Back in 1982, a bunch of kids decided to get together and do a shot-for-shot remake of Raiders of the Lost Ark. They worked... RAIDERS! THE GREATEST RIPOFF EVER MADE!!!FACT!!!

Back in 1982, a bunch of kids decided to get together and do a shot-for-shot remake of Raiders of the Lost Ark. They worked on it for several years until puberty and a desire to fuck the opposite sex (allegedly!) got in the way as they finally went their separate ways and abandoned the project in 1989.

Flash forward to 2002 and there was a resurgence of interest in the project as it screened at a film festival while Hollywood Producer Scott Rudin even bought the rights to their story and got Daniel (author of Ghost World) Clowes to craft a screenplay back in 2004. Rudin probably thought he could take the story and do it as a fictional account of low budget “indie” filmmaking ala American Movie, itself a documentary, about a hapless idiot trying to make a Horror film, which received high praise back in 1999. Since then the Raiders project stalled and there hasn’t been much mention of it apart from a 2012 making of book and the endlessly insipid fanboy drooling from various websites run by certain bespectacled morbidly obese neckbeards with questionable hygiene which I understand is a vague description given that most of their owners fit that profile.

It really fucking bothers me whenever said websites once again start squawking about this bullshit because it just reveals their owners/writers as craven whores who only care that someone got famous for doing something unoriginal and got paid for it, which is what matters most to them. This is why a lot of these people have spent over a decade or so (instead of making short films or writing screenplays and actually, you know, DOING WORK to get a feature off the ground) sucking up to anyone they can through their websites in the hope of getting their fat foot in the Hollywood door. Forever pimping nearly 100 year old Edgar Rice Burroughs novels, because they’re in the public domain, or books about giant sharks, because that’s what Spielberg became famous for, shows just how unimaginative they are.

Even more appalling and hypocritical is the outright arrogance these people display while talking down to others from their ivory towers all the while professing their superior knowledge of cinema because of their video rental history.

But point out that this Raiders remake is no more deserving of praise than Gus Van Sant’s shot-for-shot 1998 redux of Psycho and you’ll get a tsunami of psychotic frothing from these shills who will proclaim “NO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! THESE GUYS REACHED FOR THEIR DREAMS AND ACHIEVED THEM! HAIL HYDRA!!!”. No, what I understand is that some guys got famous and made money for ripping off something and that’s what you wish you could have done which is why you secretly resent the websites that are your bread and butter and subconsciously try to sabotage them with your apathy and hatred.

In 2014 the Raiders ripoff artists decided to follow their website brethren and run a Kickstarter to raise money to shoot the airplane fight scene and managed to sucker people out of almost 60K.

I just find it funny how much semen has been skeeted in these guys direction while someone like Kevin Smith gets regularly shit on from the same website owners who praise the Raiders xerox. But then Smith, despite many ups and downs, has spent over 20 years carving out a career as a Writer/Producer/Director/Actor and has made millions while they run Kickstarter scams and try to remake old 70’s Horror films. But I’m sure they’re not bitter.

Now, fan-fiction is nothing new and if this was a story about a bunch of guys who went out and made their own Indiana Jones story, and it was good, then I wouldn’t be bashing them for the success they’ve had. But that’s not what we’re talking about and the neverending articles written about this bullshit ripoff just burns my ass as they’re always from the same self-righteous assholes who bemoan every single remake/reboot/sequel and regularly say “These people know nothing, if I ran Hollywood…..” which is why they pound their keyboards with fury while real filmmakers make movies!!!FACT!!!

Since we’re on the subject of kids making movies on video. Back in 1990 my best friend, who died in 2012, and the other kids in his neighborhood made a Sci-fi/Horror/Action movie called The Adventures of Dave’s U.I., about alien “Probes” that want to detonate the Earth’s core, which was financed with his Unemployment Insurance money. Back in 2007 I took the FIVE HOUR LONG VERSION and edited it down into a 9 minute long trailer. I hope you enjoy it…..

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Creepy Thin Man