Yep, Christmas is almost over and I am a little late with my X-Mas- related article this year. Whatever, here it is.
Christmas songs: Some hate them, some love them, but I think most of us do both at the same time. At least I feel that way.
And there are a few Christmas songs that are actually quite horrible, but they are either catchy, amusing or have any other undefinable quality that renders them irresistible in my ears.
Without further ado, here we go:
Boney M: “Mary’s Boy Child”
Nothing spreads the Christmas spirit more than “Mary’s Boy Child” in the version of our favourite Reggae- Europop- fusion band from the 70s, Boney M.
The Cheeky Girls: “Have a Cheeky Christmas”
I’ve always been a fan of the work of the Cheeky Girls and I am not ashamed to admit it. And their Christmas song is no exception: A catchy tune, uplifting lyrics and charming, seductive Eastern European accents- perfection. And the video is funny and sexy as well. Santa Claus is coming!
Oh baby baby/
Underneath the mistletoe/
Oops baby baby/
Getting sexy in the snow!
Ying Yang Twins: “Deck Da Club”
This Hip-Hop version of the classic yuletide “Deck The Halls” is often ranked among the worst Christmas songs ever. Excellent, if you prefer your X-Mas merriness with some extra hollow swag added. But hell I can’t help but laugh at the ludicrousness of it.
Ho, Ho, Ho, take off your clothes/
get yourself some 20s for working the pole/
Ho, ho, ho!
ICP: “Santa’s is a Fat B*tch”
ICP (Insane Clown Posse) stand for juvenile, often cringe-worthy white trash Hip-Hop that tries too hard to provoke. They are solely responsible for the whole “Juggalo”- movement, an odd relic from the 90s. Sometimes though, the juvenile humour can have its charms, like this catchy declaration of war against the rotund man in Red and White.
suck my balls/
Drunk as hell/
ringin’ bells at the malls/
Fall on Your Sword feat. Dick Valentine: “Last Christmas”
How many times have you already heard the song that is also known as “George Michael’s retirement fund” this season? It’s almost inescapable, isn’t it and its inescapability has become a cliche in itself, that’s how inescapable it is. I’d still recommend you to listen to this Gaga-version sung in the idiosyncratic, simultaneously melodious and unmelodious voice of Dick Valentine, front man of Electric Six. And the video, editing the original clip and excerpts from James Bond- The Man with the Golden Gun into a story of forbidden longing between George Michael and Christopher Lee, is marvellous as well.
Lou Monte: “Dominick the Donkey”
Without a doubt, this novelty song from 1960 has the potential to drive you mad. I don’t care! As you maybe noticed, I prefer the cheerful and silly X-Mas songs over the serious and introspective ones by a mile and the adventures of Dominick still make me sing along. This is the kind of music you put on after consuming 10 eggnogs and to get pesky relatives out of the house.
When Santa visits his paisans/
With Dominick he’ll be/
Because the reindeer cannot/
Climb the hills of Italy.
Showaddywaddy: “Hey, Mr. Christmas”
Could actually count as a legitimately good song, if a very cheesy one. Some of the people who prefer their Christmas songs drab, depressing and boring, might disagree, but who cares.
Forget your troubles and worries/
And kick them out the door/
Don’t look back, come on in, we’ll just play some more, more, more, more/
John Denver: “Please Daddy, don’t get drunk this Christmas”
…but if the Christmas depression is elevated into an art with such a rich imagery in the lyrics and a wonderfully wailing Country voice and instruments, then I am willing to make an exception. Another song that is a solid choice for a booze fuelled sing-along and a great mood-killer for trolling Christmas party guests.
Just last year when I was only seven, now I’m almost eight as you can see/
You came home a quarter past eleven, fell down underneath our Christmas tree/
A German song for a change. SIDO was a horrible Hip-Hop project from Berlin, a bunch of posers that tried hard to sell us the notion that there is something resembling a hard-knock ghetto life in the capital of Germany. Nonetheless, I gotta give in to the mind-numbing groove of their imbecilic riff on “Jingle Bells”.
Peter bekommt neue Treter/
Frank kriegt sein’ Job bei der Bank/
Der dicke Hagen kriegt ‘n verkleinerten Magen/
Und Erika bekommt ein Kind wie jedes Jahr.
Peter gets new stompers/
Frank gets his job at the bank/
The fat Hagen gets a sleeve gastrectomy/
And Erika gets pregnant, like a every year
Günther: “Christmas Song”
Günther, the mustachioed, mullet- and sunglasses- sporting Eurotrash Adonis, is a semi- parodistic act by Swedish musician and model Mats Söderlund, who peruses his Alter Ego to indulge in 90s Eurodance sounds accompanied by lyrics that are as sleazy as they are silly. The music videos in all their soft-focus, glossy Euro-porn glory seal the deal.
This song is a Christmas version of his breakthrough hit “Ding Dong Song” that boldly claimed that “you touch my tralala”. The lyrics of the holiday variation are far less suggestive, but Günther still sells his lines like the announcer in a TV ad for a phone sex hotline. Stick around till the 2:36 mark in the video for the best Christmas party you’ll probably never have.
Santa I’ve been so totally kind
I’ve never had a dirty thing on my mind
Santa darlin’ oh you’re so fine/
I wish that you were only mine/
ding dong, it’s a Christmas song
That’s my list. What are your guilty pleasures among the Christmas songs?