Paradoxically, it’s tough to write a song addressing the very act of love-making that is sexy. Yet, many still tried and subsequently failed- with hilarious results.
Here is a short list of unintentionally hilarious, but dangerously catchy songs about intercourse. For this list, I excluded intentionally “funny” entries, like spoof songs. No musical genre was taboo.
“I Wanna Sex You Up”
by Color Me Badd
Oh vey, someone’s trying reaaally hard to sound smooth and steamy! Too hard maybe, but that just adds to the (unintentional) entertainment value. Yeah kids, that’s the kind of stuff that was once considered as “risky”!
“Can I Touch You…There?”
by Michael Bolton
First, this song starts with a pan flute. Everybody who grew up with 80s/90s softcore movies instantly remembers that this sound once signalized that things are getting seriously sexay.
Funniest thing about this piece of work is that Bolton seems to think that the line “Can I touch you there?” gets the ladies’ motors running on turbo. Don’t try it at home, it will only make you look a) insecure/inexperienced and/or b) like someone who doesn’t know the anatomically correct expressions.
“Pop That Pussy”
by 2 Live Crew
Speaking of anatomically correct expressions, at least you can count on the 2 Live Crew not being afraid to name them. “Pop That Pussy” might even succeed to top their hit “Me So Horny” in terms of being vaguely crude and offensive, although mostly just stupid, but damn is it catchy.
by the Vengaboys
Eurodance is always a good source for unsubtle metaphors for makin’ whoopee. Like this wonderful tune by the reliably entertaining Vengaboys. The video is a piece of art in itself! Sexy, sexy art!
“My Bed is Too Big”
by Blue System
Blue System was an early 90s solo project by the in Europe insanely/shamefully successful German singer/ song writer /pop music- producer / human disaster Dieter Bohlen, founded his split from the also bafflingly successful Eurotrash- pop duo Modern Talking. This delightfully cringe-worthy song, pure unfiltered camp that is touchingly devoid of any self-reflection, sounds like and is as sexy as a bumper car ride under the influence.
“Help Me Dr. Dick”
Eurodance again, this time I am not even sure if we could talk about “metaphors”. E-Rotic was a Dance Pop- project that exclusively focused on songs with “sexy”, often pun-based lyrics, producing gems like “Oh Willy use a Billy”, “Fred, Come to Bed” or “Max Don’t have Sex with your Ex” . Fun fact: If you are playing the songs of their debut album “Sex Affairs” in the correct order, the lyrics connect into a story! It’s a Eurodance-opera!
by Starland Vocal Band
Obligatory entry. This is the musical equivalent to a 70s porn stache. Gotta love the country-sound, I guess a lot of cousins made out to this little tune back in the day/hay.
Guest choices by the Supernaughts- music mastermind Nick Nightly!
“Knockin’ da Boots”
Nick: “Great groove, but those lyrics are hilarious.”
by Clarence Carter
Nick: “Clarence Carter made many a great songs. This is not one of them.”