Tetris: The Movie – What the f*ck?!? Tetris: The Movie – What the f*ck?!?
IAB trying to make the pieces fit together in his head. Tetris: The Movie – What the f*ck?!?

(IAB here. I’m taking a break from the regular review/comic-loop this week, and will instead address the biggest “WTF” piece of movie news this week and tackle it in a longer form, as this is something that can’t be handled in 140 characters or less)

It’s a shame that April Fools came and went over a month ago.

Because then the big news-story that broke out yesterday could at least make sense in some way, shape or form. You know the one I’m talking about; it’s the one where producer Larry Kasanoff‘s Threshold Entertainment Group joined with Chinese media entrepreneur Bruno Wu‘s company Seven Star Works announced that they are starting production on an $80 million “Tetris”-movie and they are now at Cannes, making negotiations for international sales. The project is described as an “epic science-fiction thriller” and is due to start filming in 2017 in China and other locations with Chinese actors. The joint studios describe this a historic start for making cross-cultural movies for the global market and “Tetris” as “the perfect first project for this strategy.

It all sounds good and well and all and we know that China has become one of the biggest box office-venues now, but…”Tetris“? As an epic sci-fi thriller? I did actually get a sort of a deja vu when I read that plot description.

And boy was I right – take a look:

Look familiar? This one came out around the time Universal’s “Battleship” was going to be the big summer blockbuster and there was a lot of chatter about Ridley Scott making a “Monopoly” movie. Now – I admit that “Battleship” was entertaining in it’s flat-out overboard stupidity – but Monopoly movie? If that was realistic, it would last over 20 hours(then again, I suck at Monopoly – what can I say? I lack any kind of capitalistic competitiveness).

Anyways – where was I…? Oh yes – that fake trailer. The thing is, that it’s meant as a complete parody. Did it accidentally become a success in that “don’t give them ideas!“-category?

Who knows.

The point is that is this really where the studios’ franchise-hogging has now come to? It just feels to me that some final, ultimate threshold(see what I did there?) to complete stupidity has been crossed here. You all know that I make fun of the studio heads in my comic and take a piss at certain decisions that have been made in my end-of-the-week news-columns. But it seems that the reality always beats fiction. No matter what crazy situation I try to cook up in the comic, something real will come up that will always beat it. It’s been the norm for a long time that the studios are hogging up whatever name-franchises they can get, so they have a product to sell in their release-weekend box office dick-measuring contests. And granted: “Tetris” is one of -if not the most – known titles in video game history. But does that mean it works as a movie?

Let’s look at some other video game-adaptations that are coming soon: we’ve got “Angry Birds“-movie out now(or soon, here it opened last week. Hey – it’s a Finnish product; our prerogative), a “Warcraft“-movie coming soon and “Assassin’s Creed” too. What do these have in common? They have very established universes, characters and rules. What are Tetris’ characters? Blocks. The rules? Make complete horizontal lines. How in the blue hell does that become a movie? I’m telling ‘ya, their pitch had better be something extra special to warrant an $80 million-pricetag.

You know how you could have made a “Tetris” movie? Tell the tale of how the Russian game designer Alexey Pajitnov managed to make a game in the 80’s, during the Cold War, behind the iron curtain and how it became the game that spread everywhere in the world and sold hundreds of millions of copies(not to mention the pirated ones – hell, the real numbers might be something akin to the “Angry Birds”-sales of recent years). Hell, add some authenticity and cast someone like Anton Yelchin as Pajitnov. You could even spin it into some espionage-style thriller if you wanted.

Of course, in the current political climate in the world there’s no way in hell that any studio would ever finance THAT movie. So I guess “epic scifi-thriller” it is. What the hell do I know anyway? If they want to start their “cross-cultural movies for the global market“-venture with this, then all the power to them – I just think there would be less dumb-sounding ways to do it.

Speaking of dumb: might I suggest some other titles equally well-suited for adaptation, just to give out some more ideas?(like anyone’s reading this anyway)

FROGGER

A CGI 3D animated movie about a frog who goes through therapy sessions after causing general havoc in all the freeways – and logging routes – as he is always inclined to take the straightest route to anywhere he goes. In the end, he learns to sometimes take the long route.

TAPPER

A Wild West-adventure of the Quickest Barkeep in the West who faces the ultimate challenge as he rides into a town that’s filled to the brim with the Worst Alcoholics in the West. During his ordeal, he develops an attraction to the town nurse while getting treated for a worsening Carpal Tunnel syndrome.

BOULDER DASH

An exciting adventure set deep inside the mountains, as a neurotic miner who can only dig in 90 degree angles has to deal with the aftermath of him forgetting to secure all the round rocks he comes into contact with. Starring The Rock.

 

And if anything else fails, “a man getting hit in the groin by football” should make hundreds…

man-getting-hit-by-football-o

 
That is all.

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I Am Better

Coming from the frozen wastelands of Finnish tundra. Mr. Better seeks warmth from his television & home theater and all the wonders they provide. He occasionally dabbles in the arts of drawing and photography.

  • Dee-abolik

    The real story of Pajitnov, without overdramatization, would be good enough. He never saw a dime for his game.

  • I_am_better

    Exactly – I dunno if there are any documentaries about that. Gotta check…

  • Sagamanus

    There is a way to do this. That episode of Star Trek with Masaka, where an alien mythology is taking over the Enterprise. That is the only way for those giant blocks to pass the test. That or make it a comedy about video gamers.

  • I_am_better

    Aliens build the pyramids with tetris blocks

  • Sagamanus

    That sounds possible in fact. All the stones have levitating properties. Oh god, I think you just spoiled the entire film.

  • I_am_better

    I think that’s in X-Men Apocalypse though

  • Kylo Ronin

    Lol wut, I remember playing Root Beer Tapper a lot. Don’t recall that it was Budweiser tho.

  • L.H.Puttgrass

    Ah, Boulder Dash. The hours I spent listening to Devo and playing that game.

  • CoolHandJuke

    they should do the episode of Captain N where he has to play tetris in a glass tube or something. they should just do an entire Captain N movie #megafuckthis…

  • Stalk👁

    Tetris?? Really?? Of all the Videogame IPs, those assholes wanted to make a film based on one of the most overrated games in history? This will surely flop!
    Battleshit was Gawd awful and not even Riahnna (Dumb Bitch for taking back abuser Chris Brown) could add anything to this movie as hawt as she is. Well after Battleshit, John Carter and Savages i guess that’s three strikes of Taylor Kitsch’s film career.

    Yeah and True Detective 2 didn’t help his chances of making it big on television either.

  • Bop

    Boulderdash The Movie? Take my money.

  • Bop

    They should make Bop ‘n Rumble the movie.

  • Bop

    I can imagine all the dope smoking that went on before deciding to make Tetris.

  • Bop

    Boulderdash is fucking awesome. Spent countless hours with the construction kit as well.

  • Bop

    I am not gonna watch that crap. First of all, Tetris is a fucking annoying but addictive game. Second of all, what kind of a stoner storyline would it be?
    Where is Metal Gear Solid? Where is Final Fight? Where is Super Punch Out? Where is The Combatribes? Where is Rival Turf?

  • I_am_better

    Same here

  • I_am_better

    Definitely

  • Stalk👁

    I can only pray for a Metal gear Solid game, B! Final Fight would be great so would Streets of Rage. Yanno, I got an idea…..

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    What I would’ve given for a Final Fight movie in the early nineties, starring Jesse “The Body” Ventura as Mike Haggar, Brandon Lee as Guy, and Andre the Giant as one of the big enemy characters that were based on him.

  • KilliK

    oh, how many coins I lost to that arcade..

  • KilliK

    if Warcraft is a hit, I am sure MGS will be the next game in line for an adaptation. Although, now without Kojima, I dont know if that’s a good idea..

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Tell me about it. It was one of the best arcade games of all time, IMO.

    Certainly, one of the best side-scrolling beat-em-ups. They kind of died a death in arcades after the one-on-one fighters like Streetfighter 2 came out, but I always liked the genre. Of course, there was Double Dragon, but I also enjoyed the licensed titles like TMNT, The Simpsons, Alien Vs Predator, X-Men, etc. Great days.

  • Stalk👁

    Great casting choices!!

  • Turd Has Escaped The Gravy

    Couldn’t think of anyone for Cody. I’m pretty sure that Haggar was based on Ventura’s likeness anyway, so it’s not too much of a stretch to think of a younger version of Ventura playing that role. Just think of Captain Freedom in The Running Man; even the poses are the same!

  • Stalk👁

    That Captain Freedom segment was good ol 80’s cheese.
    The Running Man was soo overrated but it worked well as both scifi and social commentary.I need to add this into the long overdue OP I have been working on.

  • Stalk👁

    Starring the one and only Bop!
    If it was based on our Fanfict, it would be some funny shit!

  • Bop

    He, he. Damn, that script needs to be finished.

  • Stalk👁

    I have a few revisions and redacts in mind. (0:<

  • You know in this era of JJ Abrams as a major force in hollywood i beliebe they would do the stupidiest ideas reality

  • CoolHandJuke

    Where’s my Dragon Warrior movie? I want two and a half hours of killing slimes in a dark and gritty universe, and it better have tits…

  • Tess

    Sounds silly as hell. I thought of angry birds too. Like how could that become a movie? and 80 million?? There better be a sequel damn it. I loved the bit about the forgger :)))