Vampyres (1974): Not ready for Hammer time! [NSFW!!] Vampyres (1974): Not ready for Hammer time! [NSFW!!]
Stalks delivers a not so encouraging review of what is considered a cult classic to many horror enthusiasts. Vampyres (1974): Not ready for Hammer time! [NSFW!!]

 

 

Part Vampire, part slasher and for the most part -softcore porn!

Synopsis: In Director José Ramón Larraz’s 1974 British cult favorite, Vampyres, A lesbian vampire couple waylay and abduct various passer-bys, both male and female, to hold them captive at their rural manor in the English countryside in order to kill and feed on them to satisfy their insatiable thirst for blood. The prologue of this Eroto-Horror “Chick Flick” begins as we see a couple of lesbian women: Fran and Miriam making love, only for some unseen intruder to interrupt and kill them both via handgun.

Starts with a bang..

Starts with a bang..

...and continues with a "BANG"!

…and continues with a “BANG”!

Sometime afterwards, we see Ted, on a business trip decides to pick up a sultry but mysterious redhead hitchhiker. Ah, ya gotta give the seventies credit for one thing and that was having one-nighters without fearing consequences ….well, that is until Ted awakens with a sliced arm and not to mention, his jump-off Fran has gone missing! Noting, absolutely nothing says exploitative than having a guy with a huge gash on his arm and instead of his Lover trying to treat the open wound, she strips and fucks him. Unless her pussy has mystical healing properties, this scene was way off the mark!
VAMPYRES2 (1)

Throughout the film, the deadly Dracula duo intentionally use their “charms” when luring random strangers to the Castle for Wining and Dining! However, despite all their victims are offed one by one via stabbings, Ted is the only one who has remained unscathed. Instead Fran had kept him alive for the purpose of being used as “food supply”. It’s somewhat obvious that she must have developed feelings for him since he didn’t end up the same prey as the others.

"Certainly not my idea of a Threeway"!

“Certainly not my idea of a Threeway”!

v9

Asi, this ones for you Boyo! 😛

Vampyres‘ pacing contains plenty of slow burns especially during the first 24 minutes. And had it not been for its exploitative material featuring copious amount of coital scenes to help ease the boredom, I may have given this Chick Flick a much lower rating.

That being said, the exploitative scenes of eroticism aren’t enough to redeem the boring storyline and that’s very unfortunate because, there really could’ve been something great regarding the arc between Ted and Fran like some doomed romance Instead, the final 10 minutes were like some rushed effort to wrap things up sans any catharsis whatsoever. Needless to say that there was no explanation of why the gun wielding stranger from the beginning of the film, killed Fran and her lover, Miriam. What was his true motive?

"I guess I'm all that and a Bag of Crisps after all".

“I guess I’m all that and a Bag of Crisps after all”.

Was he some hateful homophobic who out of hatred for gays, decided to pick off some scissor lovers or was he just some accomplice for a vampiric cult who had “chosen ” the couple as the castle gatekeepers?
How did Fran and Miriam become Vampires in the first place?? Also, what made Ted so special that he wasn’t disposed of immediately? What made him so special that Fran held onto him for so long? A better tongue than Miriam?

"Dont flatter yourself you bloody Sod. Theres a short blood supply so I guess you'll have to do....me."

“Dont flatter yourself you bloody Sod. Theres a short blood supply so I guess you’ll have to do….me.”

The score was mediocre at best with the noted exception of the eerie sound that is all too familiar to Lucio Fulci’s Zombi but Vampyres debuted eight years prior to Fulci’s venerable shocker. The acting is as wooden as a stake and a coffin. Vampyres, despite its racy material, does not hold a candle to most if not all of Hammer’s traditional vampire films.

"Bitches, leave"!

“Bitches, leave”!

.

However, If you’re into lesbian vampire scissor action, then by all means give Vampyres a watch. Just don’t expect a solid story.

Stalks, out!

Ah, you beautiful Ladies could've been a contender.

Ah, you beautiful Ladies could’ve been a contender. Fran: “There’s always Twilight, you Fucking Wanker”!

 

PS
What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend while leaving?

“See you next Month”.

Author Image

Stalkeye

Stalkeye= anagram of Stalker and Snake Eyes. Satirist, Gamer, Artist and Pop Culture commentator- Stalks offers his outspoken views on on most things Geek related as well as WTF is wrong with the world today!

  • CoolHandJuke

    70’s boobs just looked different…

  • PURCHASE

    I will see this film

  • haha that crap’s right up my alley

  • spinkles

    Awesome, Stalks!
    I really enjoyed this.
    ????

  • Stalkeye

    Thanks, Toddy! I guess that you would give my article/review 3 Monkey Heads out of 4? (;’

  • Stalkeye

    Less silicone, I take it?

  • spinkles

    ????????????????!!!

  • Stalkeye

    Thank you kindly, good sir! (0=

  • I find your lack of enthusiasm for this movie disturbing.

  • It’s down my alley and it’s not crap. I really like this movie.

  • Then Stalks undersells it.

  • Indeed.

  • Tarmac492.1

    Great article!!! probably one of the more enjoyable movies to review 😉

  • Stalkeye

    But Asi, I gave you a namedrop at least. 😛
    But seriously, my problems that came from this film is the pacing and plot elements. It was a slow burn with sex scenes implemented to keep the viewer tuned. Then during the final 10 minutes, it picks up the pace. Um, yeah.

  • Stalkeye

    Personally Dee, I didn’t care for it and my explanation justifies why. feel free to see for yourself if you can actually find this movie. I rented it on Amazon Video and some of it was well invested but as a whole, Buyer’s remorse.

  • Stalkeye

    You just like it for the Fan service.

    Amirite?

  • Stalkeye

    You can always put out an counter argument opinion piece. C’mon Asi, lets see how well you defend this film.
    I double dare ya.

  • haha, I will check it out and then agree with either you or Asi

  • It’s not that i wouldn’t accept the dare, it’s that i’m suffering from a a massive bout of writer’s block.

  • Stalkeye

    STFU You can do it! 😛

    You have the talent, the passion and the drive but that being said, it’ll come to you when you least expect it.

  • Tarmac492.1

    those luscious 70’s breasts could maybe even allow Lindleawful to write something decent. Someone that has talent and passion like you should be able to write some Hemingway prose.

  • Bop

    Ha, ha.

  • Bop

    Give me those classic beauties over most Hollywood “beauties” any day.

  • I listened to the audio comentaries for Promehteus, you know? One of them is from the two writers, one of which is Lindelof. If i had any doubts he is an idiot, listening to him dispelled them. One of his most hilarious moments is when he tells that when at 16 he saw alien and Blade Runner, he though both movies happened in the same universe and all because Scott reused some computer graphics from one movie on the other, a common practice that filmmakers did at the time to save on production costs (same reason why movies used the same sound effects time and again from a library). I saw Blade Runner when i was 15 and alien when i was 16 and even then i knew that the two movies were not part of the same universe and the inclusion of the same graphics was merely practical considerations or at the most an in-joke.
    Lindelof is a text book case of a pretentious. Pretentious is not being smart or intellectual, pretentious is you having delusions of intellectuality but not being able to pull it off. It’s the intellectual version of the emperor’s new clothes.

    Sorry for going off-topic but i couldn’t resist.

  • Tarmac492.1

    He is terribly thin skinned as well. Also, if he saw them when he was eight or ten, I could understand. 16 is too old for such childish thoughts or make pretends, and misunderstandings. He was born in 73 so 89 he was 16 and he thought this nonsense? These movies had been out quite awhile and, even pre internet, there should have been enough info to dispel such thoughts. He is From New Jersey. Figures.

  • I’m from my country’s version of New Jersey and if he had said those things in front of any movie geek from my area he wouldbe laughed off like a fool.

  • Jack Randomm

    I haven’t seen this in years! It’s in the same vein of another fave, Vampire Circus. Well worth the watch.

  • Tarmac492.1

    He truly is a tool