9. not the spinoffs…or basically any more additions. I only care about what George did, after him I’m done.
    I do care about JJ Abrams. At least now I do. I was okay to leave him alone with his crappy shows. I was okay to leave him to his pathetic Spielberg imitations. But when he messed with my Star Trek he awoke the sleeping dragon. For this offense there must be a recompense.

  • A strong punch in his dick… i mean, nose.
    But really, the best punishment for Pickle would be for one of his movies to flop so hard it would make Heaven’s Gate look like Avatar in comparison.