The Black Cat (Written by Ollie the Cat)
Ollie: Hey there jerkoffs! I know plenty of you expected “Stalkereye” to show up and write his long winded articles with MTV Video clips and shit but not today! uh-uh, you fuckers are stuck with me for the time being and since I’m here, I thought I’d do my part and post a horror- themed review …since it’s almost Halloween n Shit.
And speaking of which, what often comes to mind when you think of Halloween? Ok, not just Candy and not that old tradition of fucktards pelting people with eggs. I’m talking about Black Cats of course!
Based on an Edgar Allen Poe story and directed by that Guido Goremeister himself, Lucio Fulci, The Black Cat (Il Gatto Nero in Italian) is about a mysterious feline who goes around murdering the local villagers in England (…speaking of England, I wonder if he offed my brother Sky by any chance). However there’s a twist. Y’see, the cat’s owner is Robert Miles played by Patrick Magee who was previously, a college professor and get this…he’s some sort of medium that records “audio” from the graves of the deceased…with a microphone! Uh, yeah.
What the fuck is this, Brian DePalma’s Blowout?
Come to think of it, this is the perfect segue to point out that the composer of Black Cat is the same guy from that movie, Pino Donaggio, who in fact does a remarkable intro theme with a montage of the titular cat walking through the English village right after causing a fatal car crash of some poor dumb bastid.
As you can see from the thumbnail above, there’s the name of the actress Mimsy Farmer who serves as the female protagonist- Jill Trevers. (Sounds a bit too familiar like those characters from the Resident Evil- games if you ask me.) Jill, an American Tourist/Photographer discovers a microphone left on the floor nearby an open crypt while taking pictures for her Scrapbook.
Regardless of the warning from the local police Sergeant (Al Cliver) who told her that the dead don’t like to be disturbed, this nosy bitch disregards the “Po-po’s” slice of advice and ventures further into unraveling the mystery of the mini-microphone which leads her into the path of the Professor. While lecturing her on the barriers of perception, Miles makes an attempt to hypnotize Jill but to no avail thanks to a certain furry fiend????
Meanwhile, a horny-ass teenage couple, who locked themselves in some airtight room so they can fuck, only to get fucked!
After the unfortunate circumstances of the missing teens, and a few other “accidents” fear and suspicion draws closer around the reclusive Professor and his “friend”. What is the bizarre connection between Miles and the Black Cat?
This here film is a standout from Lucio’s traditional Spaghetti sauce splatterfests because in spite of a few violent deaths, they weren’t over the top when compared to the likes of Zombi, New York Ripper, City of the Living Dead etc.
The Black Cat is more like a Supernatural mystery tale with the emphasis on what were the cat’s motives for killing the innocent villagers? I was impressed by some of the cinematic imagery and one in particular, would be the fog covered graveyard scene which gives off that common spooky element trope, but very effective nonetheless. That being said, “Il Lucio” should have shown more T&A but at least there was one scene involving a bare breasted Female….decomposed….*Runs to Litter Box to puke Hairballs*
That being said, there were too many eye close ups of the main characters in this movie. It’s almost reminiscent of that tense standoff between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris in Way of the Dragon.
In spite of any shortcomings, this here Cat, highly recommend that you give Il Gatto Nero a watch. Its not “Puuurrrrfect” (Bet you didnt see that one comin!) but its a worthy ol Fulci classic just for that Special spooky occasion .